I like my bacon black just like my metal!

So, we’re hanging out at Graffiti’s Bar & Grill, this funky little dive in Kensington Market. Normally, you could expect to hear all kinds of music in this joint–there’s even an old, battered piano–but on Sundays, it’s all about the ‘bangers. And no, I don’t mean bangers ‘n mash, bro!

Black Metal Brunch has been a neighbourhood staple for 13 plus years. The bar’s been blasting out heavy riffs and serving up hearty eats to long-haired freaky people every Sunday since back when Limp Bizkit was still cool…and it looks like their prices are still stuck in 2004, bro! I mean, I’m pretty sure a spread like this will set ya back at least $12.50 at Denny’s:

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They call this The Big One, and it’s only nine bucks, son! You’ve got three eggs, two types of bacon–peameal and bacon strips–toast and potatoes, with a couple pieces of fruit for dessert. And this ain’t no skinny sliver of back bacon, bro!!!

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Dude, this is like a breakfast blast beat of blasphemy in Flavourtown! The peameal is about the size of a pork chop, the eggs are scrambled up nicely, you’ve got some seasoning on the potatoes, and rye toast that’s about as black as a Norwegian dance party. All that’s missing is the pointy hat!

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It’s a beef brisket mac ‘n cheese bodycheck, bro!!!!

So, we’re hanging out at Kelly’s Landing, this funky new upscale pub ‘n grub just a Bashin’ Bill Barilko slapshot away from the Scotiabank ACC. This place used to be a Casey’s, but they’ve kicked it up a notch in every way imaginable. They’ve even put in a big-screen so you can watch the game, if you don’t feel like showing up on time!

And the menu’s pretty classy too, with lobster fettuccine, sustainable salmon and some righteous greens (literally, it says “righteous greens” on the menu, bro!) But when I saw they were putting 14-hour smoked brisket on top of mac ‘n cheese, I knew where this dish was landing…straight down my piehole, bro!!!!

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OK, let’s break it downskis. The mac attack is baked, not fried, with an aged cheddar crust. The brisket is basically beef jerky texture, and then you’ve got a little green thing as a garnish. They don’t give you very much food for 11 bucks, though. It’s really just a light pre-game snack in Flavourtown, son!

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But you KNOW we ain’t done there, bro! This tasty trio of fish tacos comes piled high with a pineapple slaw that’s pretty slawsome. You’ve got some mixed greens, avocado mayo and cheddar cheese, with some smoked chili sauce on the side for an extra kick. It’s like a first-line powerplay goal in the Flavourtown Cup Playoffs, bro!

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And these ain’t no tiny little 10-dollar tacos either, Curtis Broseph! You almost need to keep both hands on the stick to throw this one roof-daddy! They might be a little too heavy on the slaw, though. I might wanna get that on the side next time…

I just got a great deal on gyros, bro!

Now, I don’t always eat at food courts, but when I do, I like to funk it up. And Village on the Grange is probably the funkiest food court in the city–this side of the Urban Eatery! You won’t find any chains here bro, except for Mickey D’s. On the other hand, you’ve got vegan, you’ve got Korean, you’ve got sushi and dim sum and pho, oh my!

Oh, and there’s also this family-run Greek joint called Souvlaki House that’s been there for a million years…and they probably haven’t even raised their prices during that time. Cuz you can get a whole plate of food for just fo’ fiddy–and we’re talkin’ meatballs, we’re talkin’ moussaka, and my personal Greek favourite, gyros:

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Nobody really knows what animal gyros come from, but one thing’s for sure, they’re magically delicious! These zesty meat strips go great with tzatziki, and then you’ve got some potatoes, and your choice of side salad. (I went with the coleslaw, which was maybe a mistake.) All that and a can of Arizona will only set ya back about seven bucks…after HST, bro! That’s like a Giannis Antetokounmpo throwdown in Flavourtown!!!!

All-you-can-eat Chinese food? Don’t mind if I do!

