When I heard about the shooting at the Anchor Bar yesterday, I was outraged beyond belief. What kinda dipshit walks into the Chicken Wing Palace and shoots two people in the kitchen, where all the magic happens!? They even had to close the Wing Temple on the May Long Weekend, which is really bad for business. Man, if I ever meet the guy who did this, I’d love to spit some beechnut in that dude’s eyes and shoot him with my old 45! (Cuz a country boy can survive, son!)
But let’s face it, that’s probably not gonna happen; I don’t think they’d let me take my old 45 across the border on a Greyhound bus, no matter how lonesome, on’ry and mean I may be. So I wanted to pay tribute to the victims of the Anchor Bar Massacre in the best way I know how: by stuffing my face with Buffalo wings. And it just so happened that St. Louis is serving up all you can eat wings for $19.99. This one’s for Buffalo, bro!
So, here’s the deal. They start you off with a pound and a half of wings, along with fries and dill dipping sauce. And then from there, they give you a pound at a time, so you can pace yourself. Now, I used to pound two pounds of wings every week on 2-for-1 night at The Puck in The Annex, so I felt that I could get through the first couple rounds, but I also knew I had to do better this time for the city of Buffalo.
Pound #2.5 came out of the fryer fast and furious, and I chowed down on these when they were still screaming hot. Temperature hot, that is. St. Louis’ Buffalo wings really aren’t that spicy; I think they just throw some Frank’s Red Hot Sauce on ‘em or something.
By the time the third batch hit the table, I wasn’t really hungry, but I still wasn’t full, so I made pretty quick work of these ones, too. After three and a half pounds of wings, I was wondering if I could eat more meat than that time I tried to tackle a 67 oz steak…and in the end, I came pretty close.
Now, if my eyes were smaller than my stomach, I might’ve only asked for a half-pound for my fourth go-round. I made it through the first four no problem, but then my stomach started to hurt, and I wasn’t sure if I could get through the last half-pound. But that’s when I dug down deep and called on all the strength and resilience of the people of Buffalo in this trying time. I knew that justice would not be done unless I finished these wings …so I did. And now I need to lie down for a couple days. But at least I can rest knowing that Buffalo’s been saved, cuz I’ve done my part by eating 36 chicken wings.