Kicking off football season with a strong red beer!

Last year’s Grey Cup between Calgary and Ottawa was an all-time classic. I was right there on the goal-line when the Stamps tied it up late in the fourth quarter…only to lose in OT at the other end. And now, we’ve got not one, but two rematches to start the CFL season, starting tonight in the nation’s crapital.

Now, when it comes to football, you know I’m crackin’ cold ones, son, and tonight is no exception. I’ve got a fridge fully stocked of Dinner Jacket O’Red IPAs for every time those wannabe lumberjacks make it into the end zone…which probably won’t happen to often, but I’ll be prepared, just in case.

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Now, when my team gives up a touchdown, I like to drink one per cent of alcohol for every point scored—so at 6.3%, this beer is pretty much perfect. And with 60 IBUs, it’s a pretty bitter brew…but not as bitter as the REDBLACKS fans will be when we take back the Cup in Ottawa this year!

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GO STAMPS GO!!!!

It’s a pig, cow and goat burger, bro!!!!

So, we’re hanging out at Royal Meats, just a Darwin Barney grounder away from Rogers Centre on Fort York Blvd. Now, today is officially Hamburger Day, so you know I gotta get something between two buns, son! But I can’t just have any regular old burger–I gotta go with something so outta bounds, it bounces off the foul pole…this is the Royal Deluxe with Cheese:

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OK, so here’s the deal. They take two burger patties, which are made from a mixture of ground pork and veal, put some ham and goat cheese in between, and roll it all up like a Juicy Lucy doobie doobie doo! Only I ain’t gonna smoke this shit–I’m gonna shove it straight down my piehole! The cheese is warm and creamy, you’ve got a nice crust on the meat, and then lettuce, tomatoes and pickles to cool it down. This was definitely the messiest burger I’ve had in a while–I even got some hot cheese on my arm–but man, did it ever hit the spot! Happy Burger Day, brosephs and bro-settes!!!

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Gonna take a bite into the Danger Dog!

So, we’re hanging out at Wvrst, the funky craft-beer sausagefest on King St. West. Last time I was here, I went for the thunder down under, with a tie-me-kangaroo-down-sport sausage and some dirty duck done dirt cheap. But tonight, it’s all about the Top Gun, son! We’re taking you right into the Danger Zone with these bacon-wrapped Danger Dogs:

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Now for me, hot dogs are like potato chips–there’s no way I can eat just one. So the one on the left is sweet ‘n sour with sauerkraut and sweet peppers, and the one on the right kicks it up a notch with onions and fresh jalapenos. None of that pussy pickled shit! The dogs are grilled perfectly, hot and juicy, and the bacon adds that crispy crunch. I could probably slam another three of these, bro!

So now, we’re cranking the Kenny Loggins, we’ve got our aviator shades on, and Kelly McGillis riding shotgun…all that’s missing is the need for speed. So how’s this for a speed racer?

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This B.C. craft beer packs a punch, with 6.5% alcohol and 80 IBUs. It’s about as bitter as it gets when Tom Cruise is cruising on a Kawasaki and you’re stuck on a 10-speed. But it sure helps all the hot peppers go down smooth, son!!!

This is TheBomb.ca bacon burger, bro!

So, the last time I was at Rashers, I wanted to eat everything on the menu, but it was a case of so many bacon, such little time. So I scarfed down a scrumptious BLT sammy, but I knew I’d be back for this culinary masterpiece, the bacon burger:

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Now, this is like paradise by the bacon-board light, bro! For starters, they’re putting bacon bits in the ground beef for that extra pork kick. You’ve got fresh, crisp lettuce, a nice, juicy tomato, some zingy chipotle aioli and a toasted bun…but really, it’s all about the bacon. The texture is just perfect, not too crispy, not too chewy, and the pork flavour is utterly redonkulous. If they made me a body bag outta bacon, I would zip myself up in it and eat my way out–it’s just that good!

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Of course, you can’t have a burger without fries, and these ain’t yer grandfather’s spuds, son! At Rashers, they’ve got both kinds: curly AND wedges, and they come with your choice of seasonings. I went with smoked paprika, cuz dude, this is body by smoked paprika! And with the nice kick on that crispy coating, I don’t need no ketchup, bro!!!!

FINAL FOUR FOOD: Feedin’ my Frankenstein at Alice Cooper’s restaurant!

Now, when I heard that Alice Cooper had his own sports bar just a Randy Johnson seagull-destroying fastball from Chase Field, you know I had to be there with bell-bottoms on, bro! This place has got gold records on the wall, NHL hockey(!) on the big screen, and even a signed photo of the 1993 Montreal Canadiens. Not even making this up, mon frère!