Now, you mighta seen the ads for Mandarin on TV, but if you want a real-deal Chinese feast, you gotta head east to Dragon Pearl Buffet, bro! This oriental palace is up by York Mills and Leslie, which is a little outta the way for me, but if there’s all-you-can-eat anything, you know I’m there with flip-flops on! And I didn’t hafta sell my bling-bling at a pawn shop to eat here, either–all this delicious grub will only set ya back 30 bucks after tax! That’s like a five-finger in discount in Flavourtown–or should we say five-plate discount, bro? OK, let’s break it down:

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Our first trip around the sun has me scarfing down some squid, BBQ ribs, dumplings, chicken balls, deep-fried chicken wings, spring rolls, siu mai and some wish buns…which is when you have a steamed bun, and you wish you had some meat in it, son!

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This nutritionally balanced breakfast features two kinds of noodles, a double dose of deep-fried shrimp, Chickity China the Chinese chicken, pineapple-glazed ribs…and I think I mighta buried some beef in there, too!

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For Round 3, we’re throwing down black bean mussels, two kinds of sushi, grilled salmon, sweet ‘n sour chicken, lemon chicken without the sauce (I dun goofed, bro!) and some Peking duck, which I totally turned into a taco:

peking_duck_taco (2)We’re taking this one down to Flavourtown Chinatown, bro!!!!

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Was I getting pretty full at this point? Yeah, a little bit. But YOU KNOW I’ve always got room for prime rib, bro!!!! This fresh-carved beef bomb was a little on the well-done side of medium, but it still goes great with some mashed potatoes, gravy and mini Yorkshire puddings, mate!

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And there’s no way I can slay a buffet without saving room for dessert! This fully loaded sundae is equal parts chocolate and strawberry, with chocolate sprinkles, rainbow sprinkles AND marshmallows! And I probably wouldda had more, too, if they’d given me a bigger bowl….

I just ordered this grilled cheese sandwich in French!

It’s official: the French word for grilled cheese is grilled cheese. This is according to the OLQF, the keeper of the language in Quebec. To celebrate this occasion, instead of ordering up un sandwich au fromage fondu, I headed down to MELTwich for a grilled cheese avec bacon:

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OK, let’s break it down. The bread is nice and toasty, the cheese is ooey-gooey kablooey, and, if there’s one complaint, it’s that there’s probably not enough bacon. On the plus side, at least I wasn’t in violation of any language laws. It turns out that the French word for bacon was already bacon!

 

Getting my money’s worth @ Maison Close

So, we’re hanging out at Maison Close 1888, this funky little gastropub in Kensington Market. This place changes up its menu so often that they can’t post it online, but you’re always gonna get some real-deal, homestyle comfort food, like this hearty-har-har beef stew…and it won’t cost ya a pound of flesh!

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OK, let’s break it down. The beef is super-tender, you’ve got some carrots and potatoes in a nice gravy. And then there’s mashed potatoes on the side, and a big ol’ hunk of buttery bread. And all this for 14 bucks, bro! You won’t get that kinda deal at just any ol’ establishment!

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Not only that, but they’ve got some pretty great taps, too. Normally, when I drink Canuck IPA, it comes in a can, but they’ve got a hook-up at Great Lakes Brewery to serve it straight from the keg–and I gotta say, it’s better that way!

This massive Persian meatball tastes like peace in the Middle East!

So, we’re hanging out at Tabriz Persian Cookhouse, this funky, modern Persian joint up around Bay and Wellesley. Now, you know I loves me some shawarma, but this place is a little more fancy than the shawarma shop across the street, bro. They’re serving up stuff like roast lamb shank, saffron chicken, and this Bomb.com Iranian delicacy, koofteh tabrizi:

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OK, now let’s break it down. You’ve got a massive mound of meat, with fresh herbs, berries and walnuts, and a hunka-hunka burning plumb hidden in the middle. They serve it up in a bowl with a tomato-based broth, and a side of cucumber and tomato salad. Now, I think it mighta been better if you could pour the broth overtop, or maybe had some bread to soak it up…but still, I would put these big balls in my mouth any day, bro!!!!