Monthly Archives: May 2018

A lifetime in Burgatory ain’t a bad place to be!!!

So, we’re hanging out at Burgatory, this funky little burger joint on College, just a Hell’s Bell’s chime away from the Mod Club. And this place is serving up burgers named after not one, not two, not three, not four, not five, but six of the seven deadly sins. There’s no Lust Burger, cuz I guess that’s what the Mod Club’s there for?

Now, I was gonna go with the Gluttony Burger–dude, this is body by gluttony!–until I saw the extra-special ingredient they’re putting on this super-slow-mo special, the Sloth Burger:

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OK, now let’s break it down. You’ve got a nice, thick ‘n juicy patty, topped with lettuce, tomato, Velveeta and some special sauce made in house. But then they add a little extra crunch by putting Hickory Sticks on the burger. Dude, Hickory Sticks are pretty much my all-time favourite snack food, and I once made a homemade Hickory Sticks chicken sammy that sorta looked like Guy Fieri. So, it looks like I’ve got a new favourite deadly sin now…

 

This bacon-wrapped BLT dog is a slice of trailer park paradise!

Now, there’s a whole buncha country bars on Broadway, but Paradise Park Trailer Resort has gotta be the most Red-red-red-red-red-redneck of ‘em all! This place has got a hillbilly band playing on top of a muscle car, local craft beers in plastic cups—not to mention 6-dollar pitchers of Natty Light—and has all kinds of killer redneck fast food, like this culinary creation, the Paradise BLT Dog:

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Ok, so here’s the deal. They take an all-beef wiener, wrap it in bacon, and deep fry it, then serve it up in a bun with lettuce, tomato and mayo. It’s like BLTs Gone Wild, bro!!!

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Of course, you can’t scarf down a deep-fried, bacon-wrapped hot dog with a side salad, so we went with the chili cheese fries. Nothing wrong with taters, meaty chili and all kinds of processed queso, bro!

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Washed it all down with a Portly Stout by local brewer Turtle Anarchy. First time I’ve ever drank a stout in a solo cup…and it was magically delicious!!!

Meat and three? Could I maybe get a three meat and one?

So, we’re hanging out at Puckett’s Grocery, this legendary local institution in the Nashville area. This place is serving up all kinds of southern comfort food, including a breakfast buffet, but they’re known for their Chalkboard Specials: One meat, 3 sides for just $10.99…but only from 11 am until 3 in the afternoon!

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They switch up their meats everyday, but this time they had a choice of pulled pork, smoked pork chop or fried chicken. Now, I don’t think I’ve ever had a smoked pork chop before, so I went with turnip greens, French fries and Mac n cheese alongside. (The mac was an extra buck fiddy, but no biggie!)

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Dude, that chop was packed with super-smoky flavour in every bite. You’ve got a nice, buttery bowl of greens, and a consistently creamy mac. The fries were really nothing special, but overall, I ain’t complaining!!!

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Washed it all down with a five-dollar Mason jar of Southern Wit, a tasty local wheat beer that I first tried my last time here. All that, and it was still less than 20 bucks—that’s a Tennessee highway robbery in Flavourtown!!!!

COUNTRY SUPERSTAR BAR SHOWDOWN: Blake Shelton’s Ole Red vs Dierks Bentley’s Whiskey Row

Although there are plenty of classic country bars on Nashville’s Lower Broadway, like Tootsie’s, Robert’s and Nudies, there have also been a few new ones named after big time country stars, like Alan Jackson’s Good Time Bar and Jason Aldean’s Crazy Town. The latest one to hit the strip is Ole Red, which has Blake Shelton’s fingerprints, if not his name, on it.

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When I stepped in off the street, the in-house band was just finishing up a George Jones tune, which is always a good sign. Their repertoire was also heavy on George Strait and Conway Twitty, and I actually heard them play Clint Black’s “Killin’ Time” twice, which might be one of the best country-music drinking songs of the 1990’s…

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Speaking of drinking, this place has got its own signature Ole Red Ale, brewed by Nashville’s Fat Bottom Brewing. It’s a pretty mild red beer, which tastes more or less like Rickard’s Red…but it does happen to be named after a Blake Shelton hit single.

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Ole Red actually has four floors. The second floor is a little more cozy than the first, and features this bitchin’ buffalo head, along with several TV screens showing the NHL playoffs. I definitely spent some time up here, pounding Music City Light beers…

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From there I headed up to the rooftop, where the most country song on the playlist was by Taylor Swift. But it did have a pretty sweet view of Nissan Stadium, along with some tasty snacks.

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Dude, you can’t get much more country than beef jerky and corn nuts in a mason jar, bro! This jerky was nice and tender, not too hard to chew, and the chili-spiced corn nuggets added an extra kick. But the best was yet to come…

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Hot pretzels are pretty much my favourite stadium snack, bro, and this one’s the size of a Marcus Mariota TD gallop! Plus, it comes with this super-creamy queso dip… dude, I’d put that on a flip-flop!!!!

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Washed it all down with a Dogfish Head Sea Quench Ale, this super-citrusy brew from Delaware’s finest brewery. This totally took some of the heat off those corn nuts!!!!

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Now, when I walked into Dierks Bentley’s Whiskey Row, some burly, bearded dude was singing “Any Man of Mine” by Shania Twain. I fucking shit you not. And while there were plenty of screens showing the basketball game, you weren’t gonna get any craft beer here—they had Miller Lite, Bud Light, Coors Light and Michelob Ultra on ice.

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After a couple more songs, I headed up to the second floor, where an all-white band was playing Bob Marley. This floor had a slightly better beer selection—if you consider Blue Moon slightly better beer—but once the drummer started singing Stevie Wonder, I was gone, gone, gone…

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Whiskey Row claims to have the highest rooftop patio in Nashville…where a DJ was playing some crappy rap music. I don’t think I lasted more than 10 minutes!!!

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After grabbing a non-light beer on the second floor, I headed down to Floor One to hear the band play 90’s radio rock staples by Eve 6 and the Gin Blossoms, before launching into the Uncle Kracker version of “Drift Away.” (Trust me, it was the Uncle Kracker version.) But at least I hung around long enough to hear em play “Drink in My Hand,” “Friends in Low Places” and, uh, “Sweet Caroline.” This floor was definitely the lesser of three evils.

FINAL VERDICT: Even though Blake Shelton loses 500 points off the top for recording “Boys Round Here,” his bar still wins by a landslide. Dierks Bentley’s joint is so un-country, it makes “Somewhere on a Beach” sound like “Your Cheatin’ Heart.” Man, I’d rather stick a pink umbrella in my drink at Florida Georgia Line’s FGL House Sundaze Brunch than go back to Whiskey Row, bro!!!!!!

Sometimes, to get the real-deal hot chicken, you gotta go to Nashville…

Happy Nashlorette Party, dudettes! So, we’re down in the Music City, hanging out at Hattie B’s, the most popular hot chicken joint in town. People line up over an hour for this stuff—and that’s just the sweaty lineup for the bathroom, bro!!!

Now me, I wanted to get Redneck Crazy with the Boys Round Here without having to Fire Away, so I just went with the medium:

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I gotta say, this is some of the crunchiest fried chicken I’ve ever had. And the chicken itself tasted like you get at the deli counter when it’s still nice and fresh. Nothing wrong with that at all! As for the heat level, I’d say it was about the same as a good Buffalo wing. You get a nice kick, but it doesn’t melt your face off, unless you decide to kick it up another notch (or three)…

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Still, to play it safe, I went with a couple of cool and creamy sides. I’d give the coleslaw an edge over the tater salad, but I wouldn’t kick either outta my picnic basket! And it’s hard to believe that all this food is just nine bucks, bro!!!

I gotta give Hattie B’s the edge when it comes to value and crunchaliciousness, but I gotta say, the best Nashville hot chicken I’ve ever had has still gotta be at Chica’s Chicken. Now, THAT bird is the word, surfer bro!!!!

Chica’s Nashville Hot Chicken is the new Toronto chicken champion!

Better put on yer boots and go honky tonkin’, cuz Nashville hot chicken is taking over Toronto, bro! A couple weeks back, we hit up Five Points Hot Chicken, this little takeout window inside a funky dive bar at Bloor and Dufferin, and that place was pretty legit. (I would know, cuz I’ve been to Nashville…) But now this new funky chicken joint just opened in The Junction, and it’s 2 Legit 2 Quit. Chica’s Nashville Hot Chicken is run by the former head pitmaster at Adamson Barbecue, the best BBQ joint in the city, and this place definitely knows what’s up!!!

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Now, some hot chicken joints use the heat to hide the meat, but that’s definitely not the case at this place. This chicken is tender, juicy, deep-fried to order so that it explodes all over your face, bro! And yeah, it just might be a little spicy. I went with the medium, which went down pretty easy, but came back to bite me the next day. The taste of love is sweet, Bro-nny Cash!!!

Real-deal Tex Mex @ HotMess

Don’t get me wrong–I loves me a super-authentic Mexican taco joint just as much as the next Guy (Fieri). But I can also dig it when a joint says “No, we’re not Mexican, we’re Tex-Mex.” And HotMess, this funky little joint in Little Italy, is definitely not ashamed to say they serve Tex-Mex food. Dude, this place has everything: hard-shell tacos, chimichangas, chili con queso, hotdogueros…and of course, you can’t have Texas food without Frito pie:

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Now, I have had Frito pie in Toronto before. Heck, I’ve even had it in Texas. But this is the closest I’ve come to the real-deal, down-home Frito pie experience, where they open up a bag of Fritos, and pour some chili and cheese in the name of love. OK, so they fancy it up a bit with onions, tomatoes and holla-atcha-penos, and they use shredded cheese instead of queso, but I double-dog dare ya to find me anything closer to a Friday Night Lights Frito pie this far north of the border, hombre!!!

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But you KNOW that’s just a light snack in Flavourtown, Texas, bro! So we’re following it up with a green chile patty melt. You’ve got poblanos, serranos and roasted onions on top of a ground-chuck burger with Monterey Jack and even some bacon jam–and it’s all swimming in a green big glob of greasy, grimy donkey sauce! I’d put that on a flip-flop!!!!

