Fast Food Confidential

Gonna take it right into the danger zone with Top Gun Burgers!!!!

Man, I don’t think I’ve even ordered Uber Eats ever since I had to spend time in “self-isolation” after my trip to Iceland (cuz that was still a thing back in January). But I can’t be rollin’ out all over this city, looking for Toronto’s greatest burgers, bacon and beer every night. Sometimes, I just wanna stay in and watch Top Gun for the 100,000th time. You KNOW I feel the need for speed, bro!!!!

And hey, if I’m gonna watch my second-favourite Scientologist (John Travolta FTW!) fly fighter planes, then there’s only one place I’m ordering takeout from, and that’s Top Gun Burgers, this funky little joint in Kensington Market. Not all of their sammies are named after characters from the movie — but a few of ’em certainly are. I guess you can’t copyright the word Goose, eh? 😉

Now, I haven’t even seen Top Gun: Maverick yet, but it can’t be as good as the original, right? And when it comes to Top Gun Burgers, this OG is baller like Anunoby, bro! Maverick is a beefy double cheeseburger that’s almost as big as Tom Cruise in real life. You’ve got lettuce, tomatoes, pickles, mushrooms, a fried egg, and all sorts of donkey sauce oozing all over the place. Clean up in Aisle Flavourtown, bro!!!!

Goose is actually a chicken burger, which kinda makes sense. I mean, you’re not gonna find foie gras at a fast food burger joint (unless it’s Holy Chuck), so chicken is about as close as it gets. Now, this ain’t yer average chicken burger, either. Instead of one chicken patty, you’ve got four chicken strips. And yes, it’s about as messy as you might imagine, cuz it’s kinda hard to keep four separate pieces of chicken between two buns. But that chicken is tender, juicy, and just a little peppery… Show me the way home, honey!!!!

And last but not least, it’s Iceman, a Philly cheesesteak sandwich smothered in queso and donkey sauce. You’ve actually got a few unusual veggies here besides onions and peppers — lettuce, tomato and pickles — but the main ingredients are definitely cheese and beef. On that note, the steak is not thinly sliced, it’s cubed, which gives it a little more chew. And that cheese sauce is soooo outta bounds, bro! You can be my wingman any time!!!!

And yes, I did crush all three sandos by myself, bro. I don’t even feel uncomfortably full, but you can bet that in a couple hours, I’m gonna feel the need for something else. Let’s just say it’s time to buzz the porcelain tower… 😛

It’s a pizza… It’s a calzone… It’s Batman, bro!!!!

Now, I dunno if I even wanna see Rob Pattinson in the new Batman movie — especially after Christian Bale absolutely killed it and grilled it in that role, son! (At least he can’t be any worse than Ben Affleck, right?) But when I heard that Little Caesars was putting out a new, limited-edition Batman Calzony in honour of the movie, you KNOW I had to buy a ticket for that one, bro!!!!

I didn’t even think I had a Little Caesars anywhere near me, but it turns out there’s one at Coxwell and Gerrard — which isn’t super-close, but only about a 15 minute drive if you order from Skip the Dishes. (Uber probably wouldda sent a bicycle delivery guy, and had him make 3 other stops along the way…) So while this Calzony wasn’t quite Hot-n-Ready when it got here, it was still warm enough to make for some good eatin’.

Now, one thing that makes this different from your typical delivery pizza is that the slices are are square, or at least vaguely rectangular, in order to make the shape of the Batman logo. Otherwise, this is decent pizza, with a good, chewy crust and pretty good pepperoni distribution.

The calzone section is pretty basic. It’s just stuffed with cheese, with a few pieces of pepperoni thrown in. And I think that might be Crazy Bread — although I haven’t had Crazy Bread since Batman Forever, bro! It also came with a tub of marinara, but unlike the pizza, the dipping sauce was as cold as Mr. Freeze, son!!!!

Still, that didn’t stop me from destroying this whole thing in one sitting. Holy Acid Reflux, Batman!!!!!!!!

EATING LAS VEGAS: Losing my In-n-Out virginity with a 4×4 burger!

