We three kings of bacon and beef…

Now, it’s been a long time since I last went to Burger King, but I can’t stop seeing ads for this Bacon King sandwich pretty much every time I turn on the TV. (I guess that’s what happens when you watch The Bacon Network 24/7, son!) And hey, it definitely checks all the boxes–beef, bacon, ketchup, mayo, processed cheese on a bun–those are pretty much the five food groups of funk in Flavourtown!

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Now, I don’t really like paying nine bucks just for a burger, but this is not a small sandwich, son! You’ve got a buncha nice bites of beef, with the cheese melting into the meat, and some tang from the ketchup…but where’s the bacon, bro???

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I dunno guy, but I didn’t think six strips of bacon would result in so many small bites. And it’s got kind of a funky texture–not quite crispy, not quite chewy, kinda like a thinner version of beef jerky. Don’t get me wrong, these burgers weren’t bad–and you KNOW I pounded all three of them, bro!–but I would probably take one Wendy’s Baconator over we three Bacon Kings.

Now, if only BK brought back the bacon sundae, then we’d be gellin’ like a felon, Doctor Broles!!!!

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4 meats, 1 bun, bro!!!!

So, we’re hanging out at Philthy Philly’s, this funky fresh sandwich joint inside a food fair at Yonge and Gerrard. This place just opened up downtown a couple weeks back, but they’ve got a buncha them in the suburbs already. And it’s sorta like Subway on steroids–serving up some massive meat sammies like this Flavourtown fearsome foursome, The Big Boss:

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Y’know, my motto’s always been, why eat just one meat when you can have four? And they’re piling them up on this massive meatstravaganza right here! You’ve got steak, you’ve got chicken, you’ve got bacon strips AND peameal, all freshly chopped and cooked up on the grill. Top it off with provolone, Cheez Whiz, onions, bell peppers AND holla-atcha-penos, and you’ve got enough stuff to stuff Ben Simmons, bro! But you KNOW we ain’t full yet…

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Why YES, that is a lean, mean pierogi poutine! They basically take a real-deal fries/curds/gravy combo and add bacon, onions, sour cream and four pierogis on top! That’s like eating two meals in one, son! But you know it’s just a side dish in Flavourtown…

philthy_philly_aftermath (2)WE DON’T STOP UNTIL WE’RE DONE, SON!!!!

 

I’ve got a need…a need for BEEF!

So we’re hanging out at Top Gun Steak, this funky little burger joint in Kensington Market. They may not have Tom Cruise on the wall or Kenny Loggins on the stereo, but this place is serving up a whole buncha burgers and steak sammies inspired by the biggest box office smash of 1986. We’re heading right into the danger zone with this one, Goose-bro!

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They call this beefcake Maverick, and it’s just a bitchin’ pair of shades away from flying straight down my piehole. You’ve got a double cheeseburger, topped with havarti, grilled onions, lettuce, tomato–and even a hunka grilled pineapple on top. But wait, one of these patties is lamb!!!??? Shut the back door, bro!!!

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Of course, every burger pilot needs a sidekick, and these chili cheese fries put Goose to shame! You’ve got a rich, meaty chili with big bites of kidney beans, and then a shredded blend of mozza-cheddar on top. And yes, this is real cheese–no queso, bro! Dude, this place is just a Kenny Loggins soundtrack short of sensational. I think we can fix that, though:

First time ever at Shake Shack…here’s what I ordered

Now, the burger chain that’s taking America by storm does not yet have any Toronto outlets, so when I went to Baltimore, I made sure to stop by. And man, this place was pretty busy—even at 3:45!

Now, I’ve heard good things about the cheeseburger, and was curious to try the hot chicken, but if I’m losing my Shake Shack virginity, I wanted it to be special…with a culinary classic you can’t get anywhere else. Enter the Shack Stack:

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So basically, what we’ve got here is a cheeseburger with a crispy mushroom patty on top. The crispness of the mushroom meshes well with the beef, and the cheese oozes all over the place—half of it oozed off onto the paper wrapper. I gotta say, I was a bit bummed out by this wasted cheesy goodness…but that’s why God gave bacon cheese fries to you, bro!!!