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And even though Randy Johnson mighta hung up his ugly-ass purple jersey a few years back, they’ve still got a 22-inch hot dog in his honour called The Big Unit. Whenever one of these bad boys comes outta the kitchen, they ring a bell, and everybody yells “Big Unit!” It’s like a grand slam home run in Flavourtown, son!

But as appealing as shoving a 22-inch sausage straight down my piehole might sound, it didn’t seem like such a good idea at 11 am. So instead, I went with the Welcome to My Nightmare Nachos:

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These chips were topped with cheese sauce, jalapeños, cheese and Alice’s signature Nightmare chili–which was much more bean than beef. And the cheese-sauce to real-cheese ratio was about 3-to-1, which was a bit of a bummer bro! These nachos were not the stuff that dreams are made of…

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Of course, one does not simply walk in to Alice Cooper’stown and only eat nachos! Now, I coulda gone with the No More Mr. Nice Guy Chicken Pasta, or the School’s Out for Summer St. Louis Style Ribs, but instead I opted for the Billion Dollar BLT, baby!

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This classic, simple dish helped cleanse my palate after all the chili n jalapeños and nacho cheese. Just a basic BLT, but with a whole pile of crispy bacon, cooked perfectly, on Texas Toast…or so they say. If that’s Texas Toast, then I’m Yokozuna, son! More like Texas Toast on a diet! But the Ballad of Dwight French Fries were Super Duper Alice Cooper crispy n delicious, and this dish won’t set ya back a cool billion–it’s only $9.99, my little bronies!

And hey, you gotta love a place that plays Spoonman by Soundgarden, Judith by A Perfect Circle and Rush’s Tom Sawyer all within a half hour. I was air-drumming like Neil Peart on Percocets, dude! Not a single Alice Cooper song on the stereo the entire time I was there, though!!!!

FINAL FOUR FOOD: Double cheeseburger, chili cheese fries…and a Diet Coke

I told you Gonzaga was going all the way, bro!!! Well, OK, they lost to Carolina in the NCAA Final, so I probably owe Eric Church a cold one or two. But as soon as the Zags punched their ticket to Phoenix for the Final Four, so did the Triple B Crew. And you know we’re not (just) loading up on carbs before the game, dude! So, over the next few days, we’re rolling out the Final Four of funky fresh Phoenician eateries…can you smell what the desert is cookin’?

So, after watching the Zags beat the Cocks in an epic game on Saturday, I went to grab some grub, bro. But there were so many people on the concourse, that I could only go as far as the closest concession stand–the Gridiron Grill.

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By this point I hadn’t eaten anything since airport food at 8 am, so you know I went BIG. Why have a burger when you can get a double cheeseburger, bro? And why settle for fries when chilli cheese fries are on the menu? Of course, I washed it all down with an extra large Diet Coke, cuz I’m counting my calories…still counting…OK, so maybe I can’t count that high.

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OK, let’s break it down. The burger patties are nice and meaty, although they’re well beyond medium well. The pickles add some freshness, and the cheese is as processed as a clinical procedure. The fries are thick ‘n crispy, but when you pour concession stand chilli on em and put concession stand cheese on top, this dish is a hot mess and a half, dudeson!!!

This Persian-style burger is completely popping with flavour!

So, we’re cruisin’ down Dundas on Saturday, and it’s raining lions, tigers and bears. I forgot to put the top up on the Camaro, probably cuz I was still drunk on tacos from last night, so right now I’m wetter than a widowed wallaby in wintertime, and I need to stop somewhere to get out of the rain. That’s when I spotted this friendly neighbourhood Persian place over by the AGO called Sumac Kabob Kitchen.

Now, they’ve got all kinds of Middle-Eastern comfort food at this place–they even have a Persian poutine!–but it was the nine-dollar burger special that caught my eye. These days, I’d eat pretty much anything for nine bucks, bro…unless maybe it was vegan. And this ain’t no Burger King, two-for-five-dollar deal sammy either, son. Feast your eyes on this thing of beauty:

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The beef was nicely seasoned, with some nice Middle-Eastern spices to it. You’ve got lettuce, tomato and red onions, and those shawarma-style pickle spears that I really dig. Then they poured a buncha garlic sauce on top, and put it in a pillowy potato bun–nothing wrong with that at all! My only complaint is that the sign said it also came with fries, but there were no french-fried potaters on my plate. That’s like Grand Theft Potato in Flavourtown, bro!!!!!!