Fast Food Confidential

TORONTO’S TOP TAKEOUT: Italian flag pizza from Eataly

Now, I never got the chance to check out Eataly Toronto when it opened late last year — they always had some crazy lineups, bro! I guess the grocery store’s still open…but who needs groceries when you can have pizza? And at this place, they’re serving up not one, but two kinds of authentic Italian pizza: Roman AND Neapolitan!

Now, it’s hard to pick a favourite among so many great pies, but since I can really only eat one pizza at time, I had to go for the one that’s like three pizzas in one — this is the Tricolore:

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This rectangular pie was made to look like the Italian flag — with rows of red, white and green. Now, I’m not gonna get all three flavours in one bite, so I gotta make like Dexter Holland and keep ’em separated!

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So, we’re starting off with the green side, which has mozzarella and pecorino topped with a basil pesto. Dude, this crust is crunchy on the outside, chewy on the inside, and this cheesy combo is TheBomb.it — then the tangy pesto really kicks it up a notch!

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The white slice in the middle also doubles down on cheesy goodness with Goronzola flor di latte and grana padano. While this is still, like, 10 times better than Pizza Pizza, I actually liked the cheesiness of the basil slice a bit more…

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Now, we’re saving the most legit for last with a classic slice of Margherita: tomato sauce, Buffalo mozzarella and one lonely leaf of basil. Now, while the foil-lined pizza box kept the pizza at a decent temp (delivery took about 30 min), it was getting a little cold at this point. But that sauce was super-legit, cheese was pretty tasty, and the crust was on point. Even after scarfing down that whole pie in less than 15 minutes, I would totally order another Marg pizza — I’d just hafta keep it warm in the oven, or something…

TORONTO’S TOP TAKEOUT: You ululate, I ululate, we all ululate for Halal Guys!!!

In case you didn’t know, The Halal Guys made a name for themselves as one of the most popular food trucks in New York City, before branching out all over the world. They’ve had one in Toronto for a couple years now, right around Yonge and Wellesley, but I never got the chance to check it out…until now!

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At this place, their menu is nice and simple — you can order chicken, gyros or falafel, either on a pita or in a platter. Now you KNOW I went with both kinds of meat, bro — chicken AND gyros!!!

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OK, now let’s break it down. The meat is clearly carved off a spit shawarma-style, and then piled on top of a whole lotta veggies, like carrots, lettuce, tomato, onions, jalapenos and green peppers. You get a nice kick from the hot sauce and the garlicky white sauce — man, I only used one packet of white sauce, and I got it all over everything!!!

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Now, the trick with this dish is to layer the meat so that you’re not just left with a big pile of lettuce and carrots at the end. But man, when you smother it in white sauce, even lettuce and carrots taste pretty gangster! And did I mention I’ve still got a whole ‘nother packet? Man, I’m gonna spread some white sauce on everything I eat now — that sauce is the boss, hoss!!!!

TORONTO’S TOP TAKEOUT: We’re taking poutine to the extreme!!!

Now, if there’s one food group I could eat for breakfast, lunch and dinner, it’s gotta be poutine. And there’s no shortage of funky poutineries all over this city — even during lockdown, bro! Like Poutine Mountain, this pop-up kitchen in the 6ix Food Hall, that’s serving up poutine so outta bounds, they gotta dare you to eat it:

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This I Dare You poutine is like a 2 a.m. drunk dial in Flavourtown, bro! You’ve got french fries, mozza cheese, mozza sticks, a piece of fried chicken, and then a buncha pepperonis at the bottom. The menu said there were chicken tenders, but I actually think the pepperoni works better, cuz it lets me do this:

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Now, I gotta say right off the bat that there are no cheese curds in this poutine, which is kinda like a cardinal sin in Flavourtown. But when you get some fries, some gravy, a bit of cheese, half a mozza stick and then a pepperoni on top, that’s pretty much the perfect bite, bro!!!!

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Now, on the other hand, the fried chicken was a bit of a miss with this dish. I’m not used to eating fried chicken with a fork, so pulling pieces of chicken off to stack on top of the FCG — fries, cheese ‘n gravy — did not go so well. But hey, while none of the ingredients were perfect, or even very good, when you put ’em all together, it’s pretty much what the doctor ordered after back-to-back-to-back virtual happy hours, bro-rantine king!!!!

