This weekend, I’m throwing down some ‘stones, son!

Now, for me, March Madness means nothing but basketball all weekend every weekend, bro! And you know I’ve got Gonzaga going all the way this year. I’ve been a big Gonzaga fan ever since Adam Morrison cried like a real man on national TV. (I might even have shed a few tears myself.)

Now, here’s the deal. When I fill out my bracket, I don’t always get everything right. So I like to play a little drinking game–whenever I cross a team off my bracket, I crack a cold one. Which means, sometimes, I’m Stone Cold Steve Austin sober by the Sweet 16, and other years I’m puking like Gerardo eating good ol’ fashioned Spanish cooking. (You KNOW I’m Rico Suave, bro!)

So, if I’m cracking a beer each time one of my teams bites the dust, I ain’t gonna be pounding Forgotten Lake Blueberry Ale–that stuff’s got 7.5% alcohol, son! Instead, I go with a cheap, light, shitty brew. Keystone Light: It Tastes Awful, But It Works!TM

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TMBuckley’s Cough Mixture

This might be the best burger I ever ate at a country music concert

So, I’m at the ACC, to see my man The Chief, Eric Fuckin’ Church in concert, bro! Last summer, when he was supposed to play Kitchener, the gig got rained out, and I dived face first into a bacon cheeseburger. Looks like I’m about to do the same thing here…

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They call this the Maple Bacon Burger, and it’s got cheddar cheese, bacon and a maple aioli! As far as concession food goes, this is pretty decent. Burger is nice and thick, bacon is a little on the chewy side, nice crunch from the onions and tomatoes. Fries are super thin, and kinda taste like Swiss Chalet. Now that was a cold 17 dollars I never will get back, son…and that doesn’t even include the beer!

EATIN AUSTIN: I don’t always eat boneless wings, but when I do, I make sure they’re wrapped in bacon!

So, we’re hanging out at The Tavern, this funky neighbourhood bar that’s been down on the corner of 12th Street and Lamar for more than 100 years. When my righteous brosephs at The Thrillest said they had the best damn chicken wings in Texas, I knew I had to check this place out–but these ain’t yer grandpappy’s chicken wings, son!

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They call these the Amazing White Wings, and they’re pretty baller to the max! You’ve got boneless chicken, stuffed with jalapeños, wrapped in bacon, and tossed with wing sauce, dude! Then there’s carrots and celery sticks on the side, some crispy fried onions, and both ranch and blue cheese dressing, bro!

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The chicken is nice ‘n juicy, you’ve got a nice little kick from the hot peppers and the wing sauce, and then the bacon just wraps it all up in a nice little meat sweater. Who needs bones when you’ve got bacon, bro!!!??? (Man, I gotta put that on a t-shirt or something!)

EATIN AUSTIN: Cinco tacos por desayuno, hermano!

Now, there’s some debate over who first started eating tacos for breakfast, with both Austin and San Antonio laying claim to the title. But if you’re in Austin, and you want tacos for desayuno, then you gotta go to Tamale House East, bro!

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Now, I got there right at 8, but they didn’t open till 8:35, at which point a whole pile of people showed up behind me. I got three of the in-house specialties–migas & queso; egg, bacon, cheese and ranchera; potato, egg, bacon and cheese–and then built two culinary creations of yo mismo–a chorizo egg & cheese and a bacon egg & mushroom–cuz you gotta get some chorizo, bro!

It’s also worth noting that the prices on their menu online are off; instead of $1.25 a taco, you’re paying $3.25 for the house specialties–or $2.75 for a build-yer-own with three toppings. But hey, cinco tacos for $16.50 still ain’t a bad deal, though…

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So, we’re starting off with the migas and cheese, a Tex Mex breakfast staple. There’s definitely nothing wrong with crispy fried tortilla strips, eggs and cheese–and when you put ’em in a taco, it’s even better, bro!

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Next up is one of my Triple B creations, the chorizo, egg and cheese. I can now see why they don’t include chorizo in any of their specialties–they don’t give you very big chunks of it here, either. Probably my least favourite one.

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Now, these last three all had bacon, and if I’m every back in Austin, I would just do five with bacon, bro! Their bacon is cooked to perfection, finding the right balance between crispy and chewy. And the potatoes in this one were on point. 5/5

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This Triple B creation was a personal favourite–bacon, egg n mushroom, son! And the mushroom is what makes it–thick, juicy and they totally don’t taste like the come from a can! If I go back here, I’m adding mushrooms to everything!