In-n-Out Burger might be one of the most iconic burger joints in America…but we still don’t have any of them anywhere close to Canada, so when I found out there was one just off the Vegas strip, about a 15-minute walk from my hotel, you KNOW I had to check it out, bro!

And here on Triple B, we’re all about go big or go home. So while the Double Double might be the most popular item on the menu, I’m doubling down on that with a 4×4, son!!!!

Now, when I ordered the burger, they told me it comes with 4 slices of cheese, and asked if that was OK. We’re not big on substitutions here on Triple B, so I just went with it. But it turns out that’s a LOT of cheese — even with the burger paper soaking up some of it, there was still all kinds of cheese oozing off this bad boy!

Oh, and I also ordered it Animal Style, cuz that’s the way to do it, apparently. I can’t say I noticed that there was mustard grilled into the meat, but the pickles, grilled onions and extra spread made things super messy — it almost needed an actual diaper instead of just a burger diaper, bro!!!

On the other hand, I’m not so sure that Animal Style goes great on fries. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve eaten some ridiculously overloaded fries in my day…but there was just so much of that signature sauce on here, and it doesn’t taste as good on cheese fries as it does on a burger IMO.

Now my biggest surprise was how small this thing actually was — it easily fit into my mouth without too much smooshing — and it was pretty filling, but not uncomfortably so. The second biggest surprise was the price… Dude, a Quad Quad will only set ya back $7.55 and this whole meal, with Animal Fries and a drink was less than 15 dollars. You’re not getting a deal like that anywhere on the Strip, son!!!!

KFC is bringing back the Double Down in Canada for a limited time…so I ate 3 of them at once.

The KFC Double Down is one of the greatest culinary creations known to man. I mean, it’s got bacon, fried chicken, cheese…three of the essential food groups in Flavourtown!!! And there’s no bun, so it’s even low-carb, son! Now, when I found out it was back in Canada — but only until November 7 — I had to make sure to get my fill while the gettin’ was good. Why only Double Down when you can Sextuple Down, bro???

Now, let’s just say I could not fit all that chicken, cheese and bacon in my mouth at the same time. In fact, this Leaning Tower of Terror can barely even stand on its own. So I had to eat ’em one by one…

Dude, this sandwich was even better than the last time I remembered, though! (I only ate two of them that time.) I mean, the chicken was so tender, it practically melted in my mouth — and that’s not something I usually say about KFC. To be fairrrr, the bacon couldda been a bit crispier, and the cheese distribution was a little uneven on a couple of them (this one was probably the best one)…but that didn’t stop me from slaying all three sandos, son!!!!!!!

LE BURGER WEEK: Vegan jicama fish burger. Whaa???

Now, as I mentioned off the top, there were only five restaurants near me serving up Le Burger Week deals on DoorDash — and one of them only does dessert. Now, since this other place didn’t confirm my order after like 10 minutes, I was left with just one other option… the vegan jicama fish filet from Parka Food Co.

Now, I don’t always eat vegan, but when I do, it’s usually something that’s meant to taste like meat — like the pulled jackfruit tacos at Planta. But man, while they’ve put together a pretty decent sandwich here, with tartar sauce, dill pickles, coleslaw and guacamole on a whole wheat bun… this jicama tastes about as much like fish as Guy Fieri looks like Emily Dickinson. OK, so I don’t know who Emily Dickinson is, or even what kinda plant a jicama comes from, but it’s super-duper crunchy, and not even remotely fishy. I mean, you really don’t even need the slaw cuz the jicama is pretty slaw-some on its own, son!!!

Ain’t nothing wrong with these vegan fries though, bro. They’re pretty similar to Mickey D’s, cept with less salt and more herbs. Oh, and apparently they’re gluten-free…

We’re washing this all down with a Bleep Bloop, which also happens to be the censored version of what I said when I took a big bite of that jicama burger. This NEIPA, coming straight outta Calabogie, is hoppy and heavy enough to help the vegan food go down, bro!!!!

LE BURGER WEEK: I’m soooo hot for Priestley, bro!!!