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TORONTO’S TOP TAKEOUT: Hot dog for breakfast? Don’t mind if I do…

Y’know, if there’s one thing I’ve been missing the most during The Great Restaurant Shutdown of 2020, it’s brunch. I mean, I’ve ordered everything from mac ‘n cheese to Pekin duck to go, but I didn’t see any places doing brunch deliveries…not until I came across Ramona’s Kitchen, this funky little joint inside the Annex Food Hall, that’s serving up all three meals of the day — with a special brunch menu on weekends.

Now, we’re not just talking French toast and eggs benny, bro — this place is offering all kinds of funkaliciousness, like a green egg omelette, schnitzel benedict and this sausage party in Flavourtown, the Morning Frankfurter:

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Now, this has gotta be one of the most off-the-hook hot dogs I’ve ever had. You’ve got a thick, all-beef wiener, topped with scrambled eggs, holy guacamole, cheddar cheese slices, cherry tomatoes and some great big strips of bacon, all swimming in a spicy donkey sauce. This dog was super messy, but you know what I say — if it ain’t messy, it ain’t tasty!!!

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Now, I don’t wanna sleep on the fries, either. These fresh-cut taters tasted just like something you’d get from a chip truck, and they were still hot and crispy when I started shoveling them down my piehole, cuz the streets were so quiet on Sunday morning that my order was barely 20 minutes from start to finish, making it the fastest delivery since this whole shutdown started!!!

Man, I know there are so many other funky joints offering takeout and delivery all over this city…but I might hafta order from here again, maybe even before restaurants reopen. That chicken schnitzel benny sounds soooo outta bounds, bro!!!!

TORONTO’S TOP TAKEOUT: It’s like Steak ‘n Potatoes Gone Wild in Flavourtown!!!

Now, you know we love burgers and fries right here on Triple B — it’s even in the name, bro! But sometimes, I want something a little more elevated. We’re talking steak sandwich, and maybe some tater tots, but kick it up a notch, with bacon and cheese? Luckily, Knuckle Sandwich, this funky little joint on Coxwell, a flew blocks north of the Danforth, has got just what the good doctor ordered!!!!

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Now, this order took over 15 minutes just to deliver…but it was definitely worth the wait! This steak sandwich was super-slow-mo scrumptious, son!!!

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Now, by the time my delivery got here, the steak was a little more than medium, but the meat was still pretty tender. Topped with chimichurri, crispy onions and a garlic donkey sauce on a nice crusty roll — I was actually kinda full after just eating this half! But you KNOW I’ve always gots room for tots, bro!!!

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These loaded potatoes totally kick it up a notch with green onions, cheddar cheese and ranch dressing, plus they’ve got these great big chunks of bacon — there’s no baby bacon bits here, bro! That’s like almost all the food groups in Flavourtown…all we’re missing is alcohol and gravy!!!!

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TORONTO’S TOP TAKEOUT: This is mac daddy mac ‘n cheese, son!!!

Now, who doesn’t love mac ‘n cheese, bro? Whether they’re serving it up at an old-school British pub, inside a grilled cheese burger, or at a full-fledged festival, you KNOW I’m always down to clown, Charlie Brown! And when I heard about this funky little mac shack just offa Ossington, Bobbie Sue’s Mac + Cheese, I definitely had to get me some!!!

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This here’s the Blue Buffalo Mac, and it’s totally mac-tastic! You’ve got some big ol’ pieces of pulled chicken, a buncha blue cheese, and some tender noodles, served up in a box big enough for an 8″ personal pizza! I don’t think I’ve ever been so full for 15 bucks, bro — not since the AYCE sushi at Kyoto House, anyways…

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TORONTO’S TOP TAKEOUT: This burger’s gonna knock me out!

Now, I’ve had some pretty crazy burgers right here on Triple B. We’re talking double, triple, all the way up to six patties, and even some with grilled-cheese sandwich buns, son! So when I heard that Knockout Chicken, this funky, boxing-themed chicken and burger joint in Kensington Market, was serving up a burger so big that it came with extra napkins, so big that they couldn’t even close the takeout box, then you KNOW I had to order it. This is The Greatest:

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Dude, this burger is kinda like when you take a KFC Double Down, and then you double down again. You’ve got two beef patties, two great big pieces of fried chicken, slathered in their sweet ‘n tangy KO sauce, and stuffed between two grilled cheese buns. As you can see, it’s a real fistful of dynamite!!!!

