It’s like the ham & pineapple pizza of tacos, bro!!!

So we’re hanging out at King’s Tacos, this funky family joint that’s been serving it up on St. Clair West since the 80’s. Now this place is the real deal, super-legit Mexican food, bro—they even import their tortillas from Mexico! And you know they’ve got lengua, they’ve got barbacoa, they’ve got tacos al pastor…but they’ve also got a whole buncha funky, house-made creations that you won’t find anywhere else—like these Hawaiian tacos, bro!

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OK, so here’s the deal. You pay 17 bucks and they give you a plate full of ham, pineapple, beef, bacon and cheese, with a side container of hot, fresh, corn tortillas. It’s a party in my mouth, bro! You’ve got the sweetness from the pineapples, a nice chew from the ham, some crispness from the bacon…and then you throw some beef in there. Dude, who needs pizza when you’ve got tacos???

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This is a Batch of the good stuff, right here!

So, we’re hanging out at Batch, this funky craft brew pub just a guitar pick’s throw away from Massey Hall on Victoria St. Now, this place is run by the fine folks at Creemore Springs, and while they’ve got a buncha Creemore brews on tap, they’re also serving up their own in-house Batch brand, like this here Witbier:

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This light, citrusy, easy-drinking brew tastes perfect when it’s like minus one-thousand outside and you kinda wish it was summer. But while it goes down smooth, it ain’t no light beer, packing a respectable 5.1%. Oh, and it goes great with Welsh rarebit:

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That’s rarebit, not rabbit, bro! This spongey, squishy bread is soft on the inside, crunchy on the outside, kinda like a cross between banana bread and a soft pretzel. And then they just absolutely slather it with a warm cheddar cheese—man, you could put that on a flip-flop and it would still taste good!

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Speaking of tasting good, this pork belly sammy the TheBomb.ca, brosephus! You’ve got a perfect texture on the pork, with some crusty bits on the end, a whole buncha purple slaw, and some spicy, grainy mustard for that extra kick. Plus, their fries are freakin’ yuuuge! I could easily just polish off a plate of potaters alone!!!

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Now, after a pork sammy plus a cheesy pretzel, I like to kick back and relax with a warm, fruity seasonal beer, like this one, the Winter Warmer. This is one of those brews to savour by the fire after you’ve eaten your weight in sausage rolls. It’s got a similar heavy, fruity taste to the imperial stout I polished off at BeerBistro…except this one ain’t 50 bucks a bottle, alco-broski!

Tackling a 22 oz pork chop @ Hogtown Smoke!

So we’re hanging out at Hogtown Smoke, this funky BBQ joint that just opened up a new can of kickass in downtown Toronto. The original smokehouse was a little hole in the wall, but the new place is pretty massive, with a great layout, and plenty of big screens to watch Tom Brady matriculate the football. Man, I would go back here just to watch the game, even if the food wasn’t so righteously funkalicious!

But yeah, they feed you pretty good, too. Last time I was at Hogtown Smoke, I polished off a massive pile of Kitchen Sink Fries, and still had room for a beef rib. So you know I was about to dive head first into their new menu, bro!!!

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These jalapeno poppers were poppin’, son! They take a whole jalapeno pepper, stuff it with cheese, then wrap it in bacon. Dude, you could wrap a flip-flop in bacon, and it would still taste good!

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But one does not simply enter Hogtown Smoke and order only one appetizer, so you know I shoved this Super Bowl of burnt ends straight down my piehole! But that’s still just a second breakfast in Flavourtown…

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Now, I’ve scarfed down a couple steaks that were even meatier (although I didn’t finish one of them), but this was probably the biggest piece of pork I’ve ever pounded. You’ve got 22 ounces of Heritage Berkshire pork, super tender and juicy, with roasted potatoes, greens and pink celery, and then a red-pepper puree. The veggies alone were enough to feed a vegan family, but you KNOW this was just another light snack in Downtown Flavourtown!!!!

