That’s a hunka hunka burning waffles, bro!

Now, I don’t normally eat waffles unless there’s fried chicken involved. But here at Old School, this funky little joint on Dundas West, they’ve got this brunch dish that’s a festival of funk in Flavourtown—the Elvis Waffle is in the building:

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OK, now let’s break it down. You’ve got this big ol’ fluffy waffle, chopped in four, covered with “I can’t believe it’s not peanut butter,” drizzled with caramel, and then they take a couple deep-fried bananas, and add bacon? Dude, it’s like I’m caught in a trap and I can’t walk out cuz I can’t stop eating this, Dwight Bro-kam!!!!

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Now, the waffles are cooked perfectly, the bacon is on point (although I couldda used at least twice as much bacon), but the deep-fried bananas are what makes it. Crunchy on the outside, gooey on the inside, I could eat that off a flip-flop! Dude, these bananas are bananas…and bananas is good!!!!

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I’mma Slamma Jamma some Indian lamba!!!

Dude, you KNOW how much I love lamb, bro! Whether it’s lamb chops, lamb ribs, lamb shank or a Lamb, Sea and Air Burger, it’s all heading straight down my piehole. Now, I’ve had Greek lamb, Persian lamb and BBQ lamb before, but Indian lamb? That’s all new to me!

So we’re hanging out at Aanch Modernistic Indian Cuisine, this funky little joint just a lamb stampede away from the Rogers Centre on Wellington St W. This place is serving up all kinds of Indian classics–butter chicken, tandoori chicken, chicken vindaloo…but why eat chicken when you can have the Crowne Lamb?

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Dude, this Aussie lamb shoulder is marinated overnight in Indian spices–you know the spice is right, Bob!–and served with a vindaloo curry mustard and a coriander mint sauce. The lamb is fall-apart tender, melt-in-your-mouth goodness, with a nice little kick from the raw purple fun-ions, and a sad shaved-carrot and lettuce salad. But who cares about salad, right????

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Of course, even after slaying all those lamb chops, I’ve still got room for dessert. And here we’re definitely kicking it up a notch outta bounds with this Indian after-dinner delicacy: Kesar Elaichi Rasmalai. These sweet little milk dumplings are served cold, swimming in cream, and garnished with pistachios, bro! It’s like Cottage Cheese Gone Wild in Flavourtown!!!!

This cider walks right through the door, bro!

Now, I don’t always drink cider, but when I do, it’s named after my second-favourite Perry Farrell band (Pornos for Pyros FTW, bro!) like this one, Jane’s Addiction from Brickworks Ciderhouse on Queen St:

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Dude, this dry perry with wildflower honey is like a Ritual de lo Habitual in Flavourtown! Not too sweet, not too bitter, it finds the right mix between dry and fruity–kinda like the lyrics of “Ain’t No Right.”

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Of course, you KNOW I’m not gonna pound some Jane’s Addictions with a cucumber salad, bro! Instead, I’m stage-diving face first into these Blue Cheese Cider Mussels, with apple cider blue cheese cream, bacon and a side of apple cider vinegar fries. Now, I’ve chowed down on some funky fries before, but apple cider vinegar fries??? Shut the back door!!!!

Slaying the best Sunday brunch buffet in Mississauga…

So, we’re back in Port Credit, hanging out at the “Best Sunday Brunch in Mississauga” (according to themselves, anyways), where we’re scarfing down bacon, beef and breakfast tacos–that’s like three of the four essential food groups right there, bro! This is Breakwater Restaurant:

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Now, we’re going all around the world with this first plate: mushroom pizza, breakfast taco, shrimp roll and two kids of salad: potato AND pasta! (Hey, I don’t always eat salad bro, but as long as it’s not all green stuff, we’re good.) The breakfast taco was super-messy; one bite and the egg yolk sprayed all over my face like goat semen at a testicle festival. But the shrimp roll was the best thing on this plate, by far!

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Next up, we’ve got a flaky croissant, deep-fried fish with tartar sauce, a waffle with strawberries, some home-fried potatoes, a couple pepperonis, for added colour, and a whole buncha bacon–because why settle for sausage when you can stuff your face with bacon, bro???

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Of course, I couldn’t wait any longer before hitting up the carving station, son! We’ve got some roast beef, mushroom medley (served cold, unfortunately), foccacia with hummus and a few breakfast sausages, just to make it a two-meat plate. The beef was a little too well-done, but still pretty tasty…

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And hey, you can’t hit up a Sunday brunch buffet without taking a trip to the omelette station. This egg-on-egg action is crammed with ham, mushrooms, onions, tomatoes and cheddar. Plus a whole pile of bacon on the side. Dude, this is body by bacon!!!!

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And YOU KNOW we’ve still got room for dessert, bro!!! There’s a piece of carrot cake, blueberry flan, a double-dose of chocolate square and some chocolate pudding/mousse, with a two-bite brownie and a giant blackberry. It’s like research in motion…heading straight down my piehole!!!!

