San Diego style burrito in Miami, bro!!!

Now, I haven’t actually been to San Diego — the only surfing I do is when there’s five football games on TV, bro! But we’re hanging out in Miami, and I hear there’s this funky little taco chain from SoCal that’s made its way out east, and they’re serving up burritos California-style — with fries on the inside — so you KNOW I gotta check it out. This is the California burrito at The Taco Stand, homes!

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OK, now let’s break it down. You’ve got flame-grilled carne asada steak, french-fried potaters, some fresh guac, pico de gallo and just a bit of cheese in there somewhere. This burrito’s about as big as a baby’s leg, and it’s only 8 bucks–whaaa????

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But you know what I say, the only thing that beats carne asada…is more carne asada!!! These carne asada fries come fully loaded with guacamole, sour cream and cheese sauce–but you know it’s all about that beef, bro!!!

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To get real-deal Cuban food in Miami…you gotta go to Las Vegas!

Now, one of the best things about living in Toronto is that you can pretty much pick any country on a map, and you’ll find at least one real-deal, authentic joint somewhere in this city that’s dishing out some of their righteous grub. (This doesn’t really work if you’ve got a fever for some Finnish food though, bro!) But when it comes to Cuban, you’ll be lucky to find much more than a copycat Cuban sandwich anywhere up here. So we’re heading down to the most Cuban city that doesn’t have socialized healthcare — welcome to Miami, Big Willie Style!!! — right here, right now on Triple B!

OK, this city has got an entire neighbourhood called Little Havana, so you know it’s gotta be good–but we’re all about finding these too-legit-to-quit establishments a little farther off the beaten path…so we’re hanging out at Las Vegas Cuban Cuisine, this friendly neighbourhood joint inside a strip mall up in Pembroke Pines. Man, this place has got everything: yuca frita, papa rellena, pan con lechon, tostones, medianoches and a takeout lineup longer than the line for the men’s room at a Justin Bieber concert, bro!

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So, we’re starting off with some real-deal, Cuban-style empanadas. These empanadas are so good you’ll wanna smack your mama, cabron! They’ve got chicken, they’ve got pork, they’ve got beef… but we’re definitely going with beef, cuz we gotta save room for some pulled pork tamales!

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Dude, this pork is unctious-alla-dunktious, bro! The flavours are amazing, it’s super-tender, and goes great with the masa dough. Dude, this is body by masa dough, bro!!!

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Aaaaand now it’s time for the main event, some real-deal ropa vieja. Normally, if I’m chowing down on some old clothes, it’s because the Camaro stalled out somewhere on Route 66 and my celly is all outta juice from streaming too many Smash Mouth tunes. But when it comes to this Cuban stewed beef delicacy, man, I could eat this morning, noon and night! You’ve got some white rice, black beef and a few peppers mixed in with the beef, but the plantains are what makes it:

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Now, here I thought that deep-fried plantains were only for dessert…but I was so, so wrong. You’ve got the hot, the sticky and the sweet, all mixed in with the meat. Pour some sugar on me, cuz I’m about to slide this dish down a stripper pole right into my piehole, bro!!!!

The not-so-good kind of chicken fingers @ Tim Hortons

Y’know, I can’t always be rollin’ out, looking for Canada’s greatest burgers, bacon and beers all the time. Some days, I just wanna get drunk and eat chicken fingers. But there ain’t too many places where you can get chicken strips to go — sure, there’s maybe KFC, but why order chicken fingers when you can do a Double Down, dude??? So when I heard that Tim Hortons was servin’ up chicken strips, I figured I’d pick some up on the way back from The Beer Store:

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Now, these bad boys only come two to an order, and it’s like $4.50, but that also comes with dipping sauce. I went with chipotle and ranch — dude, Chipotle Ranch is the name of my weekend getaway! But man, nine bucks for four chicken fingers is kinda lame…especially when the good kind are eight bucks:

 

 

This vegan Big Mac pizza tastes like it’s missing something…

Now, it’s pretty safe to say that Triple B isn’t that big on vegan food. After all, two of the three B’s are quite meaty. But y’know, a little while back, we were hanging out at FuBar, this cozy heavy metal dive with a vegan pizza place downstairs, and their vegan poutine pizza was pretty legit, so I figured I’d pop in to Apiecalypse Now for their slice of a fast-food burger classic.

