Monthly Archives: October 2016

How many sushis can you eat? All of them…

So, we’re hanging out at Yonge Sushi, this cozy neighbourhood joint a few blocks north of Lawrence. This place might not be very big, but they’re packing ’em in there for all the sushi you can eat for just 25 bucks, bro! Now, I don’t always eat sushi, but when I do, I make sure to get my money’s worth…so you know this joint is right up my alley!

We kicked things off with some hand-rolled sushi cones. You’ve got crab, spicy salmon, and a BBQ eel/avocado combo that’s totally outta bounds, bro!

Not sure that Bubba Gump ever served up shrimp like this, super fresh and tasty on a bed of rice!

Beef short ribs for the win, bro! I loves me some chewy, tender beef you can eat right off the bone!

Now here’s something you probably haven’t seen before. They call it an onion beef roll, and it’s pretty much what it sounds like–green onions wrapped in teriyaki beef. I could slam seven of these, son!

Now, it’s time for the main event. You’ve got some spicy salmon rolls, black dragon rolls and green dragon rolls. It’s like Dragonball Z in my mouth, bro! The spicy salmon had some crispy tempura bits for that extra crunch, while the green dragon combined shrimp tempura, avocado, cucumber and green onions, and chucked some more avocado on top. The black dragon was sorta the same thing, but substituting avocado for eel. It was eely, eely good! Let’s zoom in for a close up:

Now, let’s set the dial to funkalicious with some fried chicken cutlet soup!

This dish was super funkalish. You’ve got fried chicken, some ultra-thick noodles, greens, carrots and sprouts in a warm and savoury broth. It’s like chicken noodle soup gone gangsta, son!

What Japanese joint could be complete without some crispy tempura squid? These deep-fried calamari were Captain Cruncherrific! Theyyyyyy’re great!

Sometimes, when you’ve got super-delish fish, you don’t even need rice, bro. Such is the case with this sashimi–a tasty trio of tuna, salmon and clam!

But the sashimi doesn’t stop there, son–we’ve got a whole plateful of white tuna and mackerel heading straight down my piehole!!!

But we’re saving the funkiest for last, friends. Say hello to my little friend, BBQ eel pizza! You’ve got a nice chew from the chicken of the sea-cave, a nice spicy mayo and a super-crispy, deep-fried rice crust. This only comes in one size, which kinda sucks, cuz I could probably polish off an extra-large…

Now, when I heard they had a Philadelphia roll, I was hoping for some Philly cheesesteak, served up sushi-style…but that’s not what this is. Instead, you’ve got salmon, avocado and Philadelphia cream cheese. Just call me angel of the morning, cuz you can really taste the Philly!

Now, you know I still had room for dessert, and since it’s all you can eat, I asked for every kind of ice cream that they had to offer. They were all outta ginger, but still served up some tasty scoops of vanilla, green tea, mango and red bean. I was kinda hoping for some chocolate sauce, or maybe a bit of butterscotch on top, but I guess that wouldn’t be authentic, eh?

Wendy’s is selling its classic burgers for 3 bucks…so I bought 3 of em.

Now, you know me, I’m all about the Triple B–Burgers, Bacon & Beer. I’m also all about value, so when I saw Wendy’s was selling its classic single hamburger for just three bucks till the end of the month, I was like “Dude, three burgers for the price of one, bro!” Check out this tasty trio:

Of course, I know what you’re asking, could he really scarf down three Wendy’s hamburgers…and still have room for bacon poutine? You bet yer ass, buddy!

Now, it’s been a long time since I had poutine at Wendy’s–the last time I did, I think they put pulled pork and freakin’ onions on top. That was a total disasterpiece, dude! But I gotta say, this bacon poutine is pretty legit. You’ve got real-deal cheese curds, the sauce is on point, and I love that there’s some nice, big pieces of bacon on top, not just shitty bacon bits. This poutine might not be Hall of Fame-worthy, but it definitely gets my seal of approval. Now, let’s get back to the burgers…

Man, there is nothing wrong with this at all. You’ve got a nice, fresh beef patty, two slices of cheese, some lettuce, tomato and onion and just a little messiness from the ketchup and mayo. Sure, I normally eat my burgers between two bacon grilled cheese sandwiches, but for three pops a pop, I certainly ain’t complainin’, compadre!

Remind me not to go to a hockey game in Halifax, bro!

Now, everybody knows you can’t have nachos without that ooey, gooey, disgustingly delicious cheese sauce, right? That’s a major nacho no-no, bro! But in Halifax, some Doofus McDorkstick decided to boost arena profits by only serving chips and salsa…and people are pretty cheesed off about it.

As Halifax Mooseheads season ticket holder Joey Maxwell told the CBC, “I thought it was B.S. that they didn’t offer the cheese anymore. I don’t understand the need to subtract something that makes something more edible.” You and me both, broseph! I could eat that cheese off a flip-flop, and it would still taste good!

The GM of Halifax’s Scotiabank Centre, where the Mooseheads play, said they switched to a new concession-stand company last season. He pretends this is no big deal. “We go through the menus on an annual basis,” he told CBC Mainstreet. “This year we just happened to run with chips and salsa.” Suuuure. That’s like Guy Fieri saying “This year, I just happened to go on a roadtrip.” No way Jose!

Not only that, but they replaced the cheese with mild salsa. My main main Joey Maxwell ain’t havin’ none of it, either. “It’s just mild. There’s not really any spice. The cheese kind of gave it the spice and now you’re getting rid of it and it’s perplexing to me,” he said. He says he’s boycotting the concession stand, and he’s even started sneaking his own Tex Mex cheese blend into the games:

Dude, this guy is like the Commissioner of Snackfood in Flavourtown! But I’m going to take his boycott even further. Now, you know I’m rolling out all over this country, looking for the greatest burgers, bacon and beer…but I won’t be setting foot in Halifax until cheese justice is restored. I don’t care if The Tragically Hip is jamming with Kid Rock at the grand opening of Guy Fieri’s Halifax Seafood Shack—I will not show up unless I can put some freakin’ cheese on my freakin’ chips, son!!!!!

Under the sea, there’s all you can eat…

So we’re chillaxing to the maxing at Copa by Sea, this funky fresh seafood joint beneath the Copacabana on Adelaide. Now this place has everything, and I mean everything…and it’s all yours for 50 bucks, bro!

This funky local joint takes the Brazilian steakhouse business model of all the meat you can eat and applies it to seafood. You’ve got your shrimp, you’ve got your sushi, you’ve got scallops, sea bass, lobster/shrimp mac & cheese…oh, and they even have steak, too! I could pretty much just park the Camaro outside and eat here every day–if I didn’t hafta pay for parking, dude!

Now, I’m not a major-league oyster eater, but if you put this many in front of my face, I’m gonna have a couple. This suckers slurped down easy with a splash of chili vinaigrette–but I could probably have gone for some hot sriracha, or some tzatziki sauce, or something…

Now, I’ve had some mac-daddy mac ‘n cheese, but this lobster & shrimp mac was legit. You’ve got huge chunks of seafood, bigger than Donald Trump’s ego, in with the creamy mac attack that couldn’t stop me from going back for seconds, son!

Because oysters, mac ‘n cheese and soba-noodle salad go together like peanut butter, ice cream and pulled pork, bro!

On this plate, you’ll find fish two ways. You’ve got The Raw and the Cooked, which just so happens to be my favourite Fine Young Cannibals record!

This was probably the most delicious dish of the night, dude. We’re talking gochujang tuna, a nice, spicy piece of fish that drives me crazy like no one else! (Yeah, I’m still rockin’ out to FYC, son!!!)

This is the famous blackened cod, a dish so decadent you’re only allowed to have four pieces a person. I may or may not have shoved all of these down my piehole… #DrunkOnFish

Of course, when I go out to a restaurant, I’m contractually obligated to eat at least one piece of steak. This parmesan-infused, medium-rare cut was so tasty I didn’t even notice the salad beside it…

But hey, for me, steak is like Lay’s–I can’t eat just one (unless it’s 67 ounces, son)! Speaking of which, Lay’s steak-flavoured chips should totally be a thing. I’d slam down 27 of those, bro!

OHMYGOD, IT’S BACON-WRAPPED COD!!!!

Still have room for scallops, though… I always have room for scallops, son!

Oh, did I mention there were sweet-potato fries?

Don’t get me wrong, all the fish was delish, but the steak was probably the best part. I almost cried when they didn’t give me a second piece…

And you know I still had room for dessert, bro. The grilled pineapples were a super taste sensation, but the chocolate ‘n caramel-covered bananas were what makes it. I think I ate at least three of these. Dessert was definitely bananas…and bananas are good!

HELLO CLEVELAND: Bacon + falafel = peace in the Middle East

So we’re hanging out at Tommy’s Restaurant, this legendary family joint in Coventry Village. This place has one of the biggest menus you’ll find anywhere, serving up sammies, burgers and savoury pies with a side of award-winning fries.

Now, it’s kinda hard to make a decision when the menu is the size of a newspaper, but I had to go with something so funky you won’t find it anywhere else. They call this sandwich Colleen–and she can call me anytime!

OK, let’s break it down. You’ve got falafel, bacon, cheese, onions, sprouts, tomatoes and green peppers stuffed inside a grilled pita. Now, I’ve had a few falafels in my day, but never before with bacon, bro! This dish is Captain Crunchalicious, and it actually feels like I’m eating healthy, too…

And then you’ve got the prize-winning fries, named the best spuds in Northeast Ohio, son! The trick here is that they don’t season ’em at all, so they come out chip-shop crispy with all kinds of potatoey goodness. And yes, that full plate is all in one order! I could probably only eat 2 or 3 orders of these…

HELLO CLEVELAND: Little Italy’s Greatest Eats

Happy Hour in Cleveland is very much a thing, and in Little Italy it means they’re dishing out deep discounts on pizza pies and Peroni beers at Maxi’s Ristorante. You could get the same deal on Bud or Miller Lights, but as they say, when in Rome…pound some Peronis, bro!

It’s hard to pick a pizza when they’re all just 10 bucks, but I went with the meatball pie. You’ve got some beef & pork balls thinly sliced on a nice, crisp crust and two kinds of cheese: mozzarella and provolone. Dude, this pizza is 80’s hair-band cheesy, bro! I could hear the Poison power ballads playing in my head while I scarfed it down.

And while you could probably feed 2-3 people with a pie this size, you know I slammed it all down, son! What can I say–this is body by pizza, bro!

Speaking of pizza, one night after an Indians game, I headed down the cobblestone streets of Murray Hill to La Pizzeria, this home style neighbourhood joint that does it up right. Only I wasn’t here for pizza, but for one of their real-deal, Italian-style sub sandwiches.

Now dude, you can’t really get a really good Italian sub in Toronto. There might be some little place tucked in off St. Clair that I’m not aware of, but you can bet your Bautista bobblehead that Pizza Pizza doesn’t do it up like this! What you’ve got is a garlic bread baguette heated in the pizza oven with melted cheese, sliced roast beef, giant mushrooms, onions and peppers. It may not be big Philly style…but last time I checked, the Phillies were watching the playoffs at home, bro!

When it comes to Italian breakfast, the place to be in Cleveland is Presti’s Bakery. This place has been serving up fresh-baked goodies ahead of a century, and they’ve been overheard on Mayfield since 1943. Man, this place has everything–brownies, gelato, fresh-baked bread… They even make their own pizza and deli sandwiches, so you could probably eat all three meals there. But for breakfast they’re serving up all sorts of egg and cheese croissant sandwiches that take a huge dump all over Dunkin Donuts, dude!

Of course, I got mine with bacon, because bacon makes the world go round. I washed it down with an iced coffee, cuz hey, I hear it’s hot in Cleveland or something…

HELLO CLEVELAND: Who knew that lambs had ribs?

So, we’re hanging out at Mabel’s BBQ, this funky local joint just a LeBron James buzzer beater away from the home of the Cavs. This place is run by my bro from another mo Michael Symon, and while they ain’t got any burgers, they’re certainly slinging the brews and que. (But let’s face it, that show was a total Triple D ripoff, dude!)

Now we’ve had all kinds of BBQ from all sorts of funky joints all over Toronto, but never before have I seen what I’m about to show you. Now, you know I love lamb, especially when it’s done up Greek style and falls off the bone…but I don’t think I’ve ever seen any place serve up lamb ribs before. I mean, Lamb Chops must not be anorexic, cuz you never see her ribs, bro!

And these ones were definitely a bit different. They had a nice, lemon peppery dry rub and came served with tangy pickles, spicy sauerkraut, and one single slice of plain white bread, in case your Blues Brother wants to order 4 fried chickens and a coke. This makes for a full meal even without a side of cucumber salad, son!

Now, I don’t know which one of the 16 beers on tap Symon was drinking when he designed this side dish, but I gotta say, it’s pretty funkalicious. You’ve got cukes and onions smothered in enough tangy dill sauce to tzchoke a tzatziki…and more than enough for an order of lamb ribs. Cuz if there’s one thing that’s a bit of a bummer, there just isn’t very much meat on these bones, bro…

HELLO CLEVELAND: This shark sandwich review is more than two words!