Slammin’ souvlaki sticks @ Taste of the Danforth

Bro, anybody who knows Toronto knows that the Danforth is the place to go for real-deal Greek food. You’ve got all these funky joints like Astoria, Mezes, Pan on the Danforth… You could probably eat souvlaki for an entire month without stopping at the same place twice. And hey, if you like souvlaki, then Taste of the Danforth is totally the best weekend for it–everybody’s killin’ it and grillin’ it outside on the sidewalk from Friday to Sunday, son!

Of course, this year’s maybe a bit different after some fuckhead decided to shoot a buncha people on the Danforth a couple weeks back. But you know down here we’re Souvlaki Strong–I would put that on a t-shirt and wear it, bro!!!

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The ceremonial first souvlaki of the weekend comes from Asteria Restaurant (not to be confused with Astoria House down the street). This three-dolla chicken stick is iller than a three-dolla bill–tender, juicy, melt in your mouthy, straight off the grill, son!!!

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Now, this ain’t souvlaki, but I’m still gonna shove this skewer straight down my piehole. Katsu Sushi’s serving up some deep-fried squid on a stick, bro!!!

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Now, when you’re down on the Danforth, you can’t just stick-en with the chicken. This pork souvlaki from Anestis Taverna was four bucks, plus it comes with bread. Dude, the bread is the word!!!

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Now, here’s a classic Greek dish done differently. These Phi Slamma Jamma lamb chops from Sushi Delight are marinated in a Japanese teriyaki. They’re supposed to be two for six dollars, but they gave me three cuz I’m baaaaad to the bone, bro!

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Now, I’ve been to Greenwood Smokehouse before for a super-stacked sammy, so when I saw ’em selling brisket on the street, I knew their meat can’t be beat! This beef was nice and tender…but maybe a bit too much sauce, though?

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Now, it was getting a little late at this point, but I’m holding out for a gyro till the end of the night! Hunter’s on the Danforth was just taking the gyro meat off the grill when I stopped by, so you know it’s hot ‘n fresh. Dude, this is like a total eclipse of my mouth, Bro-nnie Tyler!!!!

Cinco tacos locos @ Tacos El Asador

Dude, you know it’s miercoles, which can only mean one thing… Esta tiempo for some tacos, bro! So, we’re hanging out at Tacos El Asador, one of the OG Mexican joints in Toronto–right in the heart of Koreatown. Now, this place has got all kinds of Mexican food: tamales, burritos, tostadas, chicharones…but if you’re not slamming down at least a fistful of tacos here, then you’re definitely doing it wrong!

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So, we’re kicking it off with the chorizo. This zesty Mexican sausage comes covered in traditional taco toppings like lettuce, tomato and pico de gallo. Ay caramba!

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Next up, we’ve got the fish taco. Unlike most places, their fish isn’t breaded and deep-fried…but they totally smother it in mayo, though!

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Now we’re moving on to the carnitas. Don’t let the veggies fool ya–there’s plenty of tasty cow face underneath!!!

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This hunka-funky taco al pastor don’t need no stinkin’ veggies–all we got here is a nice pineapple slice! (And I guess some onions…)

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But you know we’re saving the funkiest of the funky bunch for last, Marky Wahl-bro! This is a birria taco, and no, that doesn’t mean it’s cooked in Corona. This goat taco is baaaad to the bone, bro!!!!

OK, so this place doesn’t have the most Instagrammable tacos–especially if you like pictures of meat. But did I mention that all this and a tallboy of Tecate was just 30 dolares? That’s like a five-taco discount in Flavourtown, hermanito!!!!!

Whole Lotta Curry @ Taste of India Food Festival

Now, I don’t know about you, but my favourite Indian food is the all-you-can-eat buffet. There’s this little place on Yonge St, right next to the Zanzibar, which is too legit to quit, son! So when I heard they were having this funky Indian food fest yesterday in Nathan Phillips Square, with a whole lotta dishes for some low, low prices, I was all over that like yellow on basmati, bro!!!

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So, the first place we hit up had this super-sweet special of two tandoori chicken legs on a whole pile of rice for just five bucks. The chicken was cooked perfectly, not too dry and nicely seasoned, with just a bit of heat. After polishing off a couple of these, I almost didn’t need to eat anything else…but one does not simply go to a food festival and spend just five bucks, Fro-Bro Baggins!!!!

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No, it’s pretty much guaranteed that anything you put in a taco is gonna be tasty–unless we’re talking deep-fried seitan with daiyo cheese or something. But this butter chicken taco was definitely no exception. Pretty sure I couldda slammed 3-4 of these, but then I wouldn’t have room for samosas, son!

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Dude, this Indian trio of deep-fried dough is like a Bollywood blockbuster in Flavourtown! Even without meat, stuffed with peas and potatoes, they’re still pretty taste-tastic. And I don’t even know what that green sauce is, but it’s magically delicious, mighty mighty brosephs!!!

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