You know me, this is body by steak, bro!!! We’re hanging out at Morton’s The Steakhouse, right in downtown Toronto at the Park Hyatt Hotel. Now, they might doing all kinds of construction next door, but they’re still serving up steaks inside…like this bad boy, the 22 oz bone-in ribeye:
In case you’re wondering what 1,360 calories of primo beef looks like, you’re looking at it bro!!! This cow’s so country, it’s practically mooing on the plate! And then you’ve got sides of seasonal wild mushrooms and horseradish mash — dude, horseradish mash was my favourite dance in gym class!!!
Of course, you KNOW I ate everything on that plate, cept for the bone…
…and I still had room for dessert!!!
Feast your eyes on this big ol’ piece of hot chocolate cake, son! It’s rich on the outside, gooey on the inside, with a scoop of vanilla, some caramel drizzle and a couple of raspberries on top. After scarfing down this sexy thing, you KNOW I believe in miracles, bro!!!
Now, I know what you’re thinking… What would a place with a name like Wallace possibly know about tacos, bro??? And hey, I hear ya. Not gonna lie, I wasn’t so sure myself. But after pulling some core mussels at the Wallace Gastropub last summer, I knew their seafood was pretty legit–so we’re heading back for Taco Wednesdays (yes, Wednesdays), where they’re serving up three fully loaded flour tortillas for just $10.95!!!!
Now, for that price, you could get chicken or fish, but a legit shrimp taco is something you definitely don’t see every day. And lemme tell ya, these babies bring the heat! You’ve got some mixed greens, cilantro, cheese and add-your-own guac, but man, it’s all about the shrimp, son! These big ‘n meaty sea creatures are served up in a sneaky spicy chipotle sauce that’ll make you order another beer or two. Good thing they’ve got some pretty decent craft beers on tap…
Speaking of things you don’t see every day, this Muskoka Black Raspberry Thunder IPA combines the tarty sweetness of raspberries with the slight hoppiness of a not-too-bitter pale ale. And at $7.50 a pint, you can probably drink enough of these that you’re totally taking the TTC home, bro!!!!
Now, I’m not really the biggest fan of tapas — if I gotta share food, it means that someone else isn’t getting very much. Flavourtown is all about survival of the fattest, bro! But I heard there’s this funky little joint on College with some crazy craft beers and a solid selection of seafood, chorizo and potatoes…which are a few of my favourite things, so you know I had to check it out! Bienvenidos a Bar Isabel!!!
So, we’re starting out with some mussels from, well, probably not Brussels, but Barcelona, I guess? One thing I know is that these mussels escabeche are pretty Van Damme delicious! It’s a dish served cold, with a tangy sauce, and some little onions and peppers for that extra roundhouse kick!!!
Now, if you’re serving up a dish that translates to brave potatoes, then you KNOW I’m gonna hafta take the plunge. These patatas bravas are coming in hot out of the oven, smothered in sour cream and hot sauce, and topped with green onions and cilantro. I could eat this all day, bro — but I still gotta save room for chorizo!
These snack-sized sausages were pretty much on point. Cooked to the right temperature, with a bit of sweet, a bit of heat, and that good ol’ garlicky aftertaste that’s like a breath mint in Flavourtown. This is one sausagefest you don’t wanna miss!!!
Of course, when it comes to this Spanish feast, I’m skipping right past the vino and heading straight to the craft beer, bro! This ice cold bottle of Er Boqueron is imported from Spain, and brewed with Mediterranean sea water for a crisp, refreshing taste. This is one cerveza that makes that joke about having sex in a canoe seem like not such a bad thing after all…
Now, I only made it out to one funky joint for Winterlicious this year, cuz I was somewhere on a beach, Dierks Bro-ntly! But I figured if I was only gonna do one place for Winterlicious, it was gonna be this funky steakhouse right in the heart of Yorkville. We’re gettin’ some, gettin’ some at STK, son!
