Redneck Recipes

Destroying DIY Cincinnati 5-way chili during the Super Bowl, bro!

Now, the Cincinnati Bengals might not have won Super Bowl LVI — but as a Seahawks fan, there’s no way in hell I was gonna cheer for the Rams. So I decided to kick my Super Bowl party up a notch with Cincy’s finest culinary creation — 5-Way Skyline Chili. We’re talking spaghetti, kidney beans, chili, onions and cheese, all on one plate, son! Just another light snack in Flavourtown?

Now, since we don’t really know how to cook on Triple B, I went and got the five ingredients from my local grocery store. Basically, all that’s left to do is boil the pasta, dice the onion, heat up the chili and drain the beans, and we’re good to go…

I used about half the box of spaghetti, which was a perfect al dente after 10 minutes. And since I dunno when I’ll ever need kidney beans again, I put the entire can on top. While they did cover the plate perfectly, I probably used too many…

Now, the chili selection at my local Metro was pretty limited — it was basically just Campbell’s or one other brand, and both of them had beans. As I was pouring it on, I thought a whole can of chili might be too much, but it doesn’t quite cover the plate and gets pretty much absorbed into the other ingredients.

While I only used about a quarter of the onion I bought at the store, that was plenty of onion to go around. And probably a lot more than I needed, too…

Final step is to cover the whole thing in cheese, which works for me. While the cheese is cold at the beginning, it does warm up and melt a bit after the first few bites.

Now, when you do get all the ingredients into one bite, it really comes together. I mean, it’s less like chili, and more like spaghetti nachos, with the onions, beans and cheese adding a bit of southern comfort. The only problem was that I did not get my ingredient ratio right — the last 10-15 bites were mostly just onions and beans, with the odd noodle thrown in. And the cold beans and cold cheese kinda takes away from the hot noodles and chili. But my biggest mistake was not having enough chili to go around. If I ever make this again, I’m gonna need a bigger can…

And while I did polish off this whole plate of (less than) perfection last night, I am really paying for it today. Let’s just say that, in the words of The Great Cornolio, I need TP for my bunghole right about now…

Ain’t no thing but a turkey wing!!!

Now, I’ll admit that I’m not really the biggest Thanksgiving fan. I don’t normally like turkey unless it’s been dry-rubbed and smoked, bro! But when I saw these frickin yuuuge turkey wings at Longo’s, I figured I’d give ’em a shot. I had done Buffalo turkey wings a little while back–but those were drums and flats. This not-so-little wing is about the size of a dinner plate:

So, I smothered this bad boy in Diana’s Gourmet Original BBQ Sauce, then chucked ‘er in the oven for half an hour at 425. I gotta say, getting through this monstrosity was pretty tricky. I needed to use a fork and knife for some parts, and bite through other bits with my teeth. But I definitely got ‘r done, son–and I still had room for dessert! Too bad I didn’t have any leftover pumpkin pie…

How to make TheBomb.ca beef ribs at home

I fucking love beef ribs, bro!!!! Whether it’s eating them for breakfast at a ribfest, a whole whack of them for 19 bucks at Smoke Bourbon, or finding them on special at one of the many great BBQ joints all over this city, if you’re asking “Where’s the beef?” the answer is straight down my piehole, son! But one thing I’ve never done was try to make them at home. So when I saw beef ribs on special at Longo’s, I figured I’d give’r a go. Here’s how that all went down:

OK, so first of all, I found this recipe on the internet for insane-in-the-membrane beef ribs, so I knew it had to be good. The recipe says to boil ’em for 20 minutes while you preheat the oven and prepare the sauce. But I ain’t got stuff like red wine, brown sugar or curry powder ’round here, so instead, I reached for my old friend Bull’s-Eye. It’s the official sauce of the Stampede, son!

But this ain’t any old BBQ sauce–it’s Guinness BBQ sauce, bro! Pretty sure I bought this on St. Patty’s Day on the way home from Pogue Mahone, cuz the seal was already broken ‘n shit…but it’s all good in the Flavourhood, homes!

So, once the ribs came out of the pot, I smothered ’em in enough Guinness sauce to drown an Irishman, then stuck ’em in the oven for half an hour. The recipe said to pour the remaining sauce overtop, but since I didn’t measure, that just meant more saucy goodness for me!!!

So now, here comes the fun part. At this point, these ribs have taken me 50 minutes to prepare, and I’m so hungry I could eat a flip-flop with nothing on it, and it would still taste good! Alas, these ribs weren’t quite the stuff that legends are made of. I shouldda cut the fat off the back first, and probably didn’t need to cook them so long–but that’s not to say I didn’t lick my plate clean like KISS with no makeup, bro!

Buffalo-style Thanksgiving with Fieri sauce, son!

Now, for me, a pound of Buffalo wings is just a light snack, but when I came across these turkey wings at the grocery store, I figured I wouldn’t hafta pound as many to be fully in my belly. And dude, Longo’s was selling these in pairs for less than two bucks a pop, so you know I had to go all Eddie Money and take some home tonight!

Now, this picture isn’t as zoomed in as you think–these wings are like chicken wings on steroids, son! I was wondering how long to cook ’em; some sites said a couple hours at 350, but I wouldn’t even spend a couple hours watching Metallica in concert, so I turned the heat up to 425 and put ’em in for 20 minutes a side:

But of course, it isn’t Buffalo without the wing sauce. And there’s only one wing sauce this side of the Anchor Bar that’s heading straight down my piehole, dude. I could literally eat this stuff off a flip-flop…but hey, it’s winter boot season, bro!

After tossing the wings in the sauce in a metal bowl, I threw ’em down with some jalapeno pita chips and an ice-cold Landshark Lager, the really-just-a-dolphin of beers:

Now, this meal was so outta bounds, it was wider right than Scott Norwood! The wings were super-tender, nice kick from the sauce, and the chips were crunchalicious…although even less spicy than a Wendy’s chicken sandwich. But who needs spicy chips with spicy wings, anyways?

Well OK, this guy does. Next time, I’ll hafta get Miss Vicky’s instead!

Time for a take ‘n bake tourtière, mon frère!

Now, when it comes to French-Canadian comfort food, it doesn’t get more comfortable than tourtière…especially if you put it on top of a poutine. Hey, I actually did that once, and it wasn’t so bad. But that was just a frozen tourtière from the grocery store, bro! Here’s we’re talking a real-deal, made-from-scratch meat pie that you take home and bake yourself. They even give you directions…

So, Bannock is this real-deal funky joint on Bay Street serving up all kinds of Canadian cuisine. I’ve been there a couple times before, and the food’s pretty legit. When they make tourtière, you know they’re making it right, with Ontario venison and pork shoulder. It even comes with au jus on the side, son!

The only problem I had with the directions is they said to wrap it in foil. Unfortunately, I was all out of aluminum foil after singing karaoke with Weird Al, so I had to improvise a bit. Hey, if you put an aluminum pan on top, it’s sorta the same thing, right? But hey, it actually turned out alright:

OK, so the pie didn’t poof up like it was supposed to, but it was still super tasty. You’ve got the richness of the ground venison, a flaky, chewy crust, and some hunka-hunka huge chunks of pork. And then you pour the hot, steamy jus all over it—it’s like a taste explosion in my mouth, son!

I could probably pound four or five of these pies, easy, but at 12 bucks a pop…maybe I’ll just eat three. Although you can get a full-sized tourtière that supposedly feeds six—you just gotta call ahead so the chef can make it for ya. Might be worth trying next time?

I don’t always eat salad, but when I do, I put a buncha bacon in it!

OK, so here’s the deal. Sometimes, after chowing down on three kinds of BBQ, lobster nachos and a 67-ounce steak, I need something light and leafy, that actually has vegetables. But hold the queeno bro, cuz this ain’t no health food:

What we’ve got here is some chicken breast, cucumbers, swiss cheese, a hard-boiled egg in the middle and about three full slices of bacon. Cuz hey, the only way I’ll eat lettuce is if it’s touching bacon. Now, I’ve had some manly salads in my day, but this one’s definitely right up there. I’d even eat it off a beach sandal!

How to make a better Swiss Mushroom Melt than Harvey’s

As far as limited-time offers go, Harvey’s swiss mushroom melt is far superior to its puketastic pulled-pork sandwich. (Trust me, you should be glad you missed it.) But it’s still not next-level, shut-the-front-door, supercalifragilsitic burger bliss, bro. So I’ve decided to make me a better one.

So, I started with these Butcher’s Cut beef burgers, which were on sale at Longo’s. I don’t always buy frozen burgers, but when I do, I fry ‘em up in a goddamn pan:

Now, once I got the burgers cooked on one side, I drop the cheese on top, so it melts right in. They don’t do this at Harvey’s, but they should, cuz it makes shit taste better. I also chuck some mushrooms into the pan, although I don’t think it makes much difference, cuz they came out of a can.

Now, that’s a pair of pretty good burgers right there, but hold on to yer seatbelts, cuz I’m about to kick it into overdrive! I’m adding some jala-at-yer-pino peppers and some crunchy Rold’s Gold pretzels to take these burgers to the next level:

OK, let’s break it down. You’ve got some nice backyard BBQ flavour from the beef, with some melty, chewy cheese, a little heat from the peppers, and an added crunch from the pretzels. I’ve also added some honey garlic BBQ sauce for just a little bit of sweetness. Dude, this dish takes Harvey’s down to downtown Flavourtown, flips it upside down, and goes back up for the rebound. These burgers are bananas, bro, and bananas are good!

This Donald Trump sandwich is full of bologna and B.S.

So, here’s the deal. Waaaay back in January, when Donald Trump running for president was just a silly joke, a Vermont deli was serving up this special sandwich when The Donald came to town:

But I guess nobody’s a big fan of bologna in Burlington, cuz not a single person ordered it. I can’t say I blame them–$20.16 is quite the price to pay for a whole crapload of bologna! But as Trump continues to put his foot in his mouth on the campaign trail, I figured it was time to put his sandwich in mine. That’s right, I am about to become the first to consume The Donald* in sandwich form!