Back when Toronto had its very own Burger Week, from 2012 to 2014, it was pretty awesome. You had all these funky joints all over the city dishing out one-off burgers for charity, and then they all got together on the last day for a Burger Day where they were serving up sliders in an outdoor space — one year it was even AYCE!

But that died in 2015, along with the short-lived alt-weekly that sponsored it, just as Le Poutine Week/Le Burger Week was first picking up steam…in Montreal, anyways. While it has supposedly expanded to every province across Canada, Le Burger Week has never really caught on in Toronto. The last time I tried writing about it, there were so few places participating that I ended up eating at two different Hero Burgers. And not much has changed in the 5 years since.

But last week I got an email from DoorDash offering 6 bucks off 15-dollar orders at participating Le Burger Week restaurants. So I went into the app, only to find there were only five places within delivery distance — plus, one was vegan and another one only does dessert (cheesecake is NOT a burger, bro!) But hey, six bucks off is six bucks off… so I guess I might as well try the other three burgers, eh?

We’re starting off with Rudy, this funky little joint on Duncan that’s got some of the best poutine in the city. This Le Burger Week Special is a tribute to the second-biggest Beverly Hills hottie (RIP Luke Perry!) — they’re calling it Hot For Priestley. You’ve got a griddled double cheeseburger topped with pickles and deep-fried jalapenos, plus I paid $2.49 to add bacon — you KNOW the first rule of Flavourtown is always add bacon, bro!!!

Now this burger will already set you back $13.95, so after adding the bacon I saved about 36%. And that would be even less if I ordered a poutine, a milkshake, or any other side dish. So instead I busted out a bag of Hickory Sticks, and reached into the fridge for some Low Hanging Fruit:

Since this sour beer is brewed with pomegranate and black currants, I was expecting it to be purple or lavender or something. But while it actually looks like a regular beer, you definitely get the tart pucker of pomegranate — I think I remember what pomegranate tastes like? — and there’s probably some black currant in there too; just don’t ask me the last time I had black currant. In any case, it was a highly crushable summer beer that helped cool off the spice of the jalapenos, bro!

TORONTO’S TOP TAKEOUT: Wagyu, the meaning of beef, the way that I want you to dine!!!

Slayer Burger opened its original location in the east end right around the start of Lockdown Number 3, so I never got the chance to check it out. But when I heard they had a second spot on Queen Street East, just South of Heav… erm, East of Broadview, I was all over that like a Dissident Aggressor, bro!!!!

Now, this place has six different burgers to choose from, but you KNOW I had to go with the First Degree Burger. We’re talking Wagyu beef, bacon, foie gras, fried onions, arugula and provolone on a black metal (or more like blackened thrash) charcoal sesame-seed bun, son!!!!!

Dude, this Angel of Death in Flavourtown is so decadent, you’d hafta be Criminally Insane not to enjoy it! Nice, beefy patty, oozing with cheese, and the signature Slayer sauce gives it a nice little kick. But what really makes it is the bacon. Dude, this is the best bacon I’ve had on a burger in a long time — perfectly thick and crispy, just the way I like it. You KNOW I’m gonna Show No Mercy to this one, bro!!!!!!!!!!!

But after that Reign in Beef, I gotta Cleanse the Soul with a salad. (Hey, it’s not salad if you yell SLAYER, bro!!!) This Slayed Caesar comes with croutons, real bacon bits and parmesan crisps — dude, this is body by parmesan crisps! And since my Uber delivery bike rider took several Seasons in the Abyss to get here, any fries would haven been as soggy as a Dead Skin Mask by the time they arrived…

Now, my Slayer Milkshake wasn’t exactly solid after spending 40 minutes in some dude’s delivery bag, but it was still cold ‘n creamy, with a hint of almonds and cherries. Hardening of the Arteries never tasted so good!!!!

TORONTO’S TOP TAKEOUT: Angry Shrimp Poke ain’t no joke!!!

