Heeeere piggy piggy!

So, we’re hanging out at Beerbistro last weekend, this funky craft brewpub right on King St. in the heart of downtown Toronto. Now, “Free Bird” might be my favourite Lynyrd Skynyrd tune, but the Saturday Night Special at this joint totally reeks of funkaliciousness. Every weekend, starting at 5 pm, they’re serving up this 22-hour applewood smoked suckling pig that puts the “oink” in honky-tonk redoinkadoink!!!!

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OK, let’s break it down. The pig is super tender and smoky. You’ve got a nice parsnip puree, some purple cabbage and these roasted Brussels sprouts that are so outta bounds, bro! I don’t normally eat Brussels sprouts, but when I do, I slam ’em down with a pound of roast pig!!!!

Of course, one does not simply go to Beerbistro to sip spiced honey mead wine. And you KNOW we ain’t drinkin’ Bud Light tonight, neither! Say bonjour to my little ami, Unibroue’s A Tout Le Monde:

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Dude, this is definitely the best beer named after anything Dave Mustaine had a hand in creating! This fruity saison tastes like being kicked outta Metallica before they made it for drinking too much beer. And with just 4.5% alcohol, I could slam 17 of these!

But you KNOW la bière doesn’t stop there, mon frère! We went deep into the Beerbistro cellar for this one, coming straight outta Shawinigan, son!!!

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L’impératrice is probably the heartiest brew I’ve sunk my face into. This imperial stout is aged in a bourbon barrel, giving it a heavy chocolate/caramel kick. With 10% alcohol, it’s meant to be savoured like a fine wine…so I probably shouldn’t have shotgunned this whole glass. Too late now, bro!!!!

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This supersized Caesar will wake you dafuq up!

So, we’re hanging out at Kelly’s Landing, this funky Front St. joint where I once scarfed down some first-line tacos before a Leafs loss. But did you know they’re also open for brunch, bro? From 11 till 3 on weekends, they’re waking you up with bennies, French toast…and this massive monstrosity, The Landing Cure:

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Dude, this is like a traffic cone of vodka in Flavourtown! You’ve got 2 ounces of Absolut with Caesar mix, a lobster tail, a thin slice of pizza, a chunk of jalapeno Havarti cheese and a whole buncha veggies—it seems they’ve omitted the bacon though???

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Now, in case you didn’t get your lobster fix already, they’re also serving up this Bomb.ca lobster benny. You’ve got real-deal Atlantic lobster meat, poached free-range eggs and béarnaise sauce on multi-grain with a whole lotta avocado on the side. It also comes with a salad, but we don’t need to talk about that. You DON’T need a bun to bite this benny lava, bro!!!!

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Siiiign of the Schnitzel Queen – stuff your face and eeeeeat!

So, we’re hanging out at Schnitzel Queen, this funky little Bavarian joint on Queen St E. This place only does one thing, and they do it real well, serving up some massive schnitzel sammies with all kinds of funky toppings. Their signature is the Schnitzel Queen, with saukerkraut, potato salad and roasted onions inside the sandwich…but why settle for a Schnitzel Queen when you can have a Schnitzel King?

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Dude, this sammy is about the same size as a Volkswagen Beetle! You’ve got a massive piece of freshly pounded breaded pork, with some crisp lettuce, tangy house-made sauerkraut and crunchy grilled onions, along with a couple slices of processed cheese (you can get real cheese for 50 cents more). But the bacon is what makes it. I mean, this sammy was already the King of Schnitzeltown, but adding that extra porky goodness just puts it over the top. And hey, there’s no fine April Wine, but they do have Czechvar on tap and Pilsner Urquel and Zywiec in the fridge, so you can still get schnit-faced while stuffing your face with schnitzel, son!

Slammin’ some Swedish cider straight from the can!

I don’t always consume fruit, but when I do, I make sure it has alcohol. So I found these fruit-flavoured ciders at the LCBO, coming straight outta Sweden from these funky dudes at Rekorderlig. These things are like fruit punch in a can, dude!!!

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The best part!? At only 4.5% alcohol, I can slam seven of these and still see the sign! You know I’m a barbie girl, bro!

(Oh wait, they’re from Norway, aren’t they?)

I’ve got a need…a need for BEEF!

So we’re hanging out at Top Gun Steak, this funky little burger joint in Kensington Market. They may not have Tom Cruise on the wall or Kenny Loggins on the stereo, but this place is serving up a whole buncha burgers and steak sammies inspired by the biggest box office smash of 1986. We’re heading right into the danger zone with this one, Goose-bro!

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They call this beefcake Maverick, and it’s just a bitchin’ pair of shades away from flying straight down my piehole. You’ve got a double cheeseburger, topped with havarti, grilled onions, lettuce, tomato–and even a hunka grilled pineapple on top. But wait, one of these patties is lamb!!!??? Shut the back door, bro!!!

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Of course, every burger pilot needs a sidekick, and these chili cheese fries put Goose to shame! You’ve got a rich, meaty chili with big bites of kidney beans, and then a shredded blend of mozza-cheddar on top. And yes, this is real cheese–no queso, bro! Dude, this place is just a Kenny Loggins soundtrack short of sensational. I think we can fix that, though:

The devil’s in the bottles…of Green Devil IPA!

Found these on the bottom shelf at the LCBO the other day, where they were on sale–normally it’s like $7.50 a bottle, but they were selling for $4.50. I guess they wanted to make room for something else–there were only five left. And hey, while I’m not the biggest fan of IPAs, whenever I can buy a 700 ml bottle of imported British beer for less than a Canadian at a Chinese restaurant, you know I’m all over that like red on Satan!!!!

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Now, they may call it Green Devil, but this ain’t no St. Patty’s Day beer, bro! You’ve got a nice, golden colour, with a bit of a kick from the Citra hops, but it’s actually not too bitter. This beer goes down pretty smooth, although it kinda sneaks up on ya with the 6% alcoholic kick.

Anyways, I don’t know that I’d go outta my way to buy this again, but if I saw it at a bar that mostly served Molson Canadian, then yeah, I’d probably order one… Cheers, mate!

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First time ever at Shake Shack…here’s what I ordered

Now, the burger chain that’s taking America by storm does not yet have any Toronto outlets, so when I went to Baltimore, I made sure to stop by. And man, this place was pretty busy—even at 3:45!

Now, I’ve heard good things about the cheeseburger, and was curious to try the hot chicken, but if I’m losing my Shake Shack virginity, I wanted it to be special…with a culinary classic you can’t get anywhere else. Enter the Shack Stack:

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So basically, what we’ve got here is a cheeseburger with a crispy mushroom patty on top. The crispness of the mushroom meshes well with the beef, and the cheese oozes all over the place—half of it oozed off onto the paper wrapper. I gotta say, I was a bit bummed out by this wasted cheesy goodness…but that’s why God gave bacon cheese fries to you, bro!!!

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Now, these fries have been blowing up my Instagram feed since forever, so I knew it was just a matter of time before they’d be heading straight down my piehole! The crinkle cut fries are crispy, but the queso takes some of the crispness away, making it a bit difficult to use the wooden toothpicky thing they give you. Bonus points for using real bacon pieces, though, bacon bro!!!

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One nice thing about Shake Shack is that they actually serve beer, unlike most fast food joints not named Chipotle. This here’s my friend Natty Boh. It’s kinda like PBR…but it’s purple.

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Now, I would not say this was the best burger I’ve ever had, and with everything you see here setting me back 20 bucks, it ain’t no screamin’ deal, either. But 10 on 10 would eat again. Only next time, can I get it Animal Style? 😜