Who needs a gastric bypass when you can have a Coke?

(Originally written January 8, 2013)

A new study shows that drinking Coca-Cola can virtually, if not entirely, eliminate stomach blockages with a success rate higher than invasive surgery.  As The Telegraph reports, “the fizzy favourite has chemical ingredients that do a similar job to gastric acid while the bubbles help speed up the process,” according to researchers at Athens University.

And if you’re on a diet, you can still keep your gastric acid flowing freely, as even Coke Zero contains the same stomach-unblocking ingredients.  On the other hand, you may want to avoid snacking on pumpkin-shaped berries; according to The Telegraph, it’s undigested fruits like persimmons that cause these problems in the first place.

Alas, while Coke was found to successfully dissolve gastric phytobezoar in over 91 per cent of patients, there have been no confirmed reports that Pepsi, Jolt or RC Cola produce the same effect—which I’m sure will be fodder for a future Coca-Cola marketing campaign.  “Have a Coke, Have a Shit” sure has a nice ring to it, dontchathink?

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