Funky French/German sausage feast @ Le Sélect Bistro!

Dude, we’re hanging out at Le Sélect Bistro, this funky French joint just south of downtown Chinatown that’s been cranking it out and dishing it up since 1977 — it’s like the Plastic Bertrand of Flavourtown! And with a brunch menu serving all kinds of French comfort-food classics, you KNOW Ça plane pour moi, bro!!!!

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This here’s their choucroute garnie a l’Alsacienne, a quadruple pork party from the German border. You’ve got chunks of bacon, pork hock, and not one, but two kinds of sausages — Strasbourg and Montbeliard, served up on a bed of sauerkraut. But the housemade dijon mustard is what makes it!!!!!!!

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Bro, I would sooo put that on a flip-flop! And of course, because it’s 5 o’clock in France, we’re washing it down with a Belgian beer:

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Now, any beer with both “Grim” and “Bergen” in its name and you know it’s gonna be evil! I first had this double amber at Bodega, and it actually went down a bit smoother this time… A couple more of these and I’d be on my way to kill Euronymous!!!

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Of course, even after scarfing down four kinds of pork and practically a pound of sauerkraut, you KNOW I still had room for dessert. This mini dark chocolate mousse was topped with fresh berries and served with a passionfruit cookie — so at least I got one serving of fruit today.

These ain’t yer grandpappy’s Buffalo wings, bro!

So we’re hanging out at Big Ditch Brewing Company, this funky craft brewpub in the city that put the Buffalo in Buffalo wings. But at this joint, they don’t just toss ‘em in Frank’s Red Hot and butter – they’ve got a secret ingredient, their Hayburner IPA.

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Now, these wings are super-crispy, straight outta fryer and very lightly sauced, with a side of blue cheese – dude, this is body by blue cheese! I went with mine medium, after the server said the only guy who likes ‘em hot is a fireman who burned off all the nerves in his tongue. I gotta say, there was not a whole lotta heat here…but I still hosed ‘em down with a couple beers, bro!

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This is a pint of Lemon-Lime Pineapple Breeze, a seasonal special from their not-quite-winter menu. You’ve got a light, fruity, crushable wheat ale with pineapple juice, lemon zest and dry hops, for that little extra kick.

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Now, after pounding that plate of wings, I still had room for some liquid dessert! This Cinnamon Apple Amber Ale is brewed with apple cider, cinnamon, allspice, oatmeal and brown sugar, and tastes pretty much the way it sounds. Still better than last year’s Mill St. Christmas beer, though!

This double cheeseburger isn’t quite a slam dunk…

So, we’re hanging out at Dunk Burgers & Chocolate, this funky little joint that just opened up on Queen St, a couple blocks west of Bathurst. Dude, this body is 50% burgers and 50% chocolate, so you KNOW I had to come check it out — and everything on the menu was 50% off for the first two weeks!!!!!!!!!

Now, this place has got 10 different burgers and chicken sammies to choose from — not even counting the Beyond Meat burger. This was the hardest decision I had to make all week, but I ended up going with the Got Cheddar, with its deep-fried pickles, over The O, which is topped with onion rings. I just don’t think I can get a better onion ring than the ones I had in Buffalo a couple weeks ago, bro!!!

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Now, they definitely don’t shortchange ya on the cheese — and they also go pretty heavy on the BBQ sauce. But I was expecting some crispy, crunchy, pickle spears…and instead I got a couple pickle chips, which did not seem to have come Straight Outta Fryer. And hey, I get that they’re new, but they broke the First Rule of Flavourtown — when I asked to add (beef) bacon, they told me they were all out!!! 😮 😮 😮

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Also, it’s probably worth mentioning that you can’t order any regular French-fried potaters here — they either had sweet potato waffle fries or home fries, which were described to me as “potato wedges” but are clearly more like your friendly neighbourhood hash browns. Don’t get me wrong, I would eat hash browns for breakfast, brunch, and post-Van-Halen-concert snack…but this might be the first time I’ve ever had ’em for dinner?

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OK, so that burger might not have been as baller as Kawhi throwing down on Giannis, but they’re definitely kicking it up a notch for dessert. This here’s the Cookie Monster, and it’s yummy, yummy, yummy in my tummy, son! You’ve got cookies, you’ve got brownies, you’ve got ice cream topped with not one, not two, but three kinds of Belgian chocolate drizzle!? Shut the front, back AND side doors, bro! Next time I’m coming here, I think I might skip right to dessert…

Taming the Beast Burger @ Northern Maverick

So, we’re hanging out at Northern Maverick, this funky microbrewery on Bathurst, just a short stumbling distance from Queen Street. Last time I was here, I slayed not one, but two Gosezillas… but this time, I’ve got an even bigger monster in my sights: the Beast Burger!

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OK, now let’s break it down. What you’ve got is a dry-aged, ground chuck burger topped with braised beef brisket — dude, this is body by braised beef brisket! — a nice smoked cheese, some chipotle BBQ…and a couple pieces of kale, for that one serving of veggies. Man, this burger is so baller, you can get it medium rare and it won’t even give you Mad Cow Disease, bro!!!!

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Of course, if we’re hanging out at a craft brewery, then you KNOW I ain’t drinkin’ hard seltzer, bro! This here’s their Festbier, an easy-drinking German Oktoberfest lager that’ll rock you like a hurricane. All that’s missing is Klaus Meine singing “Still Loving You,” son!!!

Holy peanut butter jalapeno bacon cheeseburger, Batman!!!

So, we’re hanging out at Allen Burger Venture, this funky little joint on Allen St, right in the heart of the cool part of Buffalo. If your favourite craft beer dive bar only played punk rock and new wave and had 14 different burgers – without counting the non-beef ones – on the menu, it would be this place. And you know me, I had to go with the funkiest of the funky bunch…this is burger number five, Lou Bro-ga!

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Now, this has gotta be the most outta-bounds burger I’ve had since I ordered the Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup burger, and made mine a double! You’ve got the salty creaminess of the peanut butter, some heat from the hot peppers, a nice chewy bacon, and a thick and juicy patty – and then you throw down some white cheddar!? Shut the back door!!!

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But the funk train don’t stop there, son! These are some of the biggest, breadiest, crunchiest onion rings I’ve ever seen – and they’re beer-batted in Olde English 800, maybe the one beer I might not drink over Molson Canadian. It sure tastes good on some rings though, bro!!!!

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And when it comes to beer, there ain’t no Canadian here! (They do have Labatt Blue Light though, for some reason.) Instead, you’ve got 24 taps of local craft beer, and even more in cans! This here is Nosferatu, a bloody red ale from Great Lakes Brewing – not the one from Etobicoke, but the one in Cleveland. And rather than the bitter taste of a Crazy Canuck, this brew actually reminds me more of Arch Brewing’s Dinner Jacket O’Red IPA, which used to be my Ottawa Redblacks beer…except that they don’t make it anymore. 😦

Legit lamb burger + poutine @ Big Smoke

So, I know there’s been a Big Smoke Burger at the Eaton’s Centre for a while now — I sometimes go there for lunch. But when I got a coupon for a free poutine, I was all over that like Fieri on frijoles…dude, this is body by free poutine! The deal is, you had to order a combo to get the poutine, so I figured this would be a good time to try the lamb:

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This lamb burger is righteous, bro! Grilled to order, with a little pink in the middle, and then you’ve got onions, lettuce, tomato and this funky cilantro-feta spread. Dude, I would put that on a flip-flop!!!

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And now it’s time for the poutine du jour. I gotta say, this is one of the best fast-food poutines I’ve had. You’ve got lotsa thick, melty curd action, the fries are tasty, even on their own, and the gravy gets the job done. This body checks McDonald’s poutine into the boards, bro!!!

Finally tried the famous Richmond Station burger…

Now, I’m not really sure if there is a best burger in Toronto, one that’s so iconic that makes it a must-see in this city… But one burger that gets brought up a lot is the one at Richmond Station – it’s stuffed with beef short ribs, son! I’ve only had half a slider at Taste of Toronto a couple years ago, but now, it’s time for the real thing:

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OK, now let’s break it down. You’ve got a medium-rare burger, with aged cheddar, dill pickle, a beet chutney and garlic donkey sauce, all on a milk bun. What it lacks in size, it makes up in flavour – the short rib/ground beef combo is outta bounds, bro! And they don’t short-change ya on the fries, either…

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These warm ‘n tasty spuds are served with a side of lemon donkey sauce. It’s a donkey sauce double-down in Flavourtown!!!

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Of course, even after polishing off all those taters, you KNOW we’ve still got room for dessert. This chocolate pie was the dessert of the day – dude, this is body by chocolate pie! – so I totally had to try it. But it’s really not much of a pie, though. More of a chocolate pudding, with this crunchy crust ring around the rosie. Man, I dunno how I feel about deconstructed desserts, bro…

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On the other hand, their signature beer was TheBomb.ca, son! This Richmond Station Brown Ale is brewed by Niagara College Teaching Brewery, and it’s got just the roasty, toasty taste I’m looking for. I could totally pound a ton of these!!!