Happy Mother’s Day from a jacked-up Colonel Sanders!

Have you ever fantasized about making sweet, sweet love to a bucket of the Colonel’s Original Recipe? OK, I guess that would be pretty weird. But Mother’s Day is actually KFC’s biggest selling day of the year, and this year, they’re setting hearts on fire with these Tender Wings of Desire:

Now, this has gotta be the hottest thing to come outta KFC since the Zinger Double Down, dude! OK, let’s break it down. Lady Madeline Parker runs away from her douchebag hubby, who doesn’t even lift, bro! She finds herself swept into the 24-inch pythons of The Colonel, a handsome sailor with a mysterious past, and must choose between the tenderness of Original Recipe and the fiery passion of Extra Crispy. It’s a king-sized calamity in Flavourtown!

This book comes free with a $20 Fill Up, but if for some reason, you don’t want to scarf down 17 pieces of finger-lickin’ fried chicken, you can also order it on Amazon.

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Italian beef at the airport, bro!!!!

Now, I’ve never actually been to Chicago, unless you count the times I had a connecting flight at O’Hare. So I was on my way back from Phoenix last month, when my United flight got delayed right around dinnertime. Now, they don’t have a ton of eating options in Terminal C, but when I saw the Billy Goat Tavern in the food court, I was all over that like John Belushi on a cheeseburger, Bro-son burner! But I wasn’t about to order a burger without Dan Aykroyd behind the counter, so instead I went for this Sweet Home Chicago classic, Italian beef:

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This slammin’ sammy was downright delicious, dude! You had thinly sliced roast beef, served on a hoagie roll dipped in its own sauce, then loaded up with carrots, celery and holla-atcha-peno peppers! It’s like a festival of funkaliciousness heading straight down my piehole! And I washed it all down with an Old Style lager, which is kinda like Molson Canadian, except it’s American. It pretty much tastes the same, though, bro!!!!

It’s a Cinco de Mayo miracle!!!

Now, Cinco de Mayo might be a celebration of the Mexican Army‘s unlikely victory over French forces at the Battle of Puebla on May 5, 1862…but for me, it’s all about the food! And today, for one day only, not uno but dos burrito chains are serving up everything on the menu for just five bucks, so you know I’m all over that like brown on rice–cuz only a gringo loco puts white rice in a burrito, bro!!!!

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La fiesta empieza at Z’Teca, where they’re serving up beef barbacoa with corn, beans, rice, salsa and sour cream. The beef has a nice bite to it, and a good chewy texture, but as you can see, it’s hidden by a buncha other ingredients. Still $7.50 for all this and a drink is a pretty sweet deal, dudeski!

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But you know the party don’t stop there, son! Mucho Burrito also has a five-dollar dealo, where you can get anything on the menu in small or regular for cinco dineros (‘cept they’re all outta shrimp at the Eaton Centre). And you get a bit more bang for your buck, with a bigger tortilla, and the optional addition of cilantro and jalapeno. Dude, this is body by cilantro and jalapeno, bro!!!! The only bummer is that they make you buy a bottled drink to get the discount, so this ended up costing me nine bucks instead of only seven. But it’s all good, cuz I just saved a ton of money by switching my car insurance to Geico! 😉

FINAL FOUR FOOD: Double cheeseburger, chili cheese fries…and a Diet Coke

I told you Gonzaga was going all the way, bro!!! Well, OK, they lost to Carolina in the NCAA Final, so I probably owe Eric Church a cold one or two. But as soon as the Zags punched their ticket to Phoenix for the Final Four, so did the Triple B Crew. And you know we’re not (just) loading up on carbs before the game, dude! So, over the next few days, we’re rolling out the Final Four of funky fresh Phoenician eateries…can you smell what the desert is cookin’?

So, after watching the Zags beat the Cocks in an epic game on Saturday, I went to grab some grub, bro. But there were so many people on the concourse, that I could only go as far as the closest concession stand–the Gridiron Grill.

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By this point I hadn’t eaten anything since airport food at 8 am, so you know I went BIG. Why have a burger when you can get a double cheeseburger, bro? And why settle for fries when chilli cheese fries are on the menu? Of course, I washed it all down with an extra large Diet Coke, cuz I’m counting my calories…still counting…OK, so maybe I can’t count that high.

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OK, let’s break it down. The burger patties are nice and meaty, although they’re well beyond medium well. The pickles add some freshness, and the cheese is as processed as a clinical procedure. The fries are thick ‘n crispy, but when you pour concession stand chilli on em and put concession stand cheese on top, this dish is a hot mess and a half, dudeson!!!

We’re chowing down on Subway’s crispy “chicken” sandwich!