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Aaaaaand that brings us to the last taco of the morning, the in-house specialty of bacon, egg, ranchera and cheese. I was scared this might be too spicy for me–but the sauce was definitely on the mild side. I normally like salsa on my taco, but it doesn’t work quite as well for breakfast, though. Still, if I ever feel like eating five tacos for breakfast again, then this is definitely the place to be!

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EATIN AUSTIN: Heavy metal dive bars & Texas-sized doughnuts on 6th Street

So we’re hanging out at Casino el Camino, this funky little dive bar on 6th street. This place is cranking AC/DC and Iron Maiden on the jukebox, and I’m not even picking the tunes, bro! It’s like, I walk into a bar, and they’re playing “Blind in Texas” by WASP–how cool is that!?

But the kitchen is where the real magic happens. They’ve got these crazy burgers, hot dogs and fries, and they’re grilling em up right before your eyes! Check it out–that’s three-quarter pounds of beef, bro!

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They call this the Buffalo burger, and it’s like a Leon Lett fumble recovery to the tastebuds, bro! This one’s going Wide Right…into my mouth! You’ve got the thickest burger I’ve seen since that one time, in Cooperstown, a nice tangy blue cheese, grilled with Buffalo wing sauce…and no veggies, cuz who needs veggies, anyways?

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Now, on the side we’ve got some verde chili fries. So, they take some French fried potaters, slather em in cheese sauce, then stick some salsa verde on top. This dish is equal parts cheesy, spicy, and funky, son! I’m pretty sure I could eat this off a flip flop…

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But you KNOW I still had room for dessert, bro! So I headed a couple blocks down the street to Voodoo Doughnuts, the legendary Portland doughnut place…but they’ve got one here now, too. I beat the lineup at Camino’s, but when I got to the doughnut shop, the line was almost out the door! And speaking of tuneage, they were playing Rush, Black Sabbath and Van Halen when I walked in…I should maybe just move here, or something.

Now, they call this the Tex Ass doughnut, and it’s freaking huge! The thing takes up the whole box, and it’s so big, I pretty much need two hands to eat it:

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Take the biggest glazed doughnut you’ve ever seen, and multiply it by three. And lemme tell ya, they put the dough in doughnut here. This pillowy bread cushion practically melts in your mouth–which is good because I could barely even chew it by the end. But you know I did finish it, bro!!!

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Guess I don’t need no breakfast tomorrow…

It’s like Triple B in a pie, bro!

So, I’m heading off to the bank to get some Icelandic koronas, when I spot this funky little Aussie-style pie shop in the food court. At Kanga, they’re serving up nine kinds of savoury pies—and they’ve even got sausage rolls, son! You could go around the world with a Traditional Aussie, a Kiwi Classic, or even a butter chicken pie, but it was the Canadian that caught my eye, for obvious reasons:

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OK, let’s break it down. You’ve got some frickin’ yuuuge pieces of steak, meaty chunks of bacon, braised with Amsterdam Downtown Brown beer, and a savoury gravy, all inside a warm, flakey crust. Dude, this is body by yuuuge pieces of steak, meaty chunks of bacon, Amsterdam Downtown Brown beer, and a savoury gravy inside a warm, flakey crust! Normally, when I get a meat pie at like Longo’s or something, I’m like, where’s the beef bro? Well, it’s right here. All of it. The only thing that could make this place more funkalicious is if they added a lamb pie. Can you say Dirty Deeds Done With Sheep?

This might be the best BLT in Toronto…

Now, if I was to build a culinary empire around just one ingredient, it would hafta be bacon–cuz hey, it takes several great ingredients to make a burger, right? Now, I’ve already been to Bacon Nation a buncha times, but there’s this funky little joint on Ossignton where they don’t just put bacon in every dish, they build every dish around bacon!

That’s right, at Rashers, they’ve got no less than a dozen different bacon sammies to choose from. And while I kinda just wanted to drop 120 bucks and order one of everything, I figured I had to go with their take on a traditional diner classic: the BLT. But this ain’t just any old BLT, cuz it’s got house-made beer mayo, bro!!!

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OK, now let’s break it down. For starters, they put this thing on a warm ciabatta bun–there ain’t no dry white toast here, Elwood! The lettuce is fresh and crispy, you get a nice juiciness from the tomato, and I could probably pound a pint of that beer mayo, bro! But the star of the show has gotta be the bacon. Just look at how thick it is! And they cook it just right, so that it’s not too crispy, but not too chewy either. I’m trying to think of a time that I had a better bacon sandwich…but I’m drawing a blank. Hey, you know what they say: so much bacon, such little brain cells, broseph!!!!