Now, I know what you’re thinking–you probably couldn’t pay me to eat a veggie burger, bro! But with all the vegans saying that the Beyond Meat burger was the best burger ever, and even some of my meatatarian compadres giving it the thumbs-up…I figured I’d at least give it the old Burger State University try.
And here’s the thing: this veggie burger actually tastes pretty good. This might be the best veggie burger I’ve ever had–but I can’t even remember the last time I had a veggie burger. While it’s nowhere near the pantheon of all-time greatest burgers, the patty is a lot like a beef burger you would get at A&W or at Harvey’s, which are both places I don’t go very often, but if you bought me a Beyond Meat burger from there, and didn’t tell me it was vegan, I would still scarf it down, son!
Of course, because I didn’t want to get toooo healthy, I ordered mine with a side of poutine. This gravy-soaked disasterpiece was…still better than McDonald’s, I guess?
Now, I don’t usually eat at Montana’s unless I’m eating all I can. I totally slayed some AYCE fajitas last year, but now it’s time for something even better. Can you say all you can eat ribs, bro???
Now, they’re definitely no Adamson Barbecue when it comes to ribs, but these pork bones are still pretty tasty. They’ve got a nice smoke ring on ’em, equal parts melt-in-your-mouth and stuck-in-your-teeth. Dude, I could polish off about 4-5 racks of these bad boys… Oh wait, I just did!
Truth be told, I probably couldda finished off a few more…but I didn’t wanna trouble ’em for another bucket.
I guess it was just a matter of time. I mean, what could be more Canadian than the most Canadian chain serving up the most Canadian dish? Coming in hot on the heels of such culinary creations as the crispy chicken sandwich, chili cheese wedges and churro doughnut, Tim Hortons is now serving poutine. Of course they are.
Their poutines come in regular, bacon and chili–which sounds like something some broseph puked up on King St at 3 am last Friday. But the bacon poutine was pretty decent. The curds are legit, the sauce is pretty solid…but these are the same freakin’ potato wedges that they use for their chili cheese fries, with the same weird herb seasoning. Dude, the only time herb should go with poutine is after October 17, Justin True Bro!!!!
Yesterday was Country Day at the Rogers Centre, which means I showed up bright and early…at 2 pm. You had a plaid-sleeved, long-sleeve Blue Jays t-shirt giveaway, my Alberta bros in High Valley bustin’ out some Alan Jackson and Joe Diffie tunes, and all the cheerleaders were dressed up like rootin’, tootin’ cowgirls. For a minute there, I almost forgot I was in Toronto!
Of course, I wasn’t just there to hoedown, bro! When I heard they were serving up some new culinary creations for the 2018 season, you KNOW I was gonna dive right in. And while the beef brisket sandwich and the Korean BBQ tacos sounded tasty, I knew there was only one Flavourtown rockstar headed straight down my piehole–the Log Cabin Sandwich:
This gay Republican’s wet dream comes fully loaded with pulled pork, baked beans and cheese curds on a savoury rosemary waffle. Now, the waffle was nice and fluffy, and the pulled pork was on point…but the beans had no flavour and the cheese curds were cold as ice, ice baby. There was no gravy or sauce on this sammy, but once the pulled pork warmed the cheese up a bit, it came together pretty good. So, I wouldn’t call this dish a home run, but it was more like a Teoscar Hernandez triple off the top of the wall, maybe?
Of course, after pounding all that pork, you KNOW I still had room for dessert, bro! Now, this churro poutine has about as much in common with actual poutine as Guy Fieri does with Guy Lafleur…but if you wanna slam six churros with a scoop of ice cream, you definitely can’t go wrong here!
Now, you KNOW I love chicken and waffles bro, and I’ve definitely scarfed down my share of KFC Double Downs back in the day, so when I heard KFC was combining these two things, I was all over that like a fat kid on a quadruple chicken, double waffle sandwich:
OK, so there’s no way I’m shoving this all down my piehole at once, even with my patented Guy Fieri hunch. But even when eaten separately, that’s more fried chicken than you can shake a fried sticken at!
OK, now let’s break it down. These puppies are made to order, so the chicken is super hot and crispy. The waffle is really legit–nice and fluffy–and then you’ve got this sweet, sticky maple aioli oozing out from the inside. I gotta say, this sandwich is pretty outta bounds, but what’s missing here is some bacon, bro! White Brick Kitchen knows what’s up!!!
But that’s not to say I’m NOT going to eat at least seven more of these. Dude, this is body by fried chicken and waffles!!!!!!
I didn’t even know you could get poutine at Swiss Chalet, but apparently that’s a thing now. And not just any ol’ poutine–they’ve got rotisserie beef poutine, taco poutine and chicken shawarma poutine. Now, you know I love shawarma, and this is body by poutine, bro…so I was gonna hafta try the chicken shawarma poutine, even if i didn’t really expect it to taste like either of those things.
First of all, it’s safe to say that Swiss Chalet is not roasting this dish on a big shawarma spit. This is basically the regular Swiss Chalet chicken–both white meat and dark meat–pulled off the bird, bro. They lay it out on a bed of Chalet fries with lettuce, tomato, some feta cheese and great big globs of garlic sauce. Dude, Great Big Globs of Garlic Sauce was my nickname as sous chef at Joey Tomatos, bro!!!
Now, while this isn’t quite as good as the chicken shawarma nachos I made a couple years back, it will totally still fill you up. Actually, the Chalet sauce kinda brings everything together. But what really gets me is the lemon pepper seasoning they put on the fries. There’s just a touch too much of it. And I don’t think lemon pepper belongs on poutine–or on shawarma, for that matter. Next time, I might go for the rotisserie beef poutine, instead…
Because I didn’t get enough tacos for Christmas, I headed back to Assembly Chef’s Hall, where they’ve got a funky little joint that’s hand rolling the corn tortillas and grilling up the beef, lamb and fish. At Los Colibris, these tacos go for about seven bucks a pop, but you can’t just expect me to eat one taco, bro!!!
Man, this lamb barbacoa is so far outta bounds, it ended up on the other side of the wall!!! It’s like what you get when you cross roast lamb with pulled pork–a total taste sensation! Pretty sure I could slam, like, seven of these…but then I wouldn’t be able to sample the other tasty taco offerings:
This beef alambre is giving me hambre, hombre! You’ve got the tender grilled beef, with bell peppers, onions, cilantro and salsa that’s practically baked into the shell. Man, this taco is totally messy, and you KNOW if it ain’t messy, it ain’t tasty, bro!!!!
This baja fish taco is about to swim straight down my piehole! You’ve got a crispy battered fish with a nice, crunchy slaw–and then I dumped a whole buncha chipotle sauce on top. Cuz I’m in love with chipotle, bro!!!