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Guy Fieri only wishes he had my hair.

TORONTO’S TOP TAKEOUT: Italian flag pizza from Eataly

Now, I never got the chance to check out Eataly Toronto when it opened late last year — they always had some crazy lineups, bro! I guess the grocery store’s still open…but who needs groceries when you can have pizza? And at this place, they’re serving up not one, but two kinds of authentic Italian pizza: Roman AND Neapolitan!

Now, it’s hard to pick a favourite among so many great pies, but since I can really only eat one pizza at time, I had to go for the one that’s like three pizzas in one — this is the Tricolore:

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This rectangular pie was made to look like the Italian flag — with rows of red, white and green. Now, I’m not gonna get all three flavours in one bite, so I gotta make like Dexter Holland and keep ’em separated!

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So, we’re starting off with the green side, which has mozzarella and pecorino topped with a basil pesto. Dude, this crust is crunchy on the outside, chewy on the inside, and this cheesy combo is TheBomb.it — then the tangy pesto really kicks it up a notch!

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The white slice in the middle also doubles down on cheesy goodness with Goronzola flor di latte and grana padano. While this is still, like, 10 times better than Pizza Pizza, I actually liked the cheesiness of the basil slice a bit more…

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Now, we’re saving the most legit for last with a classic slice of Margherita: tomato sauce, Buffalo mozzarella and one lonely leaf of basil. Now, while the foil-lined pizza box kept the pizza at a decent temp (delivery took about 30 min), it was getting a little cold at this point. But that sauce was super-legit, cheese was pretty tasty, and the crust was on point. Even after scarfing down that whole pie in less than 15 minutes, I would totally order another Marg pizza — I’d just hafta keep it warm in the oven, or something…

TORONTO’S TOP TAKEOUT: Who needs butter chicken when you’ve got butter lamb?

Now, I loves me a good AYCE Indian buffet — but something tells me we won’t be seeing any buffets anytime soon. So, to satisfy my craving for Indian food, I came across this funky joint on Parliament called Butter Chicken Factory. This place was named Best Butter Chicken in Toronto by both BlogTO and Toronto.com in 2016, so you know if there’s one thing I gotta order, it’s gonna be…butter lamb. Wait, what???

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Now, if there’s one thing I love even more than AYCE buffet, it’s gotta be lamb. I have scarfed down so many lamb dishes right here on Triple B, bro! I’ve even had Indian-style lamb before…but until now, I didn’t even know that butter lamb was a thing. But for just one dollar more than the butter chicken, you KNOW I had to check it out!!!

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OK, so I actually made a plate of rice, rather than ordering it from the Factory. I mean, why would I pay for rice when I’ve got more than enough to eat at home? Dude, I like butter chicken and all, but swapping the chicken for lamb really kicks it up a notch. You’ve got a nice, creamy, buttery tomato sauce, and then the added richness of the lamb just makes it taste that much better!

Man, that sauce is so good, I’d eat it off a face mask! And I gotta say, the sauce-to-meat ratio here was about 3-to-1. I mean, I still got about a dozen pieces of lamb — but there was so much sauce, it was spilling off the side of the plate! Good thing I’ve got a buncha bread to soak it up, though…

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Maaan, this garlic naan is like a culinary lifesaver in Flavourtown! This chewy bread temple tastes good on its own, even better with the sauce, or you can do how they do in India — just rip it and grip it, bro!!!!!!

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TORONTO’S TOP TAKEOUT: It’s a burger made outta lobster, bro!!!!

I know yesterday was National Burger Day — I had like 75 people tag me on Instagram, bro! But for me every day is Burger Day, and that’s why we’re celebrating Friday with a lobster burger from Lobster Burger Bar, this funky joint on King St West. Now, I’ve had some massive lobster rolls before, and even a burger with lobster on top, but a burger made outta lobster? This I gotta see!

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They call this the Halifax Lobster Burger, and it’s waaaay better than those nachos at the Scotiabank Centre, son! You’ve got a five-ounce Atlantic lobster patty, with mozza and white cheddar baked right in, plus lettuce, tomato and a whole lotta mayo. And of course, I paid 3 bucks extra to add bacon — dude, the Number One Rule of Flavourtown is Always Add Bacon!!!!

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Now, when it comes to sides, I couldda gone with fries, or maybe some sweet potato spuds. But when I saw the poutine, you KNOW I had to try it. I was a little disappointed to see the skinny little matchstick fries, but you know what? Even though the curds were kinda melty by the time I dug in, they still had that squeak, and the gravy was the closest thing I’ve had to proper sauce en canne in a while. On the scale of one to redonkuluous, it’s no Poutine Mountain, but for a side dish at a seafood joint, this poutine’s pretty legit!!!

TORONTO’S TOP TAKEOUT: You ululate, I ululate, we all ululate for Halal Guys!!!

In case you didn’t know, The Halal Guys made a name for themselves as one of the most popular food trucks in New York City, before branching out all over the world. They’ve had one in Toronto for a couple years now, right around Yonge and Wellesley, but I never got the chance to check it out…until now!

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At this place, their menu is nice and simple — you can order chicken, gyros or falafel, either on a pita or in a platter. Now you KNOW I went with both kinds of meat, bro — chicken AND gyros!!!

