I like my bacon black just like my metal!

So, we’re hanging out at Graffiti’s Bar & Grill, this funky little dive in Kensington Market. Normally, you could expect to hear all kinds of music in this joint–there’s even an old, battered piano–but on Sundays, it’s all about the ‘bangers. And no, I don’t mean bangers ‘n mash, bro!

Black Metal Brunch has been a neighbourhood staple for 13 plus years. The bar’s been blasting out heavy riffs and serving up hearty eats to long-haired freaky people every Sunday since back when Limp Bizkit was still cool…and it looks like their prices are still stuck in 2004, bro! I mean, I’m pretty sure a spread like this will set ya back at least $12.50 at Denny’s:

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They call this The Big One, and it’s only nine bucks, son! You’ve got three eggs, two types of bacon–peameal and bacon strips–toast and potatoes, with a couple pieces of fruit for dessert. And this ain’t no skinny sliver of back bacon, bro!!!

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Dude, this is like a breakfast blast beat of blasphemy in Flavourtown! The peameal is about the size of a pork chop, the eggs are scrambled up nicely, you’ve got some seasoning on the potatoes, and rye toast that’s about as black as a Norwegian dance party. All that’s missing is the pointy hat!

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It’s a beef brisket mac ‘n cheese bodycheck, bro!!!!

So, we’re hanging out at Kelly’s Landing, this funky new upscale pub ‘n grub just a Bashin’ Bill Barilko slapshot away from the Scotiabank ACC. This place used to be a Casey’s, but they’ve kicked it up a notch in every way imaginable. They’ve even put in a big-screen so you can watch the game, if you don’t feel like showing up on time!

And the menu’s pretty classy too, with lobster fettuccine, sustainable salmon and some righteous greens (literally, it says “righteous greens” on the menu, bro!) But when I saw they were putting 14-hour smoked brisket on top of mac ‘n cheese, I knew where this dish was landing…straight down my piehole, bro!!!!

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OK, let’s break it downskis. The mac attack is baked, not fried, with an aged cheddar crust. The brisket is basically beef jerky texture, and then you’ve got a little green thing as a garnish. They don’t give you very much food for 11 bucks, though. It’s really just a light pre-game snack in Flavourtown, son!

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But you KNOW we ain’t done there, bro! This tasty trio of fish tacos comes piled high with a pineapple slaw that’s pretty slawsome. You’ve got some mixed greens, avocado mayo and cheddar cheese, with some smoked chili sauce on the side for an extra kick. It’s like a first-line powerplay goal in the Flavourtown Cup Playoffs, bro!

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And these ain’t no tiny little 10-dollar tacos either, Curtis Broseph! You almost need to keep both hands on the stick to throw this one roof-daddy! They might be a little too heavy on the slaw, though. I might wanna get that on the side next time…

I just got a great deal on gyros, bro!

Now, I don’t always eat at food courts, but when I do, I like to funk it up. And Village on the Grange is probably the funkiest food court in the city–this side of the Urban Eatery! You won’t find any chains here bro, except for Mickey D’s. On the other hand, you’ve got vegan, you’ve got Korean, you’ve got sushi and dim sum and pho, oh my!

Oh, and there’s also this family-run Greek joint called Souvlaki House that’s been there for a million years…and they probably haven’t even raised their prices during that time. Cuz you can get a whole plate of food for just fo’ fiddy–and we’re talkin’ meatballs, we’re talkin’ moussaka, and my personal Greek favourite, gyros:

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Nobody really knows what animal gyros come from, but one thing’s for sure, they’re magically delicious! These zesty meat strips go great with tzatziki, and then you’ve got some potatoes, and your choice of side salad. (I went with the coleslaw, which was maybe a mistake.) All that and a can of Arizona will only set ya back about seven bucks…after HST, bro! That’s like a Giannis Antetokounmpo throwdown in Flavourtown!!!!

Real-deal poutine from a food truck, bro!

Today might be the last day of food truck weather in Toronto this year. It’s been warm and sunny for the past few, but the temperature’s gonna drop, it’s supposed to rain, and I’m not sure how long I wanna be waiting outside for poutine in the cold (although I have done it before, bro). So it’s high time to hit up a local institution for maybe the last time in 2017, son!

Now, this place doesn’t even have a name, but it’s been setting up shop outside Nathan Phillips Square for the past 20+ years. There are actually two food trucks that usually park side-by-side…you’ll know this one by the big sign for “monster” chili fries. But why have chili fries when you can have poutine, bro???