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Now, these fries have been blowing up my Instagram feed since forever, so I knew it was just a matter of time before they’d be heading straight down my piehole! The crinkle cut fries are crispy, but the queso takes some of the crispness away, making it a bit difficult to use the wooden toothpicky thing they give you. Bonus points for using real bacon pieces, though, bacon bro!!!

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One nice thing about Shake Shack is that they actually serve beer, unlike most fast food joints not named Chipotle. This here’s my friend Natty Boh. It’s kinda like PBR…but it’s purple.

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Now, I would not say this was the best burger I’ve ever had, and with everything you see here setting me back 20 bucks, it ain’t no screamin’ deal, either. But 10 on 10 would eat again. Only next time, can I get it Animal Style? 😜

Slaying some Nashville Hot Shrimp, son!

Now, you KNOW it’s Endless Shrimp season at Red Lobster, which is like a culinary Thanksgiving of the sea in Flavourtown. You’ve got your breaded shrimp, your garlic shrimp, your Mediterranean shrimp…even a shrimp linguini alfredo, bro! But the whole reason I’m here is for their brand new funkalicious flavour, Nashville Hot Shrimp:

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Now, it’s not exactly Nashville hot chicken, but this shrimp’s got a bit of a kick. They use a dry rub that’s sorta like BBQ chips on steroids, and then drizzle it with honey for a little added sweetness. They definitely won’t melt your face off though, bro!

And since the shrimp don’t stop till you say when, I just polished off, like, 72 of these babies. I’m gonna be feeling the bern like Larry David on Curb Your Enthusiasm Season Nine, Bernie bros!!!!

I just got a great deal on gyros, bro!

Now, I don’t always eat at food courts, but when I do, I like to funk it up. And Village on the Grange is probably the funkiest food court in the city–this side of the Urban Eatery! You won’t find any chains here bro, except for Mickey D’s. On the other hand, you’ve got vegan, you’ve got Korean, you’ve got sushi and dim sum and pho, oh my!

Oh, and there’s also this family-run Greek joint called Souvlaki House that’s been there for a million years…and they probably haven’t even raised their prices during that time. Cuz you can get a whole plate of food for just fo’ fiddy–and we’re talkin’ meatballs, we’re talkin’ moussaka, and my personal Greek favourite, gyros:

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Nobody really knows what animal gyros come from, but one thing’s for sure, they’re magically delicious! These zesty meat strips go great with tzatziki, and then you’ve got some potatoes, and your choice of side salad. (I went with the coleslaw, which was maybe a mistake.) All that and a can of Arizona will only set ya back about seven bucks…after HST, bro! That’s like a Giannis Antetokounmpo throwdown in Flavourtown!!!!

Subway’s new rotisserie-style chicken actually tastes like chicken!!!!!

I pretty much stopped going to Subway after a CBC study found that half of their grilled chicken wasn’t actually chicken. Don’t get me wrong, I still enjoy a steak ‘n cheese sammy sometimes…but y’know, I want my steak to be actual steak and my cheese to be actual cheese, bro!

Anyhoo, I had pretty much sworn off all Subway chicken-related products (except for #CrispyChickenCheatDay)…until I heard about their new Subway Grilled Wraps, what with their “rotisserie style” chicken. Cuz hey, even rotisserie-style soy probably tastes pretty good. But then a funny thing happened on the way to the Flavourtown Forum–this chicken’s actually legit!

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This here’s the Chicken Caesar Wrap, and it’s got me singing Hail Caesar like pre-Axl Rose AC/DC, bro! The chicken’s thick, juicy and actually tastes good…unlike their old “chicken,” which tasted like a mixture of vinegar powder, corn starch and tapioca. You’ve got bacon strips, some creamy caesar dressing, lettuce, tomato and…green peppers. Who puts green peppers in a Caesar salad, son?????

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