EATS OF BALTIMORE: The Best Little Crab Cakes in Maryland

Now, Baltimore is known for its seafood, especially the legendary crab cake. But what they don’t tell ya is crab cakes don’t come cheap—you could be paying as much as 40 bucks, bro!

So what do you do when you wanna slam some crab without dropping mad cheddar? Try these minis on for size:

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They sell these little flavour nuggets of funkaliciousness at Phillips Seafood, this local institution in the Inner Harbour. For Happy Hour, you can score three of these, plus a basket of chips, for just seven bucks, bro! But you know we ain’t done there…

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This ain’t no poor man’s po boy! The shrimp is melt-in-your-mouth tender, lightly breaded, with a nice, crisp pickle, lettuce and tomato. Served on a warm lobster-roll-style role, this sammy is TheBomb.gov.md!

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Slaying some Nashville Hot Shrimp, son!

Now, you KNOW it’s Endless Shrimp season at Red Lobster, which is like a culinary Thanksgiving of the sea in Flavourtown. You’ve got your breaded shrimp, your garlic shrimp, your Mediterranean shrimp…even a shrimp linguini alfredo, bro! But the whole reason I’m here is for their brand new funkalicious flavour, Nashville Hot Shrimp:

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Now, it’s not exactly Nashville hot chicken, but this shrimp’s got a bit of a kick. They use a dry rub that’s sorta like BBQ chips on steroids, and then drizzle it with honey for a little added sweetness. They definitely won’t melt your face off though, bro!

And since the shrimp don’t stop till you say when, I just polished off, like, 72 of these babies. I’m gonna be feeling the bern like Larry David on Curb Your Enthusiasm Season Nine, Bernie bros!!!!

Eating all the meats @ Copacabana

Now, it goes without saying I like steak. Dude, this is body by steak, bro!!!! So, when I found this funky Brazilian steakhouse that was serving up all the meat you could eat for two hours, I knew I wanted to eat all of it. And with about 20 different kinds of steak, chicken and seafood on the menu, I pretty much checked all of them off the list. (The only thing I didn’t see was sausage, son!)

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We start off with some top sirloin, sliced right off the spit! Careful with that knife, bro!!!!

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Next up, we’ve got filet mignon wrapped in bacon. You can’t go wrong with beef wrapped in bacon!

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Next up, we’ve got some parmesan steak. Can you tell I like steak?

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And now for some New York striploin. And I didn’t even hafta ride the subway to get it!

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And now, time for something completely different. We’re talking Slamma Jamma Lamba, son!!!!

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In Brazil, they call this picanha. In Flavourtown, we call it magically delicious! Oh, and there’s some grilled pineapple on the side, so I can say I had one serving of fruit.

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You know what’s even better than top sirloin? Garlic sirloin, bro!!!

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And now, here’s something I didn’t even see on the menu. When they were coming around with a container of beef ribs, you know I had to grab some!

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But you know, they don’t just do beef at this joint. Here’s a little dish I like to call Moroccan Chicken:

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I saw the shrimp, and it opened up my mouth, I saw the shrimp…

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Now, how do you make prime rib even better? Just add aged cheddar!

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And now we’re heading south of the border for some funkalicious chimichurri steak:

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Now, I completely forgot to take a picture of the flank steak before I shoved it straight down my piehole. My bad, bro! But maybe it’s time to switch to chicken. Here’s the cilantro lime edition:

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And how’s about a drumstick?

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They just called this one “spicy chicken.” I couldn’t tell you what kind of spice–at this point, I can’t even taste my feelings:

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Two hours and 16 meats (plus one pineapple) later, and we’re outta here. But man, if I could just get a sword of the cheddar prime rib to go, that would be great, bro!

Winner, winner, Portuguese chicken dinner!!!

So, we’re hanging out at Bairrada Churrasqueira, this funky little chicken shack on College Street. This place is kind of a west-end empire, killin’ it and grillin’ it since ’89 with locations in Little Portugal, Little Italy, Corso Italia…and they’ve even got one in Mississauga. But no matter where you go, you KNOW that the bird is the word, bro!!!!