When it’s a million degrees outside, the last thing I wanna do is turn on my oven. And if I can find a takeout dish that’s best served cold, all the better! So we’re checking out Poke Guys, this funky little poke place just offa Dundas, where they’re serving up seven different kinds of poke bowls, bro! You can get ’em with salmon, tuna or even tofu, but I knew I had to go with the Angry Shrimp. Dude, Angry Shrimp was the name of my Glenn Danzig cover band, bro!!!!

The food may be cold, but it’s definitely bringing the heat, son! These sweet and spicy shrimp get an extra kick from the kimchi, with some corn, cucumber and avocado to cool it down (the avocado costs extra though — dude, this is body by avocado!). And did I mention the pineapple???

While I don’t have a problem with putting pineapple on pizza, it definitely hits different when you pair it with shrimp. You’ve got the sweet with the heat, the acid with the sour and the juice with the succulent seafood… Now, I’m not saying you should put shrimp and pineapple on pizza, but if somebody did, I would probably at least try it.

TORONTO’S TOP TAKEOUT: Beefy double cheeseburger and cheese fries from The Bullger

Now, when I heard that The Bullger, this funky burger joint at Queen and Parliament, was serving up an eight-dollar double burger with a fried egg on top for the Eggs Anytime deal with Skip the Dishes, I was all over that like beef on a bun, son! They call this the Bull’s Eye, and it totally hits the target!!!

OK, now let’s break it down. We’ve got two beefy six-ounce patties, topped with mozza cheese, lettuce, onions, mushrooms, and just oozing with donkey sauce…and then they put an egg on top!? Shut the front, back and side doors, bro! Now, this burger was really messy — I definitely needed all the napkins that they gave me! But the patties were on point, and when you get a nice bite of egg, and maybe a couple shrooms, that right there is the golden ticket!!!

And now we’re kicking it up another notch with some cheese fries, bro! These french-fried potaters are topped with real cheese, and then they put some cheese sauce and donkey sauce on top! The only downside is that, while the top layer is nice ‘n cheesy, the fries underneath are pretty much plain. Ya gotta layer on the cheese sauce, son!!!!!!!!!

Now, they don’t serve beer at The Bullger, so I pulled this bad boy outta the fridge. Hustle Over Hype is a crushable pale wheat ale that doesn’t really have the citrusy kick of a wheat beer or the hoppiness of an IPA. But it does have an old-timey boxing dude fighting a hop monster on the can, bro!!!!!

TORONTO’S TOP TAKEOUT: Four fried chickens and a Coke

Dude, PG Clucks was serving up fried chicken sandwiches before fried chicken sandwiches was cool, bro! This place started out as a takeout window in the Royale Theatre, but when Birreria Volo opened next door, you could order their sandwiches right to your table, washed down with some killer craft beer. Of course, everything is takeout and delivery nowadays, and they’ve even opened a second location on Queen St West, but the OG in Little Italy is still closest to me. So, when I found out they were serving up 2-for-1 fried chicken on Uber Eats, I was all over that like John Belushi on a mission from God, Blues Bro!!!!

Now, you won’t get any chicken wings or chicken legs here — it’s all boneless, bro! Their two piece chicken + one side meal gave you the option of half regular, half Nashville Hot, so I ended up with two pieces of each. They also came with smokey chili and buttermilk ranch sauce…so I saved the smokey chili for the mild pieces. Chicken was nice ‘n crispy, and the boneless factor made it easy for dipping. I wouldn’t fill up on just one order, but 2-for-1 seemed just right for a light lunch in Flavourtown.

Now, their Nashville Hot Chicken wasn’t nearly as spicy as the stuff I’ve had in Nashville — or the best Nashville hot chicken in Toronto, for that matter. But while I loaded up on the buttermilk ranch — dude, this is body by buttermilk ranch — it still had a pretty decent kick. I may or may not have been all Johnny Cash on the toilet after, put it that way…

On the side, I went with macaroni salad, which was probably just the right amount — once you double it, anyways. The creaminess took a bit of the edge off the Nashville Hot, and it’s always good to have another bite in between. One two-piece order is just a light snack in Flavourtown, but when you double down, it’s at least enough for lunch, son!!!

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