OK, so I couldn’t find any white American cheese here in Canada. I’m not even sure if that’s a thing. But I figured I’d substitute some Cracker Barrel Swiss, since I’ve heard that white Americans like to eat there. Although, this so-called Swiss cheese has no holes in it, unlike The Donald’s so-called foreign policy…

I figured a sandwich like this should have no fewer than six strips of bacon, which is the number of times Trump’s filed for bankruptcy plus the number of times he’s filed for divorce. I’m taking this one straight to bacon court!

OK, so while I did use spicy deli mustard, I made sure it wasn’t allowed on the cutting board with the bologna and the white bread. Because we don’t build walls here in Canada, bro!

The Donald and this sandwich even go to the same barber, although I think the sandwich has a slightly better mustard cut…

And here’s how it looks when you put it altogether. I was originally thinking of going double-decker, but that’s no way I could fit all that into my mouth, bro. You’ve got a whole lotta meaty flavour from all the bologna, a nice chew from the bacon, some sharpness from the cheese, and a nice kick from the mustard. The tomato adds a bit of tang, but I probably didn’t add enough lettuce. Then again, I don’t think The Donald has an environmental policy, so it’s probably best to stay away from the green stuff…

Now, I know what you’re thinking. Can somebody really stomach all that bologna in one sitting? Well, I gotta say, I started off pretty good, taking nice big bites cuz I was hungry as a hippo. After a while, it got kinda hard to chew, and the white bread started to crumble under all that bologna. When I was getting toward the end, it was tough just to keep all the bologna down. I thought I was about to hurl, bro…just like when I saw Trump talking about abortion!

But I did eventually make it through, after some hard swallows and long gulps of iced tea. I would definitely not eat that much bologna again, though. Here’s hoping they serve up some Ted Cruz breakfast tacos at the Republican Convention**!

*according to the Kountry Kart Deli recipe. A D.C. diner made a Trumpwich of its own, but it’s missing a few key ingredients…

**Not that I would vote for Cruz. When it comes to fellow Calgarians, I’d go with country and western star Theo Fleury for president over that asshat!!!

It’s like Boars Gone Wild, bro!

So, yesterday I went to Maple Leaf Loblaws, which was the only grocery store open on Easter Sunday. (I guess they don’t like Easter eggs, or something.) I don’t go there very often, but when I do, I find all kinds of funky frozen food—Chili’s chicken fajita rice bowls, Greek chicken souvlaki pizza, and some of the best frozen burritos I’ve ever tasted. Oh, and then there’s this:

Man, the last time I had sanglier, I was getting drunk on a plane with Gérard Depardieu! (Too bad I made it to the bathroom before he did…) I wouldn’t normally buy wild boar, but it was on sale for $6.99, so I figured it was worth a shot. Wasn’t sure how to cook it, but I figured since it was steak, I could probably just throw it in a frying pan with some semi-sauteed onions, et voila:

Wild boar steak frites, bro! You got a nice crispness from the fries, a little crunch from the onions (which were a little undercooked) and a nice medium-rare boar. Y’know, it does kinda taste like steak, but it’s kinda got a bit of a livery texture to it. Not that I’ve had liver and onions lately—it’s never on sale at Longo’s, bro!

So, I know what you’re thinking: what could I possibly be drinking to wash this down? I got two words for ya… Molson Dry!

If Molson Canadian is the national beer of Canada, then Molson Dry is the national beer of Quebec. Cuz when you wanna get Montreal wasted, buvez Molson Dry!^TM

…and on the next day, he made poutine!

OK, so here’s the deal. After Nothing But Nachos Week, where I chowed down on some crazy sausagefest nachos, bacon cheeseburger nachos and poutine nachos, to name just a few, I still had a buncha stuff left over. And you know what I say, when life gives you leftovers, make a mean poutine! This one’s so epic, I hafta give it to ya in steps:

Step 1 (tastes like a beer): You’ve got your Extra Crispy McCain Superfries and your Maple Dale cheese curds, which I snatched at Maple Leaf Loblaw’s.

Step 2 (tastes a bit better than 1): Throw on some sautéed green peppers, onions, and chorizo sausage, which I cooked the other day and reheated in a frying pan.

Step 3 (la piece de mar…erm, résistance): Throw down some fried meatballs and gravy. Bro, if I was a country music duo, my name would be Meatballs & Gravy!

So let me break it down to the fact,

You will never make poutine like that,

Unless you step up to the plate with a bat…

That’s all I gotta say about that!

(Somebody Snapchat Scott Borchetta, I think I smell a hit!)

Dude, this dish belongs in the Poutine Hall of Fame, no doot aboot it! I haven’t put this much meat in my mouth since that one time at band camp, when I won the chili-eating contest. And yes, I did finish the whole thing:

Don’t be doubting me, bro!!!!

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