This must be the unhealthiest meal in Tim Hortons history!

Now, I don’t normally eat at Tim Hortons, dude. If I want a soup and a sandwich…I just go to Panera Bread, bro! But lately, Timmy Ho’s has a whole new menu, and they’re serving up some real-deal comfort food that’s both delicious and unnutritious! So here’s the move—Crispy Chicken Sandwich, served club style with cheese and bacon, a side of Loaded Potato Wedges and a new Churro Donut for dessert!

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Now, I gotta say, this chicken burger is better than anything I’ve had at McDonald’s or Wendy’s lately. The chicken is super crispy, the bun is nice and soft, the bacon is not too chewy…and they actually use real cheddar cheese, bro! I don’t think Mickey D’s has ever done that, dude!

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Now, Timmy’s apparently pissed some people off by giving away 4 million potato wedges instead of coffee in Roll Up the Rim—but who needs coffee when you can have potato, bro!? These fully loaded wedges come with chili and cheese on top—and this is body by chili and cheese, son! The chili actually absorbs nicely into the potato, but I think if they used some of that real cheddar cheese instead of this stringy white stuff, it would kick this dish up a notch, knowwhatImsayin?

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Now, I gotta be honest, after consuming over 770 calories already, I almost didn’t have room for dessert. But you know I can’t say no to churros, bro! This looks kinda like a honey cruller, but they put a whole buncha powdered sugar on top, and then there’s caramel on the inside!!!??? Shut the back door!

Now, Timmy’s hasn’t put the loaded wedges or the churro donut up on its nutrition site yet, but if I add the unloaded wedges and a honey cruller to the crispy chicken club, I’m eating 1050 calories…so this was probably a few more. I might only need three fried chickens and a Coke for dinner instead of four!!!

What to do when you can’t decide between rotisserie chicken and fried chicken

So, we’re hanging out at The Chickery, this funky little chicken shack just baby steps from the Sick Kids Hospital. Now, this place has got both kinds of chicken: rotisserie and fried, and sometimes, you just can’t choose. That’s why they give it to you both ways with this delicious dish, The Chickery Sampler:

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OK, let’s break it down. What you’ve got here are two buttermilk chicken fingers, a chicken feather, mac ‘n cheese, kale caesar salad, buttermilk ranch sauce…and beneath all of that madness, a quarter-chicken white. That’s a whole lotta food, dude! Now, I know what you’re thinking–what the cluck is a chicken feather? It’s this thing, right here:

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Now, while the chicken fingers were plump and juicy, the feather is a whole different bird, bro. This chicken strip is super-thin and extra crispy, with a salty sprinkling of Parmesan. Still goes great with the buttermilk ranch sauce, though!

And I gotta say, the sides were pretty legit. The kale caesar salad was so crisp and tasty, you wouldn’t even know there was kale mixed in with the romaine. And hey, that’s the way I like to eat kale–blended in so well you don’t even know it’s there. The mac ‘n cheese had a nice crispy breadcrumb coating, but it couldn’t decide whether it was supposed to be a hot or a cold dish, and came out a little lukewarm. I think next time I might try a different side, like some cornbread or the smashed garlic potater

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But of course, we haven’t even gotten to the best part yet. This rotisserie chicken is like sweet dreams on Elm St. The bird was so moist and juicy, it’s making my mouth water just looking at the picture! And while the seasoning was similar to Swiss Chalet, they don’t usually serve ’em up this fresh, bro!

Man, this place is like the best of both worlds. It takes KFC and Swiss Chalet out back, slaughters em, and serves ’em up with a side caesar salad, son!!!!!!

Hey, this McDonald’s hash brown burger actually ain’t bad…

OK, now listen up Mickey D’s, cuz a hash brown is not a rosti. I’ve had rosti before—it’s a can’t miss Swiss potato dish served up with fried eggs and spinach, not a hash brown on a hamburger. You ain’t foolin’ nobody with your Potato Rosti & Bacon Burger, bro!

The way I see it, because they won’t bring all-day breakfast to Canada, some suit-and-tie guy decided to do something about their surplus of hash browns. And hey, believe it or not, but this burger actually kinda works:

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This thing is totally cruncherrific, dude! You’ve got the bacon bits, raw onions, and then the crispy, deep-fried potato. The processed cheese is melting all over the place, making it part cheese sauce, part amazing. And this is not your average bun, son! It’s even got oatmeal flakes on top…which has gotta be the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week!