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Now, I know you’re thinking how could poutine from a food truck possibly be legit? So, let’s break it down. The fries are hot ‘n crispy, the curds are chunkalicious, and the sauce is on point. So many places put beef gravy on poutine, but if this ain’t d’la vraie sauce en canne, then it’s pretty damn close. And it’s only $6.50 for a large–you won’t get that kinda deal at Smoke’s, son! Of course, in this case, you gotta BYOM: Bring Your Own Meat, bro!

If Winnipeg was a beer, this is the kind of beer it would be…

So, with the NHL season getting underway this week, I was looking for a beer to drink when the Flames played the Jets. Since they returned to Winnipeg a few years back, I have not found an appropriate alcohol to associate with this franchise…until I was browsing the craft beer section of my local LCBO last week, and I came across this British brew:

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I mean, how perfect is this? It’s got the team colours, a picture of a fighter jet on the can–and it also happens to share its name with the Winnipeg football team. (And to think, all this time I’d been drinking Labatt Blue!)

This full bodied amber ale has a similar taste and mouthfeel to Rickard’s Red, but at just 4.4%, I could shotgun a boatload of these babies without getting jet-faced. Cuz hey, when the Flames blitzkrieg Winnipeg 6-3, you know I’ll be cracking a few ice-cold brews, bro!!!!

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All-you-can-eat Chinese food? Don’t mind if I do!

Now, you mighta seen the ads for Mandarin on TV, but if you want a real-deal Chinese feast, you gotta head east to Dragon Pearl Buffet, bro! This oriental palace is up by York Mills and Leslie, which is a little outta the way for me, but if there’s all-you-can-eat anything, you know I’m there with flip-flops on! And I didn’t hafta sell my bling-bling at a pawn shop to eat here, either–all this delicious grub will only set ya back 30 bucks after tax! That’s like a five-finger in discount in Flavourtown–or should we say five-plate discount, bro? OK, let’s break it down:

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Our first trip around the sun has me scarfing down some squid, BBQ ribs, dumplings, chicken balls, deep-fried chicken wings, spring rolls, siu mai and some wish buns…which is when you have a steamed bun, and you wish you had some meat in it, son!

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This nutritionally balanced breakfast features two kinds of noodles, a double dose of deep-fried shrimp, Chickity China the Chinese chicken, pineapple-glazed ribs…and I think I mighta buried some beef in there, too!

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For Round 3, we’re throwing down black bean mussels, two kinds of sushi, grilled salmon, sweet ‘n sour chicken, lemon chicken without the sauce (I dun goofed, bro!) and some Peking duck, which I totally turned into a taco:

peking_duck_taco (2)We’re taking this one down to Flavourtown Chinatown, bro!!!!

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Was I getting pretty full at this point? Yeah, a little bit. But YOU KNOW I’ve always got room for prime rib, bro!!!! This fresh-carved beef bomb was a little on the well-done side of medium, but it still goes great with some mashed potatoes, gravy and mini Yorkshire puddings, mate!

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And there’s no way I can slay a buffet without saving room for dessert! This fully loaded sundae is equal parts chocolate and strawberry, with chocolate sprinkles, rainbow sprinkles AND marshmallows! And I probably wouldda had more, too, if they’d given me a bigger bowl….

Subway’s new rotisserie-style chicken actually tastes like chicken!!!!!

I pretty much stopped going to Subway after a CBC study found that half of their grilled chicken wasn’t actually chicken. Don’t get me wrong, I still enjoy a steak ‘n cheese sammy sometimes…but y’know, I want my steak to be actual steak and my cheese to be actual cheese, bro!

Anyhoo, I had pretty much sworn off all Subway chicken-related products (except for #CrispyChickenCheatDay)…until I heard about their new Subway Grilled Wraps, what with their “rotisserie style” chicken. Cuz hey, even rotisserie-style soy probably tastes pretty good. But then a funny thing happened on the way to the Flavourtown Forum–this chicken’s actually legit!

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This here’s the Chicken Caesar Wrap, and it’s got me singing Hail Caesar like pre-Axl Rose AC/DC, bro! The chicken’s thick, juicy and actually tastes good…unlike their old “chicken,” which tasted like a mixture of vinegar powder, corn starch and tapioca. You’ve got bacon strips, some creamy caesar dressing, lettuce, tomato and…green peppers. Who puts green peppers in a Caesar salad, son?????

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