Now, when I heard this joint was serving up double-smoked Applewood bacon as an appetizer, you KNOW I was all over that like fat on pork, bro! This steak-sized piece of back bacon totally reeks of unctuousness, with a balsamic BBQ sauce, holy shiitake shrooms and some red hot chili peppers, for that extra kick. Give it away, give it away, give it away now!!!!
Of course, we’re still saving room for the main event. This 8 oz strip was definitely on the well-done side of medium rare, but it still had some nice juices, with mashed potatoes, black trumpet mushrooms, and onions two ways–agrodolce and crispy-fried. Dude, this is body by agrodolce, bro!!!
Now, this chocolate brownie was pretty outta bounds. You’ve got rich, moist chocolate, dulce de leche ice cream, dehydrated raspberries and a maple bourbon sauce??? Shut the front, back and side doors, son!!!!
Now, it’s pretty safe to say that Triple B isn’t that big on vegan food. After all, two of the three B’s are quite meaty. But y’know, a little while back, we were hanging out at FuBar, this cozy heavy metal dive with a vegan pizza place downstairs, and their vegan poutine pizza was pretty legit, so I figured I’d pop in to Apiecalypse Now for their slice of a fast-food burger classic.
They call this the Fat Mac, and it’s got a lot going on here. First of all, the shredded dill pickle, diced lettuce and their vegan fat mac sauce capture the taste of Mickey D’s to a T. The crust is nice and crispy, and I don’t even mind the plant-based cheddar cheese. But as I’m shoving this down my piehole, I’ve only got one question: Where’s the beef, bro???
Now, they don’t say what their “ground not beef” is made of, but it does not taste like beef–or like much of anything, really. These sad little overcooked crumbs of plant-based protein really don’t cut through the lettuce, the pickle, or even the cheese sauce…they’re just kinda flavourless. If you ordered a Big Mac without the burger, it might taste something like this.
Hey man, I’ll never turn my back on a bar that was playing my favourite Weedeater song when I first walked in…but next time I think I’ll go with their Slayer!!!1!!!11!! pie instead.
And yes, that is actually a thing…
Now, these funky little Asian dessert joints are popping up all over this city, whether it’s in Chinatown, Little Tokyo or right in the heart of Koreatown, like this joint, Poop Cafe. You know this place is the shit when their seats are made of toilets, bro!!!
And lemme tell ya, you might wanna pop a squat after eating here! They’ve got all kinds of funky, outta-bounds desserts like milkshakes, waffles and this chocolately take on a Korean classic, Bing Poo:
Dude, this toilet bowl is overflowing with shaved ice, almonds, brownie bites, and a great big scoop of Nutella gelato, with a shit-shaped hard candy on top. You might need a courtesy flush after finishing this one, especially when you wash it down with a Unicorn Hot Chocolate:
Dude, this drink is the shiznit — and shiznit is good! You’ve got a toilet-shaped mug, with a swirl of chocolate and Fruit Loops stuck to the bowl. And then on top, you’ve got enough cotton candy to feed a family of four at a fun fair!!! Once you get past all that, then it’s right down to the chocolately, marshmallowy goodness:
Now, I’d hate to be the guy who has to do this dishes here… But hey, it probably beats cleaning toilets?
Now, it probably goes without saying that everything tastes better with cheese–that’s like the first rule of Flavourtown, bro! So, when I find out there’s this funky Indian joint on Yonge St, and they’ve got this cheesy take on tandoori chicken, you KNOW I’m all over that like Donkey Kong…if Donkey Kong ate chicken. This is Khau Gully‘s Nazakaat-E-Murg, heading straight down my piehole:
OK, now let’s break it down. You’ve got a nice, tender chicken breast, marinated in tandoori spices, cooked in a clay pot oven and swimming in a sea of cheese. And then when you cut it open, there’s even more cheese inside:
Dude, I didn’t even know that cheese-stuffed chicken could be considered Indian food, but lemme tell ya, I sooo wanna go to whatever part of India this dish is from, son!!!