Man, when I heard that Subway’s chicken was only 53.6 per cent actual chicken, I never wanted to eat there again. Especially since the main ingredient in their “chicken” was soy. Dude, I wouldn’t eat a soy sandwich if it was covered in deep-fried jalapenos and smothered in smoky barbecue sauce, son! But then I heard that Subway was serving up a crispy chicken sandwich, so you know I had to try it—this is body by crispy chicken, bro!

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OK, now let’s break it down. You’ve got a tasty mixture of rib meat and water, a nice kick from the corn syrup, some tangy vinegar powder, corn starch and tapioca. Just a bit of sweetness from the brown sugar, a touch of salt, dextrose, garlic powder and onion powder. And then there’s the chicken-type flavour, made from corn gluten, yeast extract and preservatives. Dude, I would eat that stuff off a flip-flop!

At the end of the day, this basically tastes more or less the same as the crispy chicken sandwich Mr. Sub’s been serving up for years…except that Mr. Sub has slightly better bread. Oh, and mushrooms. Mushrooms are TheBomb.ca, bro!!!!

 

 

This must be the unhealthiest meal in Tim Hortons history!

Now, I don’t normally eat at Tim Hortons, dude. If I want a soup and a sandwich…I just go to Panera Bread, bro! But lately, Timmy Ho’s has a whole new menu, and they’re serving up some real-deal comfort food that’s both delicious and unnutritious! So here’s the move—Crispy Chicken Sandwich, served club style with cheese and bacon, a side of Loaded Potato Wedges and a new Churro Donut for dessert!

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Now, I gotta say, this chicken burger is better than anything I’ve had at McDonald’s or Wendy’s lately. The chicken is super crispy, the bun is nice and soft, the bacon is not too chewy…and they actually use real cheddar cheese, bro! I don’t think Mickey D’s has ever done that, dude!

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Now, Timmy’s apparently pissed some people off by giving away 4 million potato wedges instead of coffee in Roll Up the Rim—but who needs coffee when you can have potato, bro!? These fully loaded wedges come with chili and cheese on top—and this is body by chili and cheese, son! The chili actually absorbs nicely into the potato, but I think if they used some of that real cheddar cheese instead of this stringy white stuff, it would kick this dish up a notch, knowwhatImsayin?

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Now, I gotta be honest, after consuming over 770 calories already, I almost didn’t have room for dessert. But you know I can’t say no to churros, bro! This looks kinda like a honey cruller, but they put a whole buncha powdered sugar on top, and then there’s caramel on the inside!!!??? Shut the back door!

Now, Timmy’s hasn’t put the loaded wedges or the churro donut up on its nutrition site yet, but if I add the unloaded wedges and a honey cruller to the crispy chicken club, I’m eating 1050 calories…so this was probably a few more. I might only need three fried chickens and a Coke for dinner instead of four!!!

What to do when you can’t decide between rotisserie chicken and fried chicken

So, we’re hanging out at The Chickery, this funky little chicken shack just baby steps from the Sick Kids Hospital. Now, this place has got both kinds of chicken: rotisserie and fried, and sometimes, you just can’t choose. That’s why they give it to you both ways with this delicious dish, The Chickery Sampler:

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OK, let’s break it down. What you’ve got here are two buttermilk chicken fingers, a chicken feather, mac ‘n cheese, kale caesar salad, buttermilk ranch sauce…and beneath all of that madness, a quarter-chicken white. That’s a whole lotta food, dude! Now, I know what you’re thinking–what the cluck is a chicken feather? It’s this thing, right here:

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Now, while the chicken fingers were plump and juicy, the feather is a whole different bird, bro. This chicken strip is super-thin and extra crispy, with a salty sprinkling of Parmesan. Still goes great with the buttermilk ranch sauce, though!

And I gotta say, the sides were pretty legit. The kale caesar salad was so crisp and tasty, you wouldn’t even know there was kale mixed in with the romaine. And hey, that’s the way I like to eat kale–blended in so well you don’t even know it’s there. The mac ‘n cheese had a nice crispy breadcrumb coating, but it couldn’t decide whether it was supposed to be a hot or a cold dish, and came out a little lukewarm. I think next time I might try a different side, like some cornbread or the smashed garlic potater

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But of course, we haven’t even gotten to the best part yet. This rotisserie chicken is like sweet dreams on Elm St. The bird was so moist and juicy, it’s making my mouth water just looking at the picture! And while the seasoning was similar to Swiss Chalet, they don’t usually serve ’em up this fresh, bro!

Man, this place is like the best of both worlds. It takes KFC and Swiss Chalet out back, slaughters em, and serves ’em up with a side caesar salad, son!!!!!!