Y’know, I can’t always be rollin’ out, looking for Canada’s greatest burgers, bacon and beers all the time. Some days, I just wanna get drunk and eat chicken fingers. But there ain’t too many places where you can get chicken strips to go — sure, there’s maybe KFC, but why order chicken fingers when you can do a Double Down, dude??? So when I heard that Tim Hortons was servin’ up chicken strips, I figured I’d pick some up on the way back from The Beer Store:
Now, these bad boys only come two to an order, and it’s like $4.50, but that also comes with dipping sauce. I went with chipotle and ranch — dude, Chipotle Ranch is the name of my weekend getaway! But man, nine bucks for four chicken fingers is kinda lame…especially when the good kind are eight bucks:
Now, it’s pretty safe to say that Triple B isn’t that big on vegan food. After all, two of the three B’s are quite meaty. But y’know, a little while back, we were hanging out at FuBar, this cozy heavy metal dive with a vegan pizza place downstairs, and their vegan poutine pizza was pretty legit, so I figured I’d pop in to Apiecalypse Now for their slice of a fast-food burger classic.
They call this the Fat Mac, and it’s got a lot going on here. First of all, the shredded dill pickle, diced lettuce and their vegan fat mac sauce capture the taste of Mickey D’s to a T. The crust is nice and crispy, and I don’t even mind the plant-based cheddar cheese. But as I’m shoving this down my piehole, I’ve only got one question: Where’s the beef, bro???
Now, they don’t say what their “ground not beef” is made of, but it does not taste like beef–or like much of anything, really. These sad little overcooked crumbs of plant-based protein really don’t cut through the lettuce, the pickle, or even the cheese sauce…they’re just kinda flavourless. If you ordered a Big Mac without the burger, it might taste something like this.
Hey man, I’ll never turn my back on a bar that was playing my favourite Weedeater song when I first walked in…but next time I think I’ll go with their Slayer!!!1!!!11!! pie instead.
And yes, that is actually a thing…
Is it PSL season yet? No way, Jose! The NFL literally just had its hottest game in 15 years, so it definitely doesn’t feel like fall. And the last time I went to Starbucks, I actually bought me a beer. (That one didn’t work out in the long run, for some reason…) But when yer sweatin’ bullets off yer ballsack, good ol’ Tim Hortons has just the thing for you. Say hello to the Pumpkin Spice Iced Capp, bro!!!
Now, I know what you’re thinking–this just looks like a regular old iced capp. Well, that’s because my local Timmies was all out of whipped cream already at 10 am. Kinda makes you wonder what they were doing with all that whipped cream last night… Oh, and they didn’t have any of the pumpkin drizzle, either. Someone musta been all Brown Chicken Brown Cow up in this joint, broseph!
Anyways, you can totally taste the pumpkin in this. It pretty much takes like pumpkin pie in icicle form. And I lost count of how many brain freezes I got before I finished–I guess you’re not supposed to chug it through a funnel???
Now, I know what you’re thinking–you probably couldn’t pay me to eat a veggie burger, bro! But with all the vegans saying that the Beyond Meat burger was the best burger ever, and even some of my meatatarian compadres giving it the thumbs-up…I figured I’d at least give it the old Burger State University try.
And here’s the thing: this veggie burger actually tastes pretty good. This might be the best veggie burger I’ve ever had–but I can’t even remember the last time I had a veggie burger. While it’s nowhere near the pantheon of all-time greatest burgers, the patty is a lot like a beef burger you would get at A&W or at Harvey’s, which are both places I don’t go very often, but if you bought me a Beyond Meat burger from there, and didn’t tell me it was vegan, I would still scarf it down, son!
Of course, because I didn’t want to get toooo healthy, I ordered mine with a side of poutine. This gravy-soaked disasterpiece was…still better than McDonald’s, I guess?
Now, I don’t usually eat at Montana’s unless I’m eating all I can. I totally slayed some AYCE fajitas last year, but now it’s time for something even better. Can you say all you can eat ribs, bro???
Now, they’re definitely no Adamson Barbecue when it comes to ribs, but these pork bones are still pretty tasty. They’ve got a nice smoke ring on ’em, equal parts melt-in-your-mouth and stuck-in-your-teeth. Dude, I could polish off about 4-5 racks of these bad boys… Oh wait, I just did!
Truth be told, I probably couldda finished off a few more…but I didn’t wanna trouble ’em for another bucket.
I guess it was just a matter of time. I mean, what could be more Canadian than the most Canadian chain serving up the most Canadian dish? Coming in hot on the heels of such culinary creations as the crispy chicken sandwich, chili cheese wedges and churro doughnut, Tim Hortons is now serving poutine. Of course they are.
Their poutines come in regular, bacon and chili–which sounds like something some broseph puked up on King St at 3 am last Friday. But the bacon poutine was pretty decent. The curds are legit, the sauce is pretty solid…but these are the same freakin’ potato wedges that they use for their chili cheese fries, with the same weird herb seasoning. Dude, the only time herb should go with poutine is after October 17, Justin True Bro!!!!
Yesterday was Country Day at the Rogers Centre, which means I showed up bright and early…at 2 pm. You had a plaid-sleeved, long-sleeve Blue Jays t-shirt giveaway, my Alberta bros in High Valley bustin’ out some Alan Jackson and Joe Diffie tunes, and all the cheerleaders were dressed up like rootin’, tootin’ cowgirls. For a minute there, I almost forgot I was in Toronto!
Of course, I wasn’t just there to hoedown, bro! When I heard they were serving up some new culinary creations for the 2018 season, you KNOW I was gonna dive right in. And while the beef brisket sandwich and the Korean BBQ tacos sounded tasty, I knew there was only one Flavourtown rockstar headed straight down my piehole–the Log Cabin Sandwich:
This gay Republican’s wet dream comes fully loaded with pulled pork, baked beans and cheese curds on a savoury rosemary waffle. Now, the waffle was nice and fluffy, and the pulled pork was on point…but the beans had no flavour and the cheese curds were cold as ice, ice baby. There was no gravy or sauce on this sammy, but once the pulled pork warmed the cheese up a bit, it came together pretty good. So, I wouldn’t call this dish a home run, but it was more like a Teoscar Hernandez triple off the top of the wall, maybe?
Of course, after pounding all that pork, you KNOW I still had room for dessert, bro! Now, this churro poutine has about as much in common with actual poutine as Guy Fieri does with Guy Lafleur…but if you wanna slam six churros with a scoop of ice cream, you definitely can’t go wrong here!