We three kings of bacon and beef…

Now, it’s been a long time since I last went to Burger King, but I can’t stop seeing ads for this Bacon King sandwich pretty much every time I turn on the TV. (I guess that’s what happens when you watch The Bacon Network 24/7, son!) And hey, it definitely checks all the boxes–beef, bacon, ketchup, mayo, processed cheese on a bun–those are pretty much the five food groups of funk in Flavourtown!

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Now, I don’t really like paying nine bucks just for a burger, but this is not a small sandwich, son! You’ve got a buncha nice bites of beef, with the cheese melting into the meat, and some tang from the ketchup…but where’s the bacon, bro???

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I dunno guy, but I didn’t think six strips of bacon would result in so many small bites. And it’s got kind of a funky texture–not quite crispy, not quite chewy, kinda like a thinner version of beef jerky. Don’t get me wrong, these burgers weren’t bad–and you KNOW I pounded all three of them, bro!–but I would probably take one Wendy’s Baconator over we three Bacon Kings.

Now, if only BK brought back the bacon sundae, then we’d be gellin’ like a felon, Doctor Broles!!!!

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This West Coast Red Ale DOESN’T need more Cowbell!

So, I was at the LCBO, picking up some Steamwhistle for the Flames and Leafs game, when I looked up at the top shelf, and spotted this righteous brew. I mean, the name of the brewery is Cowbell, so it’s gotta be good, right?

This beer’s got a bit of an interesting back story, to boot. The small town of Blyth, a couple hundred clicks west of T-Dot, had a vet in the 1800’s with a pet bobcat. One time, when he was out drinking brewskis with his broskis, some dumb bartender cut him off—so he brought the wildcat to the bar! Now that’s badass, bro!!!

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I gotta say, this brew takes Rickard’s Red out behind the woodshed, dude! You’ve got a nice, citrusy finish, not too bitter (30 IBU) with just a bit of an extra kick (5.5%). Man, I could slam sixteen of these before bringing my bobcat back to the bar, bro!!!!

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4 meats, 1 bun, bro!!!!

So, we’re hanging out at Philthy Philly’s, this funky fresh sandwich joint inside a food fair at Yonge and Gerrard. This place just opened up downtown a couple weeks back, but they’ve got a buncha them in the suburbs already. And it’s sorta like Subway on steroids–serving up some massive meat sammies like this Flavourtown fearsome foursome, The Big Boss:

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Y’know, my motto’s always been, why eat just one meat when you can have four? And they’re piling them up on this massive meatstravaganza right here! You’ve got steak, you’ve got chicken, you’ve got bacon strips AND peameal, all freshly chopped and cooked up on the grill. Top it off with provolone, Cheez Whiz, onions, bell peppers AND holla-atcha-penos, and you’ve got enough stuff to stuff Ben Simmons, bro! But you KNOW we ain’t full yet…

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Why YES, that is a lean, mean pierogi poutine! They basically take a real-deal fries/curds/gravy combo and add bacon, onions, sour cream and four pierogis on top! That’s like eating two meals in one, son! But you know it’s just a side dish in Flavourtown…

philthy_philly_aftermath (2)WE DON’T STOP UNTIL WE’RE DONE, SON!!!!

 

Heeeere piggy piggy!

So, we’re hanging out at Beerbistro last weekend, this funky craft brewpub right on King St. in the heart of downtown Toronto. Now, “Free Bird” might be my favourite Lynyrd Skynyrd tune, but the Saturday Night Special at this joint totally reeks of funkaliciousness. Every weekend, starting at 5 pm, they’re serving up this 22-hour applewood smoked suckling pig that puts the “oink” in honky-tonk redoinkadoink!!!!

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OK, let’s break it down. The pig is super tender and smoky. You’ve got a nice parsnip puree, some purple cabbage and these roasted Brussels sprouts that are so outta bounds, bro! I don’t normally eat Brussels sprouts, but when I do, I slam ’em down with a pound of roast pig!!!!

Of course, one does not simply go to Beerbistro to sip spiced honey mead wine. And you KNOW we ain’t drinkin’ Bud Light tonight, neither! Say bonjour to my little ami, Unibroue’s A Tout Le Monde:

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Dude, this is definitely the best beer named after anything Dave Mustaine had a hand in creating! This fruity saison tastes like being kicked outta Metallica before they made it for drinking too much beer. And with just 4.5% alcohol, I could slam 17 of these!

But you KNOW la bière doesn’t stop there, mon frère! We went deep into the Beerbistro cellar for this one, coming straight outta Shawinigan, son!!!

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L’impératrice is probably the heartiest brew I’ve sunk my face into. This imperial stout is aged in a bourbon barrel, giving it a heavy chocolate/caramel kick. With 10% alcohol, it’s meant to be savoured like a fine wine…so I probably shouldn’t have shotgunned this whole glass. Too late now, bro!!!!

Siiiign of the Schnitzel Queen – stuff your face and eeeeeat!

So, we’re hanging out at Schnitzel Queen, this funky little Bavarian joint on Queen St E. This place only does one thing, and they do it real well, serving up some massive schnitzel sammies with all kinds of funky toppings. Their signature is the Schnitzel Queen, with saukerkraut, potato salad and roasted onions inside the sandwich…but why settle for a Schnitzel Queen when you can have a Schnitzel King?

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Dude, this sammy is about the same size as a Volkswagen Beetle! You’ve got a massive piece of freshly pounded breaded pork, with some crisp lettuce, tangy house-made sauerkraut and crunchy grilled onions, along with a couple slices of processed cheese (you can get real cheese for 50 cents more). But the bacon is what makes it. I mean, this sammy was already the King of Schnitzeltown, but adding that extra porky goodness just puts it over the top. And hey, there’s no fine April Wine, but they do have Czechvar on tap and Pilsner Urquel and Zywiec in the fridge, so you can still get schnit-faced while stuffing your face with schnitzel, son!

Slammin’ some Swedish cider straight from the can!

I don’t always consume fruit, but when I do, I make sure it has alcohol. So I found these fruit-flavoured ciders at the LCBO, coming straight outta Sweden from these funky dudes at Rekorderlig. These things are like fruit punch in a can, dude!!!

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The best part!? At only 4.5% alcohol, I can slam seven of these and still see the sign! You know I’m a barbie girl, bro!

(Oh wait, they’re from Norway, aren’t they?)

I’ve got a need…a need for BEEF!

So we’re hanging out at Top Gun Steak, this funky little burger joint in Kensington Market. They may not have Tom Cruise on the wall or Kenny Loggins on the stereo, but this place is serving up a whole buncha burgers and steak sammies inspired by the biggest box office smash of 1986. We’re heading right into the danger zone with this one, Goose-bro!

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They call this beefcake Maverick, and it’s just a bitchin’ pair of shades away from flying straight down my piehole. You’ve got a double cheeseburger, topped with havarti, grilled onions, lettuce, tomato–and even a hunka grilled pineapple on top. But wait, one of these patties is lamb!!!??? Shut the back door, bro!!!

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Of course, every burger pilot needs a sidekick, and these chili cheese fries put Goose to shame! You’ve got a rich, meaty chili with big bites of kidney beans, and then a shredded blend of mozza-cheddar on top. And yes, this is real cheese–no queso, bro! Dude, this place is just a Kenny Loggins soundtrack short of sensational. I think we can fix that, though: