You know me, this is body by tacos, bro! I’m pretty sure you could make a taco out of a flip-flop, and I’d still eat it. So when I heard there’s this funky neighbourhood joint serving up seven funky-fresh flavours, you know I had to try at least four of them. This is the Barrio on Queen Dream Team, dude!
Up first, we’ve got the pollo adobado, which is like a pollo loco, but with a better lawyer. Here’s some marinated grilled chicken, pickled red onions and cilantro heading straight down my piehole, bro!!!
Take it from me, carnitas is my Taco Tuesday go-to, bro! And this place is 2 legit 2 quit, with salsa borracha, pico de gallo and cilantro rounding out the taco!
You ever get double the meat at Subway and go, “Man, I wish they did that with a taco?” Well, your prayers have been answered–say hello to mi amigo campechano! This super-delish dish combines steak and chorizo for a double down in Flavourtown!!!!
And finally, we’ve got el pescado–the dopest fish in the sea. This one comes battered and fried with chipotle mayo and Mexican coleslaw–I don’t know what that is, but I’d still put it on a flip-flop!!!!
So, we’re hanging out at Royal Meats, just a Darwin Barney grounder away from Rogers Centre on Fort York Blvd. Now, today is officially Hamburger Day, so you know I gotta get something between two buns, son! But I can’t just have any regular old burger–I gotta go with something so outta bounds, it bounces off the foul pole…this is the Royal Deluxe with Cheese:
OK, so here’s the deal. They take two burger patties, which are made from a mixture of ground pork and veal, put some ham and goat cheese in between, and roll it all up like a Juicy Lucy doobie doobie doo! Only I ain’t gonna smoke this shit–I’m gonna shove it straight down my piehole! The cheese is warm and creamy, you’ve got a nice crust on the meat, and then lettuce, tomatoes and pickles to cool it down. This was definitely the messiest burger I’ve had in a while–I even got some hot cheese on my arm–but man, did it ever hit the spot! Happy Burger Day, brosephs and bro-settes!!!
So, last week we’re chillin’ like a villain with some super-sweet eats, son! Cuz when it’s 275 degrees in Toronto, you know we needs some ice-cold refreshment. And no, I ain’t talkin’ no ice cream man, bro! I want an orgasmo italiano in my mouth-o! So we’ve found two of the funkiest gelato joints in the city, and it’s all a question of art or sweetness. Let’s break it down:
Arte Gelato (946 Bloor St W)
This cozy corner cafe sits halfway between Ossington and and Dufferin, but they get their ingredients from halfway around the world. Right here we’ve got hazelnut topped with a sweet dulce de leche flavour that’s got some real raspberries thrown right in. It’s like two scoops of funky in Flavourtown!
Dolce Gelato (414 Danforth Ave)
Now, at Dolce on the Danforth, they’ve got more flavours than Flava Flav’s Flavor of Love! There was so many different kinds of chocolate I didn’t know which one to choose from. But I ended up with the cherry chocolate, and then the marshmallow, with some graham crackers on top!? That’s like S’mores Gone Wild, son!
While I could eat both of these gelatos all day, and all of the night, I gotta give the edge to Dolce. Man, you could put graham crackers on a flip-flop, and it would still taste good!!!!
Do you even know lomo saltado, bro? This Peruvian-style steak frites is poppin’ to the max, and they’ve serving up a righteously funkalicious version at Baro, this hip new Latin joint on King Street West. Now, sometimes lomo can be pretty básico, but the way they do it here is totally outta bounds, bro!
OK, now let’s break it down. You’ve got rich, meaty chunks of beef tenderloin, cooked medium rare, and some crispy chunks of potato, but it doesn’t stop there! This dish is more crunchalicious than Cap’n Crunch scarfing a Crunchie at Crunch Fitness, son! You’ve got asparagus, you’ve got wild leaks, some funky little crones (which is actually a root vegetable, bro!) …but what makes it are the fiddleheads.
These curly greens are coming straight outta Campbellton! New Brunswick’s national dish is still tasty in both official languages…and, as it turns out, en español también. ¡¡¡¡¡Cabezas de violín en la casa, hermanito!!!!!
So, we’re hanging out at Yueh Tung Restaurant, this classy Chinese cuisine cookout just offa Dundas St in downtown Toronto. This place is known for its hot and spicy Hakka dishes, but whenever I see BBQ on a menu, I am contractually obligated to eat it–even if I did just stuff my face full of beef ribs the day before. Luckily, they don’t do BBQ beef here, but they do have chicken, and pork, and duck…oh my!!!
Unfortunately, they were all out of duck, I’m so lost without you–but I’m about to dive head-first into a pile of char siu. This might not have been the best Chinese BBQ pork I’ve ever had; it was a little on the fatty side, but dude, Fatty Char Siu was my nickname in Mandarin school!!!!
On the other hand, this sweet soy chicken was so far outta bounds, it’s taking my tastebuds down to Chinatown (which is only, like, a couple blocks away)! The chicken is cooked perfectly, nice and tender, and just melts in your mouth. And then you’ve got a little bit of that sweet soy sauce over top. Man, I could eat this off a tennis shoe! But you’re gonna wanna eat that chicken slow, baby, cuz like my homeslice Gord Downie once told me, it’s full of all them little bones!!!!
Man, I love the smell of grilled meat in the morning! And this weekend, at Yonge-Dundas Square, they’re all fired up like Pat Benatar from 11 am until 11 pm for the Northern Heat Series Yonge Dundas Square Ribfest. At this place, they grill ’em all–chicken, ribs, pulled pork, and this tender nugget of beef-love in Flavourtown, served up in a slab for 23 bucks and change, son!
Now, we got our ribs from Oak & Barrel straight outta Chilliwack, and lemme tell ya, they weren’t gone gone gone too long straight down my piehole, bro! They’ve got this wicked-awesome whiskey-soaked BBQ sauce that takes this dish straight down to Downtown Flavourtown. We scarfed down so many of these suckers that my body is at least 5% beef rib right now. Good thing I don’t hafta take a Beefalyzer before getting behind the wheel of the Camaro!!!!
Now, I’ve scarfed down lobster nachos, a lobster burger and even some surf, turf ‘n earth pierogis all over this city, but I’ve yet to find me a real-deal, full-course-meal lobster roll in Toronto…until now. So we’re hanging out at Smoked & Cracked, this funky, smoky seafood joint in Mount Pleasant Village, and lemme tell ya, this place is all it’s cracked up to be, and then some, son! We’re talkin’ bout the Big Crack, a roll so rolltatious that they put an entire 1.5-pound lobster inside! It’s like a seafaring submarine sandwich in Flavourtown!!!!
Now, this has gotta be the freshest, tastiest lobster roll I’ve ever eaten. The bun was buttery and delicious, the huge chunks of lobster just melt in your mouth, and the potato salad was super-legit. When you’ve got lobster this good, you almost don’t wanna use the tartar sauce and lemon on the side, cuz it only detracts from the deliciousness. The coleslaw was freshly made too, although it had maybe a couple too many veggies for my meatarian tastes. But you know I still ate it all bro, cuz I wanted to get my money’s worth…65 bucks plus tax and tip!!!!