So we’re hanging out at ABC the Tavern Uptown, this funky college dive bar that would be just an (insert sports term) away from Case Western University…cept I don’t think they actually play sports at Case. But man, this place has everything: lamb quesadillas, pork belly BLTs, jerk chicken nachos–and all for less than 10 bucks! What’s more, it’s Happy Hour every day from noon till nine, which means we’re pounding two-fiddy bottles of Labatt Blue like it’s nobody’s business, bro…

Now, if they had this kinda funky joint back when I was in college, I’d be there every day till they kicked me out. But today, I’m here for that magical, mystical creature of the deep–the legendary shark sandwich:

Now, as any longtime Spinal Tap fan will tell ya, it was no Smell the Glove, but I think the critics mighta been a little too harsh on that one. ABC is serving it up blackened swordfish style on a bun with lettuce, tomato and a pineapple salsa on the side. The texture is more like chicken, but the Cajun spices add a nice kick. It might not be one of my top seafood sammies, but this ain’t no shit sandwich by any stretch!

Real-deal three-course meal @ Barque Smokehouse

So, we’re hanging out at Barque Smokehouse, this cozy neighbourhood joint on Roncesvalles in the west end. Now, I’ve had a whole buncha funkalicious, bananas, shut-the-back-door BBQ in this city, but they say Barque is too legit to quit, so I had to hammerdance on over to check it out.

I gotta say bro, they had me at “Nice throat.” Belle Gueule is one of my favourite Quebec beers, but you never ever see it over here. Not only did Barque have it on tap, it even came in its own glass! They hit that one so far outta bounds it took out a popcorn vendor, dude!

Now, it’s hard to pick a favourite among so many great meats, but if you get the Smoker’s Choice platter, they’ll give you some of everything: pulled pork, beef brisket, baby back ribs—all that and a chicken thigh, son! But that’s not all; it even comes with appetizers, side dishes and desserts. Now, I had something similar at Carbon Bar a little while back, and there was nothing going on but the meat. But while you end up paying nine dollars more, Barque gives you enough food for a family of four…as long as one of them has a small appetite and lets me eat the rest. (I ate about six ribs alone, son!)

But we ain’t even close to the main course yet, homeslice! We’re kicking things off with this crunchalicious salad. Man, this salad has got everything: napa cabbage, red peppers, carrots, cucumbers and crushed cashews—crikey! As far as salads go, this is pretty legit. All that’s missing is some bacon, or some tater tots or something…

Ain’t no thang but a chicken wing, mang! These smoked wings are super-legit. They’ve got a really great five-spice dry rub and come with a creamy curry dip that’s money like Steph Curry at the three-point line. Whoever came up with that one is like my saucy saviour, son!

Here comes the meat, all dressed in heat…

So not only do we get some superhero, rockstar smoked meat, but you know every superhero needs a sidekick, and this one comes with two of them. Say hello to my little friend Barque Fries Deluxe:

Dude, this is like Taco Bell’s Fries Supreme, except you don’t hafta yell “Fire in the hole!” before eating. You’ve got nacho cheese, sour cream, tomatoes and green onions. Now what would really take this dish to the next level is if they put some beef brisket on top—I would eat that off a flip-flop, hombre!

The second sidekick is a shady character by the name of crispy cauliflower. Now, I guess that cauliflower doesn’t cost, like, 200 bucks a head anymore, cuz it feels like I’ve eaten a fuckton of funky cauli lately. But unlike some of its cauliflower cousins, this dish wasn’t deep-fried, but it came with a nice combination of cashews, chilies and cilantro for that extra crunch.

Put it all together, and that’s quite a bit of food. Of course, I still went back for seconds, and even thirds. And you don’t even hafta ask if there’s still room for dessert…because dessert is actually included!!!!

Dude, this is one of the best food deals I’ve had in this city since that time I ate at Trump Restaurant for Winterlicious. They don’t make ‘em much greater than this, bro!!!!!!!!11111

This place used to be a laundromat…but now it’s a funky craft beer joint!

So, I was cruising the streets of Moncton in the Camaro, looking for a place that could get gravy stains out of a tie-dye t-shirt, when I came across this laundromat on St. George Street. I figured it was my lucky day, but then I walked inside to find that there aren’t any washing machines here, just a buncha ice cold beer. This is the Laundromat Espresso Bar, bro!

This cozy neighbourhood joint kept some of the original signage, but they also added artwork of their own, along with a bar counter, an espresso machine, a couple tables and a beer fridge. And because I didn’t eat enough cheese already, I went ahead and grabbed some salty cheese curds, along with my new favourite pirate brew:

This was kinda like eating Cheesestrings back in the day, cept they’re a bit more bitter and you can’t really pull ‘em apart. Also, my mom never backed Pilsner in my lunchbox; I used to chug it with Terry and Deaner while rockin’ out to Dio behind the Moontower at recess. Good times!

Now, you probably can’t get Old Style Pilsner in Moncton, but on the other hand, they did have about 99 bottles of Unibroue beers in the fridge:

Blanche de Chambly dans la maison, son!

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