ASSEMBLY CHEF’S HALL: One pulled lamb, one fish and one beef…

Because I didn’t get enough tacos for Christmas, I headed back to Assembly Chef’s Hall, where they’ve got a funky little joint that’s hand rolling the corn tortillas and grilling up the beef, lamb and fish. At Los Colibris, these tacos go for about seven bucks a pop, but you can’t just expect me to eat one taco, bro!!!

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Man, this lamb barbacoa is so far outta bounds, it ended up on the other side of the wall!!! It’s like what you get when you cross roast lamb with pulled pork–a total taste sensation! Pretty sure I could slam, like, seven of these…but then I wouldn’t be able to sample the other tasty taco offerings:

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This beef alambre is giving me hambre, hombre! You’ve got the tender grilled beef, with bell peppers, onions, cilantro and salsa that’s practically baked into the shell. Man, this taco is totally messy, and you KNOW if it ain’t messy, it ain’t tasty, bro!!!!

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This baja fish taco is about to swim straight down my piehole! You’ve got a crispy battered fish with a nice, crunchy slaw–and then I dumped a whole buncha chipotle sauce on top. Cuz I’m in love with chipotle, bro!!!

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ASSEMBLY CHEF’S HALL: Legit beef brisket at a food court!?!? Shut the back door!!!!

The Assembly Chef’s Hall is now fully operational, with a buncha new food stands just opening up yesterday. And this is definitely the one I was waiting for, right here. I’ve never been to Cherry St Bar-B-Que before, cuz it’s in the middle of nowhere, but I can tell you that their food is straight outta Downtown Flavourtown. Here’s the beef right here, heading straight down my piehole!!!

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Man, this brisket is too legit to quit! You’ve got some big, meaty slices with just the right amount of fat. The meat is super-tender, melt-in-your-mouth, with that real-deal smoky flavour. The onions, pickles and holla-atcha-penos on the side make it a fully balanced breakfast, bro! They only had brisket and pulled pork on opening day, but I’m told they’ll be doing turkey and ribs too…so you know I’ll be back, like, seven times a week!!!!!!!

ASSEMBLY CHEF’S HALL: You know I like my chicken fried…

Now, fried chicken is just about the best kind of fast food there is–especially when you get it at a gas station in Cleveland. As far as I’m concerned, every real-deal food court needs a fried chicken joint, and the Assembly Chef’s Hall checks that box with Love Chix.

This funky chicken shack is serving up winner, winner chicken dinner with seasonal sides sold separately, but for the same price, you can also get it in sandwich form, like so:

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OK, let’s break it down. You’ve got a crispy breaded fried chicken with a honey hot sauce that’s equal parts heat and sweet. There’s also a great big glop of tangy mayo, some scratch-made slaw and just a couple greens, for presentation. Between the hot sauce and the mayo, I totally destroyed a couple napkins slamming this sammy down my piehole, bro! I gotta say, it’s pretty tasty…but it’s also 15 bucks, so there’s that.

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ASSEMBLY CHEF’S HALL: Goodson’s got some great pizza, son!

This funky new food court just opened downtown in the Google building on Richmond St. Now, whenever there’s a new food court in town, you KNOW I’m not far behind—but you won’t find any Mickey D’s or KFC here, bro! Instead, they’ve got these fancy eateries from all over the city offering scaled down versions of their menu in a fast-food format. Assembly Chef’s Hall is outta bounds!!!

Now, pizza is probably one of my most favourite things in the world. Dude, this is body by pizza, bro! So it figures that the very first place I’d frequent in the food court would be this funky joint, Goodson Pizza. They’ve got a full service restaurant on Queen St W, but over here, they’re doing what they do best, serving up a handful of scratch-made, real-deal, Italian-style pies. They even stretch the dough out on the counter right before your eyes!

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Now this here is my personal pan favourite, the spicy sopressata. You’ve got a nice base from the San Marzano tomatoes, some ooey, gooey bites of flor di latte, and a whole buncha cured Italian meat, bro! Crust is not too chewy, not too crispy, and there’s a nice little kick from the chili oil. This is definitely the best pizza you’ll ever get at a food court—it puts a horse’s head in Sbarro’s bed, mafi-bro-so!!!!

We three kings of bacon and beef…

Now, it’s been a long time since I last went to Burger King, but I can’t stop seeing ads for this Bacon King sandwich pretty much every time I turn on the TV. (I guess that’s what happens when you watch The Bacon Network 24/7, son!) And hey, it definitely checks all the boxes–beef, bacon, ketchup, mayo, processed cheese on a bun–those are pretty much the five food groups of funk in Flavourtown!

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Now, I don’t really like paying nine bucks just for a burger, but this is not a small sandwich, son! You’ve got a buncha nice bites of beef, with the cheese melting into the meat, and some tang from the ketchup…but where’s the bacon, bro???

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I dunno guy, but I didn’t think six strips of bacon would result in so many small bites. And it’s got kind of a funky texture–not quite crispy, not quite chewy, kinda like a thinner version of beef jerky. Don’t get me wrong, these burgers weren’t bad–and you KNOW I pounded all three of them, bro!–but I would probably take one Wendy’s Baconator over we three Bacon Kings.

Now, if only BK brought back the bacon sundae, then we’d be gellin’ like a felon, Doctor Broles!!!!

4 meats, 1 bun, bro!!!!

So, we’re hanging out at Philthy Philly’s, this funky fresh sandwich joint inside a food fair at Yonge and Gerrard. This place just opened up downtown a couple weeks back, but they’ve got a buncha them in the suburbs already. And it’s sorta like Subway on steroids–serving up some massive meat sammies like this Flavourtown fearsome foursome, The Big Boss:

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Y’know, my motto’s always been, why eat just one meat when you can have four? And they’re piling them up on this massive meatstravaganza right here! You’ve got steak, you’ve got chicken, you’ve got bacon strips AND peameal, all freshly chopped and cooked up on the grill. Top it off with provolone, Cheez Whiz, onions, bell peppers AND holla-atcha-penos, and you’ve got enough stuff to stuff Ben Simmons, bro! But you KNOW we ain’t full yet…

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Why YES, that is a lean, mean pierogi poutine! They basically take a real-deal fries/curds/gravy combo and add bacon, onions, sour cream and four pierogis on top! That’s like eating two meals in one, son! But you know it’s just a side dish in Flavourtown…

philthy_philly_aftermath (2)WE DON’T STOP UNTIL WE’RE DONE, SON!!!!

 

I’ve got a need…a need for BEEF!

So we’re hanging out at Top Gun Steak, this funky little burger joint in Kensington Market. They may not have Tom Cruise on the wall or Kenny Loggins on the stereo, but this place is serving up a whole buncha burgers and steak sammies inspired by the biggest box office smash of 1986. We’re heading right into the danger zone with this one, Goose-bro!

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They call this beefcake Maverick, and it’s just a bitchin’ pair of shades away from flying straight down my piehole. You’ve got a double cheeseburger, topped with havarti, grilled onions, lettuce, tomato–and even a hunka grilled pineapple on top. But wait, one of these patties is lamb!!!??? Shut the back door, bro!!!

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Of course, every burger pilot needs a sidekick, and these chili cheese fries put Goose to shame! You’ve got a rich, meaty chili with big bites of kidney beans, and then a shredded blend of mozza-cheddar on top. And yes, this is real cheese–no queso, bro! Dude, this place is just a Kenny Loggins soundtrack short of sensational. I think we can fix that, though: