Redneck Recipes

Can one man survive for seven days on nachos alone?

So, I’ve decided to go on a diet. Inspired by Maryland’s mythical man Dan Janssen, who has survived on nothing but pizza for the past 25 years, I am going to improve my health next week by eating nothing but chips ‘n cheese:

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(Oh, I also stocked up on Pepto, y’know, cuz I figured I might need it…)

But unlike Dan “The Man” Janssen, I don’t plan on only eating cheese nachos. I mean, there are so many different things I can put on top of nacho chips that I figure I can still maintain a balanced diet over seven days—it just might be a little high in carbs.

That being said, I could use a little inspiration in coming up with the funkiest, off-the-hook, TheBomb.ca combinations to put on top of these Tostitos. What’s the craziest thing you’ve ever eaten on nachos? Leave a comment below and let me know, bro!

A perfect wine pairing… for the sophisticated frozen-food conoisseur!

(Originally written February 5, 2013)

Soooo, I was making dinner the other day, Stouffer’s Skillet Sensations, when I noticed this printed on the packaging.  They suggest wine pairings–in this case, Lindeman’s Bin 65 chardonnay–for their frozen food!  I guess this is perfect for an alcoholic who spends all their money on booze, and doesn’t have time to cook…

Alas, I did not enjoy a glass of Bin 65 chardonnay with my chicken alfredo, but rather a nice big glass of Beatrice 2% milk.

Who needs real cheese when you’ve got salsa con queso?

OK, so here’s the deal. This one time, I was making mac ‘n cheese, and I realized that I was all out of Cheestrings and Cheez-Its. So, to solve this dilemma, I reached into my nacho drawer, and pulled out this jar of good times:

mac_n_queso

Luckily, I still had some left over from that time I ate 10 Doritos Locos Tacos, so I poured it into the pot, and boom goes the cheesamite!

How to make a better cheesesteak than the Air Canada Centre

Now, I’ve been to the ACC a buncha times, and I gotta say, some of their food options are OK. I would totally recommend the roast beef sandwich at the Real Sports stand—if you’re sitting in the lower bowl, they can even bring it to your seat! But I would definitely advise against ordering their sorry excuse for cheesesteak from one of the other places. Not unless you like eating subway shoe leather served on a crappy hotdog bun with some sorry-ass cheese sauce. Let’s just say that if the ACC’s cheesesteak was a Spinal Tap album, it would be Shark Sandwich. (Love those guys, by the way!)

In fact, I was so infuriated after paying $10.50 for this garbage that I set out to make my own, using only a frying pan and a cutting board. Cuz hey, you don’t hafta be fancy to make a steak sandwich!

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OK, so here’s what I did. I took some steak, some onions and some peppers, slapped ‘em up with a Slap Chop, and threw ‘em in a goddamn pan on medium for five freakin’ minutes. The end result was delicious. Tell me you wouldn’t pay $10.50 for this:

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So hey, if you happen to see me hanging out at the upcoming Motley Crue reunion tour, then no, that isn’t a cheesesteak in my pants—I’m just happy to see Tommy Lee! 😉

Guy Fieri’s Buffalo NY Wing Sauce brings Buffalo north of the border

Now, I’ve been to the Anchor Bar, aka Temple of the Buffalo Wing, a whole buncha times. You might even see my license plate on the wall, but you’ll hafta guess which one it is… Lemme tell ya, though, I would fill the gas tank of a ’67 Camaro with their wing sauce if it didn’t cost me a boatload in border taxes! There are very few wing joints in Toronto that perfectly capture that tangy, buttery taste of an authentic Buffalo wing (hot tip: there’s one at the corner of Bloor and Walmer in The Annex), so when my last bottle of Anchor Bar sauce ran out, I had to find me a replacement in the grocery aisle:

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Now, what does Guy Fieri know about buffalo sauce? I mean, he does serve donkey sauce at his NYC joint in Times Square, but that’s a totally different animal! Let’s face it, this bleach-blond broseph is about as Buffalo as Leon Lett. (Still too soon?) I probably wouldn’t have even bought this sauce, if it wasn’t 50% off. They normally charge like eight bucks for a jar of this stuff!

But as soon as I tasted it, I knew that Guy Fieri’s Buffalo NY Wing Sauce was bananas, and bananas are good. I don’t know how he did it—I’m guessing he got Kid Rock to smuggle the secret recipe across the Buffalo/Detroit border in a faux-leopard cowboy hat—but the dude manages to capture the true taste of Buffalo in this bottle. If this sauce was any more authentic, it would have tears of Bills fans baked right in! Can you say “Winner, winner, double-down Buffalo chicken burger dinner?”

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OK, let’s break it down. What you’ve got here are two frozen—never fresh—chicken burger patties dunked in Guy Fieri’s Buffalo NY Wing Sauce, topped with blue cheese squares and Hickory Sticks, the greatest chips of all time (says so right here) and joined together in holy matrimony inside an oversized onion bun. Let’s face it, this is basically Guy Fieri in chicken burger form. It even has the same haircut! 😉

OK, so maybe I should’ve used a smaller bun, but hey, who’s counting carbs when you can be counting down to some NFL playoff action…unless you live in Buffalo. (2025 AFC East champs, baby!)

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Much to my dismay, Guy Fieri’s salsa verde tastes nothing like hairspray…

(Originally written November 21, 2014)

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Picked this bad boy up at my local grocery store.  While I wouldn’t normally pay, like, eight bucks for a jar of hot sauce, this isn’t your ordinary green salsa, no sir!  You’ve got the creaminess of the xanthan gum, a nice tang from the dextrose and yeast extract, and the “natural fire roast flavor,” which adds a nice kick.  This salsa is so “money” it’s green!  (It actually says that on the other side of the jar.)  And while I wouldn’t put it on a flip-flop, it’s still pretty bananas–and bananas is good!  Can you say “Winner Winner, Fridge Pizza Dinner?”

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Let’s break it down, here.  You’ve got some mini pita bread, warmed up in the microwave, slathered in Guy’s special sauce, with a buncha Parmesan cheese dumped on top.  Shut the front door!  OK, so it ain’t no chicken base ‘n garlic salt…but this dish was still better than those cold pork tacos I had at Guy’s American Kitchen and Bar!

(More on those later…)