Now, the app said this burger comes with beef bacon, so either there’s a beef bacon shortage going on, or they just forgot to put it on. But with no veggies to be found, it was just round after round of meat connecting straight with my jaw. Chicken was definitely the star of the show, but the beef was pretty good, too. Only problem was that once I got half way through, the sandwich started falling apart — the grilled cheese buns just couldn’t hold everything together. But I wasn’t gonna thrown in the napkin until I went all 15 rounds, bro!!!!

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Man, I already feel like I need a nap. It’s gonna be lights out pretty soon…

TORONTO’S TOP TAKEOUT: Cinco de Mayo tacos from El Trompo

Now, we started this Corona madness by drinking Guinness on St. Patty’s Day, and in a similar way, we’re celebrating Cinco de Mayo with some takeout tacos. Now, there’s no shortage of taco joints in this city, even if they’re not all doing delivery, but I gotta say El Trompo had some of the best prices I found for anything on Uber Eats. I mean, I don’t think I’ve spent less than 20 bucks on an order since this shutdown started — so when they’re serving up five tacos for $13.50, I definitely can’t complain!

Mind you, these weren’t just any old tacos — we’re talking beef tongue, son!!!

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Now, you KNOW I love lengua, bro! It’s got a distinct texture, kinda like well-done roast beef, all chopped up with no place to go. The onions add a nice little crunch, there’s some citrus from the lime, and the salsa roja gave a bit of a kick…but then I kicked it up a notch with a few drops of the pineapple scotch bonnet sauce leftover from Patois. And lemme tell ya, a few drops is all you need — that shit’s spicy, son!!!!

TORONTO’S TOP TAKEOUT: Build your own Pittsburgh-style sando from Porchetta & Co

Now, when it comes to takeout, you’ll usually get a buncha beef and chicken, but you don’t often see pork — unless it’s the bacon on yer burger, bro! But that’s not the case at Porchetta & Co, this funky little joint that specializes in Italian roast pork sandwiches. (They’ve also got hot chicken, but I wouldn’t recommend it…) Now, you can order up a porchetta sandwich on its own, but for a couple bucks more, they’ll make it into a plate — or, in this case, a container:

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Now, the toasted sourdough bun comes with every order, but you get to pick two other sides. And while I could get fancy with some roast potatoes and rapini, seeing the fries ‘n coleslaw gave me an idea — I’m gonna build my own triple-threat sandwich just like they do at Primanti Bros in Pittsburgh…with the fries and the coleslaw on top!

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So, I start by spreading some grainy mustard all across the bottom bun, then I pile on every single piece of pork — including the crackling, which is probably the best part!

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And then it’s time to fire up the band in this Flavourtown orchestra, by piling the fries and the slaw right on! Man, I’m gonna hafta hunch extra hard for this one…

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Dude, this sandwich was almost too delish to squish! The pork was unctuous and rambunctious, you’ve got a nice kick from the mustard, some crunch from the coleslaw, and the classic crinkle-cut fries adding a little more texture to this Flavourtown masterpiece. 10 on 10 would eat again!!!

TORONTO’S TOP TAKEOUT: My all-time favorite burrito, to go!!!

Now, back when I used to live in The Annex, I was almost right next door to a Burrito Bandidos — which was pretty freakin’ awesome, bro! Anytime I didn’t feel like cooking, I’d head on over for my go-to order — halibut burrito on white with everything, hold the spicy stuff!

Well, I don’t live in The Annex anymore, but there is another Burrito Bandidos within delivery range, so it’s time to say hello again to ma lil’ friend!!!

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Dude, this is like Fish ‘n Chips Gone Wild in Flavourtown (minus the chips). You’ve got a nice, deep-fried piece of halibut, a little crunch from the green peppers, some juice from the tomatoes, the rice and beans adding extra texture. And while I didn’t pay more for guacamole, I’m pretty sure I tasted some guac in here, too… Now, put that on your plate!!!

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