Y’know, I can’t always be rollin’ out, looking for Canada’s greatest burgers, bacon and beers all the time. Some days, I just wanna get drunk and eat chicken fingers. But there ain’t too many places where you can get chicken strips to go — sure, there’s maybe KFC, but why order chicken fingers when you can do a Double Down, dude??? So when I heard that Tim Hortons was servin’ up chicken strips, I figured I’d pick some up on the way back from The Beer Store:
Now, these bad boys only come two to an order, and it’s like $4.50, but that also comes with dipping sauce. I went with chipotle and ranch — dude, Chipotle Ranch is the name of my weekend getaway! But man, nine bucks for four chicken fingers is kinda lame…especially when the good kind are eight bucks:
Now, it’s pretty safe to say that Triple B isn’t that big on vegan food. After all, two of the three B’s are quite meaty. But y’know, a little while back, we were hanging out at FuBar, this cozy heavy metal dive with a vegan pizza place downstairs, and their vegan poutine pizza was pretty legit, so I figured I’d pop in to Apiecalypse Now for their slice of a fast-food burger classic.
They call this the Fat Mac, and it’s got a lot going on here. First of all, the shredded dill pickle, diced lettuce and their vegan fat mac sauce capture the taste of Mickey D’s to a T. The crust is nice and crispy, and I don’t even mind the plant-based cheddar cheese. But as I’m shoving this down my piehole, I’ve only got one question: Where’s the beef, bro???
Now, they don’t say what their “ground not beef” is made of, but it does not taste like beef–or like much of anything, really. These sad little overcooked crumbs of plant-based protein really don’t cut through the lettuce, the pickle, or even the cheese sauce…they’re just kinda flavourless. If you ordered a Big Mac without the burger, it might taste something like this.
Hey man, I’ll never turn my back on a bar that was playing my favourite Weedeater song when I first walked in…but next time I think I’ll go with their Slayer!!!1!!!11!! pie instead.
And yes, that is actually a thing…
Now, these funky little Asian dessert joints are popping up all over this city, whether it’s in Chinatown, Little Tokyo or right in the heart of Koreatown, like this joint, Poop Cafe. You know this place is the shit when their seats are made of toilets, bro!!!
And lemme tell ya, you might wanna pop a squat after eating here! They’ve got all kinds of funky, outta-bounds desserts like milkshakes, waffles and this chocolately take on a Korean classic, Bing Poo:
Dude, this toilet bowl is overflowing with shaved ice, almonds, brownie bites, and a great big scoop of Nutella gelato, with a shit-shaped hard candy on top. You might need a courtesy flush after finishing this one, especially when you wash it down with a Unicorn Hot Chocolate:
Dude, this drink is the shiznit — and shiznit is good! You’ve got a toilet-shaped mug, with a swirl of chocolate and Fruit Loops stuck to the bowl. And then on top, you’ve got enough cotton candy to feed a family of four at a fun fair!!! Once you get past all that, then it’s right down to the chocolately, marshmallowy goodness:
Now, I’d hate to be the guy who has to do this dishes here… But hey, it probably beats cleaning toilets?
Now, it probably goes without saying that everything tastes better with cheese–that’s like the first rule of Flavourtown, bro! So, when I find out there’s this funky Indian joint on Yonge St, and they’ve got this cheesy take on tandoori chicken, you KNOW I’m all over that like Donkey Kong…if Donkey Kong ate chicken. This is Khau Gully‘s Nazakaat-E-Murg, heading straight down my piehole:
OK, now let’s break it down. You’ve got a nice, tender chicken breast, marinated in tandoori spices, cooked in a clay pot oven and swimming in a sea of cheese. And then when you cut it open, there’s even more cheese inside:
Dude, I didn’t even know that cheese-stuffed chicken could be considered Indian food, but lemme tell ya, I sooo wanna go to whatever part of India this dish is from, son!!!
Now, sometimes the best ribs don’t always come from a real-deal BBQ joint. We’re hanging out at The Blake House, this funky little pub on Jarvis that’s been around since the ‘90s – the 1890’s, son! And while you can watch the Leafs on TV, they ain’t all about burgers and wings. Instead, you’ve got steaks, you’ve got meat pies, and you’ve got these babies – stout-braised baby back ribs!
Oh man, these babies are super-tender, meat is perfectly moist. You get a nice BBQ sauce, not too saucy, and maybe a bit of richness from the beer coming through. You get a decent helping of fries and purple slaw, and it comes in a half rack or a full…but you KNOW a full rack is just a light snack in Flavourtown!!!
Man, if I had a million dollars, I’d open up a sports bar and smokehouse. I mean, you’ve got BBQ in the smoker, sports on the big screen–what else do you need in life? Well, when I found out a place like this already existed, up around Yonge and Sheppard, I knew I had to check it out…
Rally Sports Bar is a pretty classy joint, with a solid lineup of local craft beer. And they’ve got brisket and pulled pork and ribs, oh my! — although the first two only come in sandwich form. You can also put pulled pork on a burger, with this mighty in-house classic, The Monster:
OK, so what you see is pretty much what you get. Two nice ‘n thick beef patties, with just a bit of pink in the middle, sandwiching some tangy, saucy, unctuous pulled pork–and then they put deep-fried onions on top??? That’s like a game-winning triple play in Flavourtown! The fries on the side are pretty legit, sorta like Swiss Chalet on steroids…and you know I’m gonna need a couple ice cold beers to wash this all down!
Now, I had never even heard of Shillow Beer Co. before, but when I saw that Rally had a brew called Beer Snob on the menu, I pretty much had to try it. This Belgian rye ale has the fruity taste of Unibroue’s Blanche de Chambly, but with a bit more of a kick at 6%. I wouldda definitely slammed a few more of these…but this was the only can they had left!!!
You know me, if there’s two things I like, it’s Italian food…and putting big round things in my face. The bigger the better, bro! So when I heard that Scaddabush, this funky local Italian chain, was serving up some massive meatballs, I knew I had to check it out. They call this one the Straight Up Meatball—and they’re definitely not kidding!
So, you’ve got a great big pile of meat, served on a crostini, with tomato sauce, a three-cheese blend and some fresh basil? Shut the back door! I could probably pound half a dozen of these…but then I wouldn’t have room for pizza:
This smoked bacon and egg pie is like breakfast, lunch and dinner…all rolled into one! You’ve got thick chunks of bacon, not one, but two fresh cracked eggs, some mushrooms, and these red hot chili peppers, cuz we prefer the shade. This is one messy pizza, with the egg running all over the place – but you know what I say, if it ain’t messy, it ain’t tasty!!!!