That’s a hunka hunka burning waffles, bro!

Now, I don’t normally eat waffles unless there’s fried chicken involved. But here at Old School, this funky little joint on Dundas West, they’ve got this brunch dish that’s a festival of funk in Flavourtown—the Elvis Waffle is in the building:

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OK, now let’s break it down. You’ve got this big ol’ fluffy waffle, chopped in four, covered with “I can’t believe it’s not peanut butter,” drizzled with caramel, and then they take a couple deep-fried bananas, and add bacon? Dude, it’s like I’m caught in a trap and I can’t walk out cuz I can’t stop eating this, Dwight Bro-kam!!!!

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Now, the waffles are cooked perfectly, the bacon is on point (although I couldda used at least twice as much bacon), but the deep-fried bananas are what makes it. Crunchy on the outside, gooey on the inside, I could eat that off a flip-flop! Dude, these bananas are bananas…and bananas is good!!!!

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This cider walks right through the door, bro!

Now, I don’t always drink cider, but when I do, it’s named after my second-favourite Perry Farrell band (Pornos for Pyros FTW, bro!) like this one, Jane’s Addiction from Brickworks Ciderhouse on Queen St:

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Dude, this dry perry with wildflower honey is like a Ritual de lo Habitual in Flavourtown! Not too sweet, not too bitter, it finds the right mix between dry and fruity–kinda like the lyrics of “Ain’t No Right.”

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Of course, you KNOW I’m not gonna pound some Jane’s Addictions with a cucumber salad, bro! Instead, I’m stage-diving face first into these Blue Cheese Cider Mussels, with apple cider blue cheese cream, bacon and a side of apple cider vinegar fries. Now, I’ve chowed down on some funky fries before, but apple cider vinegar fries??? Shut the back door!!!!

Slaying the best Sunday brunch buffet in Mississauga…

So, we’re back in Port Credit, hanging out at the “Best Sunday Brunch in Mississauga” (according to themselves, anyways), where we’re scarfing down bacon, beef and breakfast tacos–that’s like three of the four essential food groups right there, bro! This is Breakwater Restaurant:

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Now, we’re going all around the world with this first plate: mushroom pizza, breakfast taco, shrimp roll and two kids of salad: potato AND pasta! (Hey, I don’t always eat salad bro, but as long as it’s not all green stuff, we’re good.) The breakfast taco was super-messy; one bite and the egg yolk sprayed all over my face like goat semen at a testicle festival. But the shrimp roll was the best thing on this plate, by far!

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Next up, we’ve got a flaky croissant, deep-fried fish with tartar sauce, a waffle with strawberries, some home-fried potatoes, a couple pepperonis, for added colour, and a whole buncha bacon–because why settle for sausage when you can stuff your face with bacon, bro???

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Of course, I couldn’t wait any longer before hitting up the carving station, son! We’ve got some roast beef, mushroom medley (served cold, unfortunately), foccacia with hummus and a few breakfast sausages, just to make it a two-meat plate. The beef was a little too well-done, but still pretty tasty…

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And hey, you can’t hit up a Sunday brunch buffet without taking a trip to the omelette station. This egg-on-egg action is crammed with ham, mushrooms, onions, tomatoes and cheddar. Plus a whole pile of bacon on the side. Dude, this is body by bacon!!!!

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And YOU KNOW we’ve still got room for dessert, bro!!! There’s a piece of carrot cake, blueberry flan, a double-dose of chocolate square and some chocolate pudding/mousse, with a two-bite brownie and a giant blackberry. It’s like research in motion…heading straight down my piehole!!!!

So, I finally tried the A&W Beyond Meat Burger…

Now, I know what you’re thinking–you probably couldn’t pay me to eat a veggie burger, bro! But with all the vegans saying that the Beyond Meat burger was the best burger ever, and even some of my meatatarian compadres giving it the thumbs-up…I figured I’d at least give it the old Burger State University try.

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And here’s the thing: this veggie burger actually tastes pretty good. This might be the best veggie burger I’ve ever had–but I can’t even remember the last time I had a veggie burger. While it’s nowhere near the pantheon of all-time greatest burgers, the patty is a lot like a beef burger you would get at A&W or at Harvey’s, which are both places I don’t go very often, but if you bought me a Beyond Meat burger from there, and didn’t tell me it was vegan, I would still scarf it down, son!

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Of course, because I didn’t want to get toooo healthy, I ordered mine with a side of poutine. This gravy-soaked disasterpiece was…still better than McDonald’s, I guess?

Romeo, Romeo… pour me another beer, bro!

Dude, it’s been a while since I hung out around Gerrard and Pape, but just past Gerrard Square there’s a whole buncha places that I’ve never seen before. You’ve got Grinder for coffee, Blackjack BBQ, Chula Taberna for Mexican food…and this funky little joint named after a Thin Lizzy tune–they’ve even got a portrait of Phil Lynott behind the bar–this is Poor Romeo, bro!

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Now, this place normally has 10 craft beers on tap–