This vegan Big Mac pizza tastes like it’s missing something…

Now, it’s pretty safe to say that Triple B isn’t that big on vegan food. After all, two of the three B’s are quite meaty. But y’know, a little while back, we were hanging out at FuBar, this cozy heavy metal dive with a vegan pizza place downstairs, and their vegan poutine pizza was pretty legit, so I figured I’d pop in to Apiecalypse Now for their slice of a fast-food burger classic.

They call this the Fat Mac, and it’s got a lot going on here. First of all, the shredded dill pickle, diced lettuce and their vegan fat mac sauce capture the taste of Mickey D’s to a T. The crust is nice and crispy, and I don’t even mind the plant-based cheddar cheese. But as I’m shoving this down my piehole, I’ve only got one question: Where’s the beef, bro???

Now, they don’t say what their “ground not beef” is made of, but it does not taste like beef–or like much of anything, really. These sad little overcooked crumbs of plant-based protein really don’t cut through the lettuce, the pickle, or even the cheese sauce…they’re just kinda flavourless. If you ordered a Big Mac without the burger, it might taste something like this.

Hey man, I’ll never turn my back on a bar that was playing my favourite Weedeater song when I first walked in…but next time I think I’ll go with their Slayer!!!1!!!11!! pie instead.

And yes, that is actually a thing…