(Originally written September 4, 2013)
I had been waiting for this moment to arrive for eons, if not millennia. Every time I’d see an ad for Doritos Locos Tacos within a commercial break during a football game, or another entertaining episode of Duck Dynasty, I’d immediately drop everything and run down to my nearest Taco Bell (which, incidentally, is three long blocks away). But even if they weren’t closed at the time, they did not have any Doritos Locos Tacos; twas but an American-only offer… until now. When I first heard the news that they were finally coming to Canada, I did not jump off the couch, because it was pretty late, and I am well aware of their hours of operation. That said, I made sure to make my way down there this evening for a most delectable, gut-busting feast.
As you can see, the 10 tacos only came to $15.90 plus tax, which is less than you’d pay for a martini at Suits Lobby Lounge. They did try to upsell me to “Doritos Locos Tacos Supremos,” but it really wasn’t worth paying extra for a little salsa and sour cream, not when I’ve invited my friends Tabasco and Salsa Con Queso to the the party:
What doesn’t taste better with processed cheese sauce? I’d put that stuff on a flip-flop!
Man, this taco was like a one-way ticket to Flavourtown. Make that 10 one-way tickets. The shell was hard and crunchy up top, but soft and mushy on the bottom, which is less unappetizing than it sounds. The beef was lightly seasoned, with the crispness of the lettuce, a little kick from the hot sauce… But what makes this dish is the salsa con queso. You’ve got the creaminess of the cheese sauce, some heat from the peppers–I put that shit on everything (or at least on macaroni).
Of course, 10 tacos in one sitting is not for the weak of cholesterol. By the fifth one, I was already counting how many I had left; by the seventh, I could start to feel it in my chest. When I bit into the ninth, the aftertaste kicked in, and I broke into a violent coughing fit about halfway through. But nobody wants to be the guy who buys 10 Doritos Locos Tacos and only eats nine of them, so I soldiered on, leaving a whole mess of wrappers–and some orange Dorito fingers–in my wake:
(See those pill bottles on the left? I’m gonna be needing some of all of them in a bit…)