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And then you’ve got these new, waffle-cut fries. They don’t make ‘em as often as the regular fries, so these spuds were Straight Outta Deep-Fryer and Crispy to the Max, son! This might be the single greatest thing I’ve ever had at McDonald’s—hell, if you put McDonald’s poutine on these babies, it might not even suck!!!

I gotcha, hot Sriracha chicken sandwich!

Now, when it comes to hot sauce, my all-time favourite is Guy Fieri’s Buffalo NY Wing Sauce. But my second favourite is Sriracha. And at Wendy’s, only for a limited time, they’re stuffing all sorts of spicy sauce into their new Spicy Sriacha Chicken Sandwich. You’ve got Sriracha Jack cheese, a creamy Sriacha aioli…they even put Sriracha in the bun, son!

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OK, let’s break it down. The chicken is hot and crispy, you’ve got a nice chew from the Applewood smoked bacon, and that Sriracha aioli adds a nice kick. And then they put spinach and red onions on top!? That’s so outta bounds, bro! Anyways, this sandwich ain’t gonna melt yer face off—I didn’t really get a lotta heat from the bun or the cheese—but it definitely has more flavour, and more kick that what you’d get at a fast-food joint, bro!

No name, no seats…no problem!

Now, sometimes the best funky little joints are so tiny that you walk right past them and you don’t even know they’re there—especially when they don’t even have a proper name. And if you’re walking in Toronto’s financial district, you might not even know that at 330 Bay Street, they’re serving up some real-deal paninis and roast-chicken dinners! It’s like “Winner, winner, porchetta Focaccia!”

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Now, this place is pretty legit. They’ve got roast beef and porchetta that they hand-carve to order, and the meat is outta-bounds! You’ve got nice, juicy pork, with a crispy pork skin, a sweet, honey-roasted garlic sauce, and then some tender rapini and Padano cheese on a soft, spongy Focaccia roll. And they even put it in a purdy little box, bro!

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Pretty sure I could slam seven of these, son! It beats the heck outta McDonalds in a food court, I’ll tell you what!!!

It’s like a pizza sub on top of a burger, bro!

Now, if you’ve ever been down to the ballpark in Hotlanta, they’ve got this honky-tonk redonkadonk culinary creation called The Burgerizza. This dish is so outta bounds bro, it ended up in the visitor’s dugout! You’ve got a 20-ounce patty between two eight-inch pizzas…I’m getting fatter just by thinking about it! Now Harvey’s Pizza Burger, well, let’s just say it pales by comparison:

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Don’t get me wrong, I was totally prepared to hate this, bro. I was gonna be all like “This pizza burger is a pizza crap!” … but then it turned out to be magically delicious. Basically, you’ve got all the ingredients of a pizza sub—pepperoni, cheese ‘n pizza sauce—on top of a Harvey’s charbroiled burger. I only added toppings I’d actually put on a pizza, so, y’know, ixnay on the ettucelay! And hey, as strange as it sounds, this combination actually works. Maybe next time I’m at Subway, I’m gonna ask them to put a burger on my pizza sub, son!!!

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But of course, you know that itty, bitty burger wasn’t gonna fill me up, buttercup! So I ordered a side of Buffalo chicken poutine, which just might be the funkiest thing on the menu. They take a chicken burger, douse it in Red Hot Sauce, then chop it up and put it on top of cheese curds, gravy and fries (which happens to be the Quebec version of Triple B – Vive la CCGF, mon fils)! Again, you wouldn’t think this would work…but the hot sauce actually goes well with the gravy. My only complaint is that they don’t cut the chicken into smaller pieces, cuz nobody eats poutine with a knife, bro!!!!!!

You call that hand-carved turkey, bro?

Now, a couple weeks back I said I’d never had Subway’s Hand-Carved Turkey Sandwich. But since then, I’ve only seen the ad on TV like 227 times, so I figured I might as well go for a soda and try it. And lemme just say, there’s no way that turkey’s hand-carved; those slices are so uniform and precise that I’m pretty sure a robot cut ‘em or something…

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That being said, this sammy ain’t too shabby. The turkey isn’t fresh-off-the-bird, but it’s got a better chew and texture than deli meat. Warmed up some in the Subway bread oven, and now you’re cooking with cranberry mustard sauce, son!

Cuz hey, the sauce is what makes it. You’ve got a bit of sweet, a bit of tang, and a whole lotta love, right here, right now on fresh-baked bread. They said you can add bacon for 50 cents, but you’ll hafta make yer own stuffing. Y’know, I wouldn’t trust any breading that came from a plastic bag, bro!!!