Everything INCLUDING the kitchen sink fries, bro!!!!

So, we’re hanging out at Hogtown Smoke, this friendly neighbourhood BBQ joint in the Beaches. Now, I heard this place is serving up one of the funkiest starters in town, a redneck take on poutine that’s totally honky-tonk redonkadonk–Kitchen Sink Stacked Fries!

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OK, now let’s break it down. You’ve got some hand-cut, french-fried potaters, topped with pulled pork, cheese, coleslaw, BBQ sauce and a whole buncha root-beer baked beans. It’s like a culinary gangbang in Flavourtown, heading straight down my piehole! But wait, how did that piece of beef get in there???

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We’re talking brontosaurus bone beef rib, bro! Cuz you KNOW those fries was just a small side dish! This marvelous meat sensation tips the scales at 1 pound, 8 ounces–that’s like a culinary food baby in Flavourtown! Dude, this was so much food I almost didn’t finish it. But almost only counts in horseshoes and hand-grenades, son!!!!

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My jerk chicken wrap brings the boys to the yard!

So, check it out. We’re chilling like a villain in the courtyard at Brookfield Place, where they’ve got this local, real-deal, farm-fresh summer market on Wednesdays. There’s these little stalls serving up sausage, veggies and cheese, but the one that everyone lines up for is the Jamaican stand. Not only have they got patties, but they’re funking it up with this double dose of deliciousness–the jerk chicken roti wrap:

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Dude, this is like Caribana in my mouth, bro! You’ve got a multi-layered blanket of cornmeal goodness with some thick chunks of chicken and potato on the inside. The bird is nice and tender, with a good kick, but not too spicy. Washed it down with a ginger beer, which didn’t really soothe my soul–the fizz from the bubbles only put more fire in my wire!!!

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Is this the best pad thai in Toronto?

So, we’re hanging out at Bua Thai, this cozy little Thai joint right at the corner of Av & Dav. This place has got all kinds of curries, satays, soups and fried rice, but for me, it’s all about the pad thai. Now, I’ve never been to Thailand, but I was rockin’ out to “One Night in Bangkok” last night, bro! Check out this funky jam:

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Now, the portions aren’t yuuuge, but this is still a real-deal, full-course meal, bro! You’ve got some steaming hot rice noodles, a couple giant shrimps, some chicken, tofu, bean sprouts, green onion, egg and peanuts–the gang’s all here! And I never eat tofu otherwise, but put it in pad thai, and it’s too legit to quit!!!

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All the flavours are here, and they’re on point. It’s like monsoon season in my mouth, bro! Probably one of the top five pad thais I’ve had–and I think I’ve had about five pad thais, so it’s definitely right up there.

Double Secret Cheeseburger, bro!

Now, what if I told you there was a hidden burger joint at the back of a sports bar next to the Hockey Hall of Fame? Dude, that’s like having your beef and eating it, too! So when I heard about Hidden Burger, nestled inside The Bottom Line on Front Street, I was all over that like cheese on two flame-grilled patties, broseph!!!

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Now, this place serves up burger combos for lunch for just 10 bucks, but for an extra five, you can make it a double. Dude, this is body by double cheeseburger, bro! You’ve got two juicy, melt-aparty patties, a nice gooey smear of cheese, some fresh crisp lettuce, and a bit of kick from the catsup. Fries are nice and crisp, with a buncha pepper on top. I actually ate most of them before taking this picture—there are quite a few to an order!

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This place even makes things more secretive by having a weekly secret burger. I dunno if they even tell you what’s in it before you order—that’s pretty outta bounds, bro! But you really don’t need any secret ingredients when you serve up a classic double cheeseburger like this one. It’s by far the best burger I’ve ever eaten out of the back of a sports bar—and you don’t even hafta be put on double secret probation to get it!

Eat or get off the hot pot, bro!!!!