They call this the Fat Mac, and it’s got a lot going on here. First of all, the shredded dill pickle, diced lettuce and their vegan fat mac sauce capture the taste of Mickey D’s to a T. The crust is nice and crispy, and I don’t even mind the plant-based cheddar cheese. But as I’m shoving this down my piehole, I’ve only got one question: Where’s the beef, bro???

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Now, they don’t say what their “ground not beef” is made of, but it does not taste like beef–or like much of anything, really. These sad little overcooked crumbs of plant-based protein really don’t cut through the lettuce, the pickle, or even the cheese sauce…they’re just kinda flavourless. If you ordered a Big Mac without the burger, it might taste something like this.

Hey man, I’ll never turn my back on a bar that was playing my favourite Weedeater song when I first walked in…but next time I think I’ll go with their Slayer!!!1!!!11!! pie instead.

And yes, that is actually a thing…

I don’t always eat shit, but when I do… I prefer Poop Cafe!

Now, these funky little Asian dessert joints are popping up all over this city, whether it’s in Chinatown, Little Tokyo or right in the heart of Koreatown, like this joint, Poop Cafe. You know this place is the shit when their seats are made of toilets, bro!!!

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And lemme tell ya, you might wanna pop a squat after eating here! They’ve got all kinds of funky, outta-bounds desserts like milkshakes, waffles and this chocolately take on a Korean classic, Bing Poo:

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Dude, this toilet bowl is overflowing with shaved ice, almonds, brownie bites, and a great big scoop of Nutella gelato, with a shit-shaped hard candy on top. You might need a courtesy flush after finishing this one, especially when you wash it down with a Unicorn Hot Chocolate:

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Dude, this drink is the shiznit — and shiznit is good! You’ve got a toilet-shaped mug, with a swirl of chocolate and Fruit Loops stuck to the bowl. And then on top, you’ve got enough cotton candy to feed a family of four at a fun fair!!! Once you get past all that, then it’s right down to the chocolately, marshmallowy goodness:

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Now, I’d hate to be the guy who has to do this dishes here… But hey, it probably beats cleaning toilets?

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Tandoori chicken, stuffed with cheese @ Khau Gully

Now, it probably goes without saying that everything tastes better with cheese–that’s like the first rule of Flavourtown, bro! So, when I find out there’s this funky Indian joint on Yonge St, and they’ve got this cheesy take on tandoori chicken, you KNOW I’m all over that like Donkey Kong…if Donkey Kong ate chicken. This is Khau Gully‘s Nazakaat-E-Murg, heading straight down my piehole:

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OK, now let’s break it down. You’ve got a nice, tender chicken breast, marinated in tandoori spices, cooked in a clay pot oven and swimming in a sea of cheese. And then when you cut it open, there’s even more cheese inside:

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Dude, I didn’t even know that cheese-stuffed chicken could be considered Indian food, but lemme tell ya, I sooo wanna go to whatever part of India this dish is from, son!!!

Beer-braised baby back ribs @ Blake House

Now, sometimes the best ribs don’t always come from a real-deal BBQ joint. We’re hanging out at The Blake House, this funky little pub on Jarvis that’s been around since the ‘90s – the 1890’s, son! And while you can watch the Leafs on TV, they ain’t all about burgers and wings. Instead, you’ve got steaks, you’ve got meat pies, and you’ve got these babies – stout-braised baby back ribs!

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Oh man, these babies are super-tender, meat is perfectly moist. You get a nice BBQ sauce, not too saucy, and maybe a bit of richness from the beer coming through. You get a decent helping of fries and purple slaw, and it comes in a half rack or a full…but you KNOW a full rack is just a light snack in Flavourtown!!!

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