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OK, now let’s break it down. The meat is clearly carved off a spit shawarma-style, and then piled on top of a whole lotta veggies, like carrots, lettuce, tomato, onions, jalapenos and green peppers. You get a nice kick from the hot sauce and the garlicky white sauce — man, I only used one packet of white sauce, and I got it all over everything!!!

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Now, the trick with this dish is to layer the meat so that you’re not just left with a big pile of lettuce and carrots at the end. But man, when you smother it in white sauce, even lettuce and carrots taste pretty gangster! And did I mention I’ve still got a whole ‘nother packet? Man, I’m gonna spread some white sauce on everything I eat now — that sauce is the boss, hoss!!!!

TORONTO’S TOP TAKEOUT: Softshell crab sammy + sticky chicky wings

Now, you really can find just about any kind of food in this city — even with all the restaurants shut down for dine-in. So tonight, I was craving Vietnamese bar food — I’m talking real-deal banh mi, maybe with some sticky Asian wings, and a nice IPA to wash it all down? Yes, there is a place for that, just north of College St in Little Italy… this is Pinky’s Ca Phe!

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Now, you gotta love the old-school takeout boxes and sandwich bags — that tells me this joint is legit! These sticky wings are glazed in a garlic fish sauce, with some fried garlic for that extra vampire-killing goodness. Only spice here comes from the garnish, with pickled chilies and fresh holla-atcha-penos — I definitely needed a cold beer to beat that heat!

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Now, at this joint they’re taking your traditional banh mi — a great, chewy baguette, with pickled carrots, daikon and cilantro — and then they’re adding an extra-special ingredient: deep-fried, crunchalious, soft-shell crab! Man, you do not see that crustacean very often this far north of Baltimore… and that smoked oyster donkey sauce and chili jam really kick it up a notch!!!!

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Now, this place isn’t just serving up some righteous bar food — they’re also delivering real-deal beers, done dirt cheap! This $6 tallboy hazy session IPA is a collaboration between Henderson Brewing and the Society of Beer Drinking Ladies; nice and hoppy, with a citrusy, grapefruit finish. And, at just 4% it sure is sessionable — I could crush, like, 17 of these, son!!!!

TORONTO’S TOP TAKEOUT: We’re taking poutine to the extreme!!!

Now, if there’s one food group I could eat for breakfast, lunch and dinner, it’s gotta be poutine. And there’s no shortage of funky poutineries all over this city — even during lockdown, bro! Like Poutine Mountain, this pop-up kitchen in the 6ix Food Hall, that’s serving up poutine so outta bounds, they gotta dare you to eat it:

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This I Dare You poutine is like a 2 a.m. drunk dial in Flavourtown, bro! You’ve got french fries, mozza cheese, mozza sticks, a piece of fried chicken, and then a buncha pepperonis at the bottom. The menu said there were chicken tenders, but I actually think the pepperoni works better, cuz it lets me do this:

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Now, I gotta say right off the bat that there are no cheese curds in this poutine, which is kinda like a cardinal sin in Flavourtown. But when you get some fries, some gravy, a bit of cheese, half a mozza stick and then a pepperoni on top, that’s pretty much the perfect bite, bro!!!!

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Now, on the other hand, the fried chicken was a bit of a miss with this dish. I’m not used to eating fried chicken with a fork, so pulling pieces of chicken off to stack on top of the FCG — fries, cheese ‘n gravy — did not go so well. But hey, while none of the ingredients were perfect, or even very good, when you put ’em all together, it’s pretty much what the doctor ordered after back-to-back-to-back virtual happy hours, bro-rantine king!!!!

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TORONTO’S TOP TAKEOUT: Hot dog for breakfast? Don’t mind if I do…

Y’know, if there’s one thing I’ve been missing the most during The Great Restaurant Shutdown of 2020, it’s brunch. I mean, I’ve ordered everything from mac ‘n cheese to Pekin duck to go, but I didn’t see any places doing brunch deliveries…not until I came across Ramona’s Kitchen, this funky little joint inside the Annex Food Hall, that’s serving up all three meals of the day — with a special brunch menu on weekends.

Now, we’re not just talking French toast and eggs benny, bro — this place is offering all kinds of funkaliciousness, like a green egg omelette, schnitzel benedict and this sausage party in Flavourtown, the Morning Frankfurter:

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Now, this has gotta be one of the most off-the-hook hot dogs I’ve ever had. You’ve got a thick, all-beef wiener, topped with scrambled eggs, holy guacamole, cheddar cheese slices, cherry tomatoes and some great big strips of bacon, all swimming in a spicy donkey sauce. This dog was super messy, but you know what I say — if it ain’t messy, it ain’t tasty!!!

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Now, I don’t wanna sleep on the fries, either. These fresh-cut taters tasted just like something you’d get from a chip truck, and they were still hot and crispy when I started shoveling them down my piehole, cuz the streets were so quiet on Sunday morning that my order was barely 20 minutes from start to finish, making it the fastest delivery since this whole shutdown started!!!

Man, I know there are so many other funky joints offering takeout and delivery all over this city…but I might hafta order from here again, maybe even before restaurants reopen. That chicken schnitzel benny sounds soooo outta bounds, bro!!!!

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