Now, when it comes to all you can eat, I’m all over it, dude! Man, I’ve crushed some all you can eat wings, all you can eat tacos, all you can eat sushi and even all you can eat Brazilian seafood (although that place has since shut down). But this place–this whole concept, really–was totally new to me. All you can eat hot what???

So, we’re hanging out at Chine Legendary Hot Pot & Noodles, right in the heart of downtown Chinatown, just a couple blocks from Dundas and Spadina. Like an AYCE sushi joint, they give you a menu card to fill out with all sorts of meat ‘n veggies–and then you pick your own broth, which comes in a pot, which they put on top of a burner in front of you, like so:

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So, the boiling water cooks all the meat, fish ‘n veggies in a matter of minutes, then you just hafta scoop it out and shovel it straight down your piehole, bro!

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It’s like steak ‘n mushrooms gone wild in Flavourtown, son!!!

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I never knew that lobsters had balls…but these lobster balls are outta bounds, bro!!!

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This forkful’s like “I see your steak ‘n mushroom, and raise you lamb and mushroom, bro!”

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Now, I don’t remember who ordered the spam, or why I thought eating spam would be a good idea, but it turns out that even after heating it up in a hot pot, spam does not taste good!!!!

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Oh, did I mention there were noodles, too? These thick, springy ropes of Udon put the Noodles in Chine Legendary Hot Pot & Noodles!

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It’s a bacon mac ‘n cheese grilled cheese burger, bro!!!!

So, we’re hanging out at MELTwich, this friendly neighbourhood sandwich shop on Richmond Street in downtown Toronto. Now, YOU KNOW this is body by grilled cheese, and they aim to please with all sorts of cheesy sammies, son! You’ve got a chicken club, a steak melt, chipotle tuna…even a goat cheese ‘n mushroom melt, bro! But dude, anytime there’s a burger on the menu, I’m probably gonna order it. This here’s the Monster Melt, and it’s a graveyard sm…elt?

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OK, so maybe that doesn’t rhyme, but nothing rhymes with funkalciousness, bro! This honky-tonk redonkadonk mouth candy has got bacon, it’s got lettuce, pickles, onions, tomatoes–and oh yeah, mac ‘n cheese between two grilled cheese sandwich buns! The last time I saw this much mactastic cheesaliciousness, I was at the Mac ‘n Cheese Festival, homes!

Now, I gotta say, this burger was pretty darn messy. There’s really nothing to hold the mac attack together, so it pretty much just slid out of the back of the bun, and I had to scoop it up with a fork. But man, that patty was on point, nicely seasoned, the veggies were fresh and crisp, and that chipotle sauce added a nice little kick. The grilled cheese buns weren’t pretty, but they got the job done!

Man, this has gotta be in the top three grilled cheese burgers I’ve ever had. But of course, it’s not nearly as outta-bounds as the one at the top of the list! Can I get a little Metallica to go, bro???

And I ran… straight into this Flock of fried chickens!!!

Now, I had been hearing good things about Flock, this funky ol’ chicken shack on Harbord Street, for a little while–and now, I finally got the chance to check it out. Basically, if you’re going here, you’ll have the chicken. And man, this place has everything: chicken soup, chicken salad, winner winner chicken dinner, chicken sammies, chicken tacos… But you know I like my chicken fried just about as much as a cold beer on a Friday night–so me, I’m gonna order the five-piece fried chicken platter:

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Dude, this basket is so far outta bounds. it ended up on the opposite fairway–yuuup, that’s a golf reference, bro! The chicken is super-hot and crispy, straight outta the fryer, and you’ve got a tangy pickle, crunchy slaw, a hot, buttery biscuit and a whole mess of hot sauce on the side. Duuude, Whole Mess of Hot Sauce on the Side was my nickname in Sunday school!!!

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Of course, that hot sauce tastes even better when you smother it on a drumstick! It’s got a creamy, buttery kick that goes great with the crunchaliciousness of the chicken, and a couple bites of pickle’ll cool it off nicely. Dude, this is like dinner AND a movie for one in Flavourtown! And you know I made sure there was no crumb left behind, bro!!!!!

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