Seriously, McDonald’s?

Now, I dunno if you’ve heard about the new Seriously Chicken sandwich at McDonald’s. The one they say is like the Angus beef of chicken? I mean, calling chicken the Angus beef of something is like saying this is the bacon poutine of quinoa salad–that does not compute, bro! But hey, if you call something the Angus beef of anything, I’m probably still gonna end up eating it.

So, they had two options–Tomato & Mozzarella or Guacamole & Jalapeno. Since I’m Guy Fieri’s second cousin thrice removed, you know which one I went for… holy guacamole and holla-atcha-penos, bro! (Don’t mess with Tex Mex!!!!)

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Now, lemme tell ya, that’s some crispy chicken, son! In fact, it’s almost more crispy, less chicken. And the fact that they didn’t even try to melt the cheese is a little disappointing. But I’m digging the red onion and fresh lettuce, and the bun is a step up from what you normally get at McDonald’s. Thing is, the so-called guac is like a great green glob of weaksauce–it tastes like nothing. And for a sandwich with Jalapeno in the name, they sure don’t give you very many, cuz I didn’t find any hot peppers until I had eaten most of this burger already:

jalapeno_guacamole_chicken (14)Whoomp, there it is!

Now, don’t get me wrong, this burger wasn’t bad…but if I’m paying 11 bucks for a fast food chicken sandwich combo, then I think I’m gonna stick with Wendy’s Bacon Queso Chicken Burger. Pour some queso on me, bro!!!

Everything INCLUDING the kitchen sink fries, bro!!!!

So, we’re hanging out at Hogtown Smoke, this friendly neighbourhood BBQ joint in the Beaches. Now, I heard this place is serving up one of the funkiest starters in town, a redneck take on poutine that’s totally honky-tonk redonkadonk–Kitchen Sink Stacked Fries!

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OK, now let’s break it down. You’ve got some hand-cut, french-fried potaters, topped with pulled pork, cheese, coleslaw, BBQ sauce and a whole buncha root-beer baked beans. It’s like a culinary gangbang in Flavourtown, heading straight down my piehole! But wait, how did that piece of beef get in there???

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We’re talking brontosaurus bone beef rib, bro! Cuz you KNOW those fries was just a small side dish! This marvelous meat sensation tips the scales at 1 pound, 8 ounces–that’s like a culinary food baby in Flavourtown! Dude, this was so much food I almost didn’t finish it. But almost only counts in horseshoes and hand-grenades, son!!!!

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NO FRY LEFT BEHIND, BRO!!!!

My jerk chicken wrap brings the boys to the yard!

So, check it out. We’re chilling like a villain in the courtyard at Brookfield Place, where they’ve got this local, real-deal, farm-fresh summer market on Wednesdays. There’s these little stalls serving up sausage, veggies and cheese, but the one that everyone lines up for is the Jamaican stand. Not only have they got patties, but they’re funking it up with this double dose of deliciousness–the jerk chicken roti wrap:

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Dude, this is like Caribana in my mouth, bro! You’ve got a multi-layered blanket of cornmeal goodness with some thick chunks of chicken and potato on the inside. The bird is nice and tender, with a good kick, but not too spicy. Washed it down with a ginger beer, which didn’t really soothe my soul–the fizz from the bubbles only put more fire in my wire!!!

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These real-deal Colombian arepas are like narcos en mi boca!

Man, I can’t wait for Season 3 of Narcos on Netflix, bro! But the badass show won’t be back until September, and I still needed my Colombian street food fix. It turns out there’s this funky little food stand on Dundas called Cookie Martinez that’s serving up some killer arepas, empanadas, ceviche and sodas all the way from Colombia. This shit’s TheBomb.ca, bro!!!

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Now, two of these slammin’ cornbread sammies will only set ya back 10 bucks, so you don’t hafta decide between beef and chicken when you can have both! I started out with el pollo loco, which is made to order with carrots and peppers in a chewy cornbread shell that’s steamed on site. The chicken’s nice and warm, with a great texture, and a bit of pico de gallo to cool things off. Winner, winner, chicken arepa dinner!!!!

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Unfortunately, my beef sammie was a little too fall-aparty. The wax paper was sticking to the shell, and when I pulled it off, I took half the cornbread with me. But that’s not to say I didn’t shove all of this delicious mess straight down my piehole–that’s why god invented napkins, bro!!!!

Is this the best pad thai in Toronto?

So, we’re hanging out at Bua Thai, this cozy little Thai joint right at the corner of Av & Dav. This place has got all kinds of curries, satays, soups and fried rice, but for me, it’s all about the pad thai. Now, I’ve never been to Thailand, but I was rockin’ out to “One Night in Bangkok” last night, bro! Check out this funky jam:

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Now, the portions aren’t yuuuge, but this is still a real-deal, full-course meal, bro! You’ve got some steaming hot rice noodles, a couple giant shrimps, some chicken, tofu, bean sprouts, green onion, egg and peanuts–the gang’s all here! And I never eat tofu otherwise, but put it in pad thai, and it’s too legit to quit!!!

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All the flavours are here, and they’re on point. It’s like monsoon season in my mouth, bro! Probably one of the top five pad thais I’ve had–and I think I’ve had about five pad thais, so it’s definitely right up there.

Double Secret Cheeseburger, bro!

Now, what if I told you there was a hidden burger joint at the back of a sports bar next to the Hockey Hall of Fame? Dude, that’s like having your beef and eating it, too! So when I heard about Hidden Burger, nestled inside The Bottom Line on Front Street, I was all over that like cheese on two flame-grilled patties, broseph!!!

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Now, this place serves up burger combos for lunch for just 10 bucks, but for an extra five, you can make it a double. Dude, this is body by double cheeseburger, bro! You’ve got two juicy, melt-aparty patties, a nice gooey smear of cheese, some fresh crisp lettuce, and a bit of kick from the catsup. Fries are nice and crisp, with a buncha pepper on top. I actually ate most of them before taking this picture—there are quite a few to an order!

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This place even makes things more secretive by having a weekly secret burger. I dunno if they even tell you what’s in it before you order—that’s pretty outta bounds, bro! But you really don’t need any secret ingredients when you serve up a classic double cheeseburger like this one. It’s by far the best burger I’ve ever eaten out of the back of a sports bar—and you don’t even hafta be put on double secret probation to get it!

More frickin’ chicken than you can shake a stick at!

So, Toronto Life just did its Top 100 list of the best cheap eats in Toronto–and I KNOW some of these places are pretty legit, like PG Clucks, Flock, Wvrst and Adamson Barbecue. They also include a whole buncha food court places up in Markham and stuff, all serving up meals for less than 10 bucks. While I’m all for eating good in the neighbourhood, I usually spend more money than that at Adamson’s, son!

And hey, it turns out they left one of my go-to, real-deal, dirty-deeds-done-dirt-cheap joints off their list. What if I told you that you could get enough General Tao Chicken for a family of four (people with small stomachs) for just $5.99, bro????

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Fusia Asian Kitchen is in a food court in the basement of the Atrium on Bay, just across the PATH from the Greyhound bus station and that Japanese cheesecake creep. They do a few different chicken dishes, which they toss in the wok as soon as you order, but me, I always go straight to the heatlamp, dudeson!

Now, the texture can be a little off sometimes, kinda overly crunchy, and the breading’s falling all over the place. Plus, there isn’t really any sauce here–there’s a reason they don’t call it General Tso, bro. But man, when you’re girl drink drunk at 7:30 on a Tuesday, there’s nothing better than stuffing your face with enough Chinese chicken to choke a chihuahua*!

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(*Or at least some guy on TV told me that once.)