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(I will admit that I did NOT have room for dessert afterwards…)

ASSEMBLY CHEF’S HALL: One pulled lamb, one fish and one beef…

Because I didn’t get enough tacos for Christmas, I headed back to Assembly Chef’s Hall, where they’ve got a funky little joint that’s hand rolling the corn tortillas and grilling up the beef, lamb and fish. At Los Colibris, these tacos go for about seven bucks a pop, but you can’t just expect me to eat one taco, bro!!!

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Man, this lamb barbacoa is so far outta bounds, it ended up on the other side of the wall!!! It’s like what you get when you cross roast lamb with pulled pork–a total taste sensation! Pretty sure I could slam, like, seven of these…but then I wouldn’t be able to sample the other tasty taco offerings:

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This beef alambre is giving me hambre, hombre! You’ve got the tender grilled beef, with bell peppers, onions, cilantro and salsa that’s practically baked into the shell. Man, this taco is totally messy, and you KNOW if it ain’t messy, it ain’t tasty, bro!!!!

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This baja fish taco is about to swim straight down my piehole! You’ve got a crispy battered fish with a nice, crunchy slaw–and then I dumped a whole buncha chipotle sauce on top. Cuz I’m in love with chipotle, bro!!!

ASSEMBLY CHEF’S HALL: Legit beef brisket at a food court!?!? Shut the back door!!!!

The Assembly Chef’s Hall is now fully operational, with a buncha new food stands just opening up yesterday. And this is definitely the one I was waiting for, right here. I’ve never been to Cherry St Bar-B-Que before, cuz it’s in the middle of nowhere, but I can tell you that their food is straight outta Downtown Flavourtown. Here’s the beef right here, heading straight down my piehole!!!

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Man, this brisket is too legit to quit! You’ve got some big, meaty slices with just the right amount of fat. The meat is super-tender, melt-in-your-mouth, with that real-deal smoky flavour. The onions, pickles and holla-atcha-penos on the side make it a fully balanced breakfast, bro! They only had brisket and pulled pork on opening day, but I’m told they’ll be doing turkey and ribs too…so you know I’ll be back, like, seven times a week!!!!!!!

ASSEMBLY CHEF’S HALL: You know I like my chicken fried…

Now, fried chicken is just about the best kind of fast food there is–especially when you get it at a gas station in Cleveland. As far as I’m concerned, every real-deal food court needs a fried chicken joint, and the Assembly Chef’s Hall checks that box with Love Chix.

This funky chicken shack is serving up winner, winner chicken dinner with seasonal sides sold separately, but for the same price, you can also get it in sandwich form, like so:

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OK, let’s break it down. You’ve got a crispy breaded fried chicken with a honey hot sauce that’s equal parts heat and sweet. There’s also a great big glop of tangy mayo, some scratch-made slaw and just a couple greens, for presentation. Between the hot sauce and the mayo, I totally destroyed a couple napkins slamming this sammy down my piehole, bro! I gotta say, it’s pretty tasty…but it’s also 15 bucks, so there’s that.

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ASSEMBLY CHEF’S HALL: Goodson’s got some great pizza, son!

This funky new food court just opened downtown in the Google building on Richmond St. Now, whenever there’s a new food court in town, you KNOW I’m not far behind—but you won’t find any Mickey D’s or KFC here, bro! Instead, they’ve got these fancy eateries from all over the city offering scaled down versions of their menu in a fast-food format. Assembly Chef’s Hall is outta bounds!!!

Now, pizza is probably one of my most favourite things in the world. Dude, this is body by pizza, bro! So it figures that the very first place I’d frequent in the food court would be this funky joint, Goodson Pizza. They’ve got a full service restaurant on Queen St W, but over here, they’re doing what they do best, serving up a handful of scratch-made, real-deal, Italian-style pies. They even stretch the dough out on the counter right before your eyes!

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Now this here is my personal pan favourite, the spicy sopressata. You’ve got a nice base from the San Marzano tomatoes, some ooey, gooey bites of flor di latte, and a whole buncha cured Italian meat, bro! Crust is not too chewy, not too crispy, and there’s a nice little kick from the chili oil. This is definitely the best pizza you’ll ever get at a food court—it puts a horse’s head in Sbarro’s bed, mafi-bro-so!!!!