Monthly Archives: July 2017

Eat or get off the hot pot, bro!!!!

Now, when it comes to all you can eat, I’m all over it, dude! Man, I’ve crushed some all you can eat wings, all you can eat tacos, all you can eat sushi and even all you can eat Brazilian seafood (although that place has since shut down). But this place–this whole concept, really–was totally new to me. All you can eat hot what???

So, we’re hanging out at Chine Legendary Hot Pot & Noodles, right in the heart of downtown Chinatown, just a couple blocks from Dundas and Spadina. Like an AYCE sushi joint, they give you a menu card to fill out with all sorts of meat ‘n veggies–and then you pick your own broth, which comes in a pot, which they put on top of a burner in front of you, like so:

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So, the boiling water cooks all the meat, fish ‘n veggies in a matter of minutes, then you just hafta scoop it out and shovel it straight down your piehole, bro!

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It’s like steak ‘n mushrooms gone wild in Flavourtown, son!!!

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I never knew that lobsters had balls…but these lobster balls are outta bounds, bro!!!

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This forkful’s like “I see your steak ‘n mushroom, and raise you lamb and mushroom, bro!”

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Now, I don’t remember who ordered the spam, or why I thought eating spam would be a good idea, but it turns out that even after heating it up in a hot pot, spam does not taste good!!!!

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Oh, did I mention there were noodles, too? These thick, springy ropes of Udon put the Noodles in Chine Legendary Hot Pot & Noodles!

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It’s a bacon mac ‘n cheese grilled cheese burger, bro!!!!

So, we’re hanging out at MELTwich, this friendly neighbourhood sandwich shop on Richmond Street in downtown Toronto. Now, YOU KNOW this is body by grilled cheese, and they aim to please with all sorts of cheesy sammies, son! You’ve got a chicken club, a steak melt, chipotle tuna…even a goat cheese ‘n mushroom melt, bro! But dude, anytime there’s a burger on the menu, I’m probably gonna order it. This here’s the Monster Melt, and it’s a graveyard sm…elt?

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OK, so maybe that doesn’t rhyme, but nothing rhymes with funkalciousness, bro! This honky-tonk redonkadonk mouth candy has got bacon, it’s got lettuce, pickles, onions, tomatoes–and oh yeah, mac ‘n cheese between two grilled cheese sandwich buns! The last time I saw this much mactastic cheesaliciousness, I was at the Mac ‘n Cheese Festival, homes!

Now, I gotta say, this burger was pretty darn messy. There’s really nothing to hold the mac attack together, so it pretty much just slid out of the back of the bun, and I had to scoop it up with a fork. But man, that patty was on point, nicely seasoned, the veggies were fresh and crisp, and that chipotle sauce added a nice little kick. The grilled cheese buns weren’t pretty, but they got the job done!

Man, this has gotta be in the top three grilled cheese burgers I’ve ever had. But of course, it’s not nearly as outta-bounds as the one at the top of the list! Can I get a little Metallica to go, bro???

Holy smokey German beer!

Now, I’m no stranger to smoked food. I’ve had smoked chicken, smoked turkey, smoked wings, smoked corned beef, smoked ribs, smoked sausage, smoked brisket…and even a Scandinavian smokehouse platter! But smoked beer was a whole ‘nother story–up until last night.

I dunno if they eat BBQ in Germany, but smoked beer is actually a pretty big thing. See, there’s this brewery called Schlenkerla that uses beechwood-smoked barley in not one, not two, not three or four or five or six but seven signature brews! And you don’t even hafta go all the way to Bamberg to get it, cuz they’re serving it up at Laylow, this friendly neighbourhood brewpub at College and Dufferin, son!!!

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Dude, this beer is blacker than a Spinal Tap album cover! And it’s got a nice smokey richness to it. You know the bartender broseph had me sold when he said it smells like bacon–and it really does! You can buy ’em online in the bottle for 1.80 Euros, but at Laylow, it’ll cost ya $8.50. Hey, shipping’s a bitch, bro!!!!

And I ran… straight into this Flock of fried chickens!!!

Now, I had been hearing good things about Flock, this funky ol’ chicken shack on Harbord Street, for a little while–and now, I finally got the chance to check it out. Basically, if you’re going here, you’ll have the chicken. And man, this place has everything: chicken soup, chicken salad, winner winner chicken dinner, chicken sammies, chicken tacos… But you know I like my chicken fried just about as much as a cold beer on a Friday night–so me, I’m gonna order the five-piece fried chicken platter:

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Dude, this basket is so far outta bounds. it ended up on the opposite fairway–yuuup, that’s a golf reference, bro! The chicken is super-hot and crispy, straight outta the fryer, and you’ve got a tangy pickle, crunchy slaw, a hot, buttery biscuit and a whole mess of hot sauce on the side. Duuude, Whole Mess of Hot Sauce on the Side was my nickname in Sunday school!!!

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Of course, that hot sauce tastes even better when you smother it on a drumstick! It’s got a creamy, buttery kick that goes great with the crunchaliciousness of the chicken, and a couple bites of pickle’ll cool it off nicely. Dude, this is like dinner AND a movie for one in Flavourtown! And you know I made sure there was no crumb left behind, bro!!!!!

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Chickity Thailand, smoked BBQ chicken!

It was hotter than Sriracha outside today, so we’re back at Adelaide Eats before they shut ‘er down at the end of next week. Now, one the funkiest, hottest stalls in this joint is Cassia Northern Thai BBQ. And this ain’t yer grandpa’s pad thai, bro! This place is smoking their own meats on-site, and serving it up in a plastic cup–I’m about to spend one night in Bangkok with this lemongrass chicken!!!!

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Dude, this bird is THE WORD! The meat is so smokey it can prevent forest fires, and it comes with a nice, crispy skin. Then you’ve got a crunchy green papaya salad and some sticky rice on the side, all washed down with a home-brewed iced tea. It’s like a festival of funk in Flavourtown!!!!

This jerk duck doesn’t suck!

So, it’s another beautiful day in the Flavourhood, and we’re back at Adelaide Eats for some real-deal street food. Dude, they’ve got this Jamaican stand, and when I hear they not only had jerk pulled duck, but they were putting it on poutine…then you know we be jammin’, bro!!!!

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Now, I gotta say, this was NOT some of the best poutine in my life. The fries were thin and crunchy, the cheese curds were cold and most of the jerk gravy ended up at the bottom of the box. Plus, what the funk is up with that white sauce!?

But man, that jerk duck definitely didn’t suck! Good texture, nice chew and just a little bit of a kick. I could put this on a flip-flop, and it would still taste good!

Run to the tacos, bro!!!!

So, we’re hanging out at Budweiser Stage last weekend, where Iron Maiden is bringing the noise and these pulled pork tacos are bringing the funk, courtesy of the Rancho Relaxo food truck:

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OK, let’s break it down. The pulled pork is cooked perfectly, melts in your mouth. You’ve got sour orange, achiote and a crunchy coleslaw on top. And you know I threw down a whole buncha Cholula on top, papi chulo!

Hey, three tacos for 12 bucks maybe ain’t the best deal in the barrio, but it actually cost me less than that lone can of Corona in the background… You know it’s sad but true!

(Whoops, wrong concert, bro!!!!)

Pour some queso on me (in the name of cheese)!!!

Dude, if there’s one thing I love more than Def Leppard, it’s queso, bro! So when I heard that Wendy’s was rolling out not one, not two but three things with queso on ’em, I knew I had to try ’em all. Man, I would even put queso on a Frosty–why is that not on the menu???

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This Bacon Queso Burger was honky-tonk redonkadonk! You’ve got Wendy’s fresh, never frozen beef, some thick strips of bacon, purple onions and a nice slab of that queso sauce. And this ain’t no shitty stadium nacho cheese, neither–it’s got a bit of a kick, with some diced jalapenos in there and everything!

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But man, the Bacon Queso Chicken was even better, bro! Pretty much anytime you combine bacon and breaded chicken, you know it’s gonna be good, but the cheese sauce really kicks it up a notch! Now, if only you could get a Bacon Queso Spicy Chicken sandwich…

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Now, the move with the Bacon Queso Fries is to let the cheese melt in, adding that extra level of cheesiness to the dish. It wouldda been better if they had broken up the bacon a bit more, but when you get a big ol’ chunk of bacon on your fork, that’s pretty much the perfect bite, right there:

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Dude, after devouring all that food, I don’t think I’d have room for that Bacon Queso Frosty anyways…

I’m about to go all Gangnam Style on this Korean Fried Chicken!

So, we’re back at Adelaide Eats, the sweet treat to beat the heat on the street, where they’ve serving up some real-deal outdoor delicacies–but only till the 28th, bro! Now, when it comes to fried chicken, I know real-deal when I eat it. I’ve certainly shoved my share of Double Downs straight down my piehole in my time. So, when you say “fried chicken sandwich,” I’m all over that like Snoop Dogg on a bad guest appearance, bro!

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OK, so here’s the deal. Kaboom Chicken, this funky little joint on Queen East, is serving it up Korean-style on a crunchy baguette roll! The chicken is super crispy, sticky-icky, with just a bit of slaw and hot sauce, cuz that’s all you really need, right? They even cut it in half, so you get two sliders for the price of one…although, that price is 10 dollars, so it’s not exactly a bargain-basement food find in Flavourtown! But hey, if I had 40 bucks to spend, I could slam another 4-5 of these, no problemo, bro!

How to make beef ribs at home

I fucking love beef ribs, bro!!!! Whether it’s eating them for breakfast at a ribfest, a whole whack of them for 19 bucks at Smoke Bourbon, or finding them on special at one of the many great BBQ joints all over this city, if you’re asking “Where’s the beef?” the answer is straight down my piehole, son! But one thing I’ve never done was try to make them at home. So when I saw beef ribs on special at Longo’s, I figured I’d give’r a go. Here’s how that all went down:

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OK, so first of all, I found this recipe on the internet for insane-in-the-membrane beef ribs, so I knew it had to be good. The recipe says to boil ’em for 20 minutes while you preheat the oven and prepare the sauce. But I ain’t got stuff like red wine, brown sugar or curry powder ’round here, so instead, I reached for my old friend Bull’s-Eye. It’s the official sauce of the Stampede, son!

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But this ain’t any old BBQ sauce–it’s Guinness BBQ sauce, bro! Pretty sure I bought this on St. Patty’s Day on the way home from Pogue Mahone, cuz the seal was already broken ‘n shit…but it’s all good in the Flavourhood, homes!

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So, once the ribs came out of the pot, I smothered ’em in enough Guinness sauce to drown an Irishman, then stuck ’em in the oven for half an hour. The recipe said to pour the remaining sauce overtop, but since I didn’t measure, that just meant more saucy goodness for me!!!

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So now, here comes the fun part. At this point, these ribs have taken me 50 minutes to prepare, and I’m so hungry I could eat a flip-flop with nothing on it, and it would still taste good! Alas, these ribs weren’t quite the stuff that legends are made of. I shouldda cut the fat off the back first, and probably didn’t need to cook them so long–but that’s not to say I didn’t lick my plate clean like KISS with no makeup, bro!

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