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Now, this ain’t no Swiss Chalet quarter chicken dinner, son! For just $13.50, you get a drumstick, wing, breast and thigh, with a side of rice, potatoes and a buncha black olives, for a little extra kick. The chicken is super tender ‘n juicy, you get nice char marks from the grill, and it melts in your mouth like goody, goody gumdrops!

The sides are pretty decent, but nothing special. Apparently, you only get fries if you order the steak…so I guess I’ll just hafta save room next time. 😉

I like my bacon black just like my metal!

So, we’re hanging out at Graffiti’s Bar & Grill, this funky little dive in Kensington Market. Normally, you could expect to hear all kinds of music in this joint–there’s even an old, battered piano–but on Sundays, it’s all about the ‘bangers. And no, I don’t mean bangers ‘n mash, bro!

Black Metal Brunch has been a neighbourhood staple for 13 plus years. The bar’s been blasting out heavy riffs and serving up hearty eats to long-haired freaky people every Sunday since back when Limp Bizkit was still cool…and it looks like their prices are still stuck in 2004, bro! I mean, I’m pretty sure a spread like this will set ya back at least $12.50 at Denny’s:

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They call this The Big One, and it’s only nine bucks, son! You’ve got three eggs, two types of bacon–peameal and bacon strips–toast and potatoes, with a couple pieces of fruit for dessert. And this ain’t no skinny sliver of back bacon, bro!!!

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Dude, this is like a breakfast blast beat of blasphemy in Flavourtown! The peameal is about the size of a pork chop, the eggs are scrambled up nicely, you’ve got some seasoning on the potatoes, and rye toast that’s about as black as a Norwegian dance party. All that’s missing is the pointy hat!

It’s a beef brisket mac ‘n cheese bodycheck, bro!!!!

So, we’re hanging out at Kelly’s Landing, this funky new upscale pub ‘n grub just a Bashin’ Bill Barilko slapshot away from the Scotiabank ACC. This place used to be a Casey’s, but they’ve kicked it up a notch in every way imaginable. They’ve even put in a big-screen so you can watch the game, if you don’t feel like showing up on time!

And the menu’s pretty classy too, with lobster fettuccine, sustainable salmon and some righteous greens (literally, it says “righteous greens” on the menu, bro!) But when I saw they were putting 14-hour smoked brisket on top of mac ‘n cheese, I knew where this dish was landing…straight down my piehole, bro!!!!

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OK, let’s break it downskis. The mac attack is baked, not fried, with an aged cheddar crust. The brisket is basically beef jerky texture, and then you’ve got a little green thing as a garnish. They don’t give you very much food for 11 bucks, though. It’s really just a light pre-game snack in Flavourtown, son!

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But you KNOW we ain’t done there, bro! This tasty trio of fish tacos comes piled high with a pineapple slaw that’s pretty slawsome. You’ve got some mixed greens, avocado mayo and cheddar cheese, with some smoked chili sauce on the side for an extra kick. It’s like a first-line powerplay goal in the Flavourtown Cup Playoffs, bro!

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And these ain’t no tiny little 10-dollar tacos either, Curtis Broseph! You almost need to keep both hands on the stick to throw this one roof-daddy! They might be a little too heavy on the slaw, though. I might wanna get that on the side next time…

I just got a great deal on gyros, bro!

Now, I don’t always eat at food courts, but when I do, I like to funk it up. And Village on the Grange is probably the funkiest food court in the city–this side of the Urban Eatery! You won’t find any chains here bro, except for Mickey D’s. On the other hand, you’ve got vegan, you’ve got Korean, you’ve got sushi and dim sum and pho, oh my!

Oh, and there’s also this family-run Greek joint called Souvlaki House that’s been there for a million years…and they probably haven’t even raised their prices during that time. Cuz you can get a whole plate of food for just fo’ fiddy–and we’re talkin’ meatballs, we’re talkin’ moussaka, and my personal Greek favourite, gyros:

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Nobody really knows what animal gyros come from, but one thing’s for sure, they’re magically delicious! These zesty meat strips go great with tzatziki, and then you’ve got some potatoes, and your choice of side salad. (I went with the coleslaw, which was maybe a mistake.) All that and a can of Arizona will only set ya back about seven bucks…after HST, bro! That’s like a Giannis Antetokounmpo throwdown in Flavourtown!!!!