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Now, the one spot where they come up short of the full Texas experience is on the beer list. You won’t be able to slam some Lone Stars or Shiners here–hell, I don’t think you can even buy those brews in Ontario, bro! But they do have a pretty decent selection of local craft beer cans, like this light, crisp, Huron County Lager. One thing’s for sure, this joint doesn’t need too much more cowbell!!!

Kiro dreams of spicy scallop sushi…

So, we’re hanging out at Kiro Sushi, this funky Japanese joint just offa Yonge Street, a sushi’s roll from the Toronto Reference Library. And speaking of sushi rolls, this place has no less than 16 different makis on their lunch menu, including this mac-daddy maki, the spicy scallop:

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These scallops are super creamy, with just a bit of cucumber, a nice crunch from the flakes and a tiny little kick from the Japanese donkey sauce. But because one good maki six-packy deserves another, you KNOW we’re not done here, bro!!!

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This eel avocado roll is so outta bounds, it’s swimming backwards into a wall of fire, Matthew Good Bro! You’ve got these frickin yuuuge chucks of avocado, a nice, flaky piece of eel, and just a dollop of teriyaki sauce. And did I mention that six pieces of these, the six spicy scallops, plus a fistful of fresh fish is just 18 bucks after tax!? For a few dollars more, you can get extra sushi, or even some sashimi, son! And boom goes the dynamite!!!

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Hot N Cold Portuguese tapas @ Chiado

Now, when you think tapas, you’re probably thinking Spain, or maybe Japan, but did you know they’ve also got small plates in Portugal? Well, at least they do in Little Portugal, bro! We’re hanging out at Chiado, this fancy Portuguese place on College, just west of Ossington. They’ve actually got a full-fledged tapas menu here, but if you wanna classy it up, you can make a reservation in the dining room, and order a lot of the same stuff as appetizers. You will hafta leave your trucker hat at home though, bro!!!!

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Dude, these clams are clam-tastic! You’ve got a bowlful of steamed babies, with garlic, coriander and a white wine/olive oil broth that goes great with the bread basket, bro!

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This was some of the fanciest smoked salmon I’ve seen, served up pinwheel-style with onions, capers and a hard-boiled quail egg!!!

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Now, I don’t always go for goat cheese, but since they insisted, I couldn’t resist it. This toasty goatsy is served on a bed of eggplant and portabellas, with a champagne supernova vinaigrette!

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Now, I’m a sucker for some great grilled squid, whether it’s battered and fried Greek style, or done up all Japaneezy. At this place, they cook it with coriander, lemon, garlic and a little extra virgin olive oil, for that extra kick!

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Now here’s a funky dish you definitely don’t see every day! You may have had beef carpaccio before, but do you even know fish carpaccio, bro? This thinly sliced raw grouper is served up with white asparagus, pine nuts and a little preserved citrus adding just a touch of zestiness.

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And now we’re getting into the funky portion of this evening’s performance, with some grilled piri piri quail served on top of a shiitake mushroom risotto. Tastes just like chicken!

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Now, I’m not sure if this shot gives you any sense of just how massive these tiger shrimp are, but I gotta tell ya, they’re pretty freakin’ yuuuge. They’ve also gotta be some of the plumpest, tenderest, tastiest crustaceans I’ve ever stuffed my face in. I could probably slam seven or eight of these…if they weren’t 38 bucks an order!

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And finally, you’ve got the special du jour, a creamy tuna tartar with chunks of avocado, onion and I forget what that yellow stuff is. Dude, this is like a culinary hockey puck of awesomeness in Flavourtown. He shoots, he scores, bro!!!

Now, in case you were wondering, I did NOT eat all eight of these amazing apps alone…I might have had just a little help from my friends. But, on the plus side, at least I saved some room for dessert:

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Dude, this chocolate mousse is totally scattered, smothered and covered with tons of tasty toppings! You’ve got walls of milk and white chocolate, three kinds of berries, a couple different sauces for swiping…and then there’s these little lemon meringue kisses on top. And you know this plate ain’t clean until I lick it up, lick it up, whoa-oh-oh!!!!

 

 

I’m about to smash some bangers and mash!!!

Now, when the weather’s tip-top, there’s nothing I like more than nipping out for a cheeky pint…or at least, that’s what my British cousin might say. But when it comes to real-deal, authentic English pubs in Toronto, the Elephant & Castle is where it’s at! They’ve got a couple in this city, one on Yonge, and one on King, where there’s serving up a whole buncha British pub classics, like these smashing beauties, bangers and mash:

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Dude, this sausage party is heading straight down my piehole, bro! You’ve got some hot ‘n juicy sausage that’s equal parts Polish and breakfast, with garlic mashed potaters and a rich beef gravy. This dish is so dope, Russell Brand even wrote a song about it:

Of course, you can’t slam some Bomb.co.uk bangers without a pint of Guinness, innit? This one’s poured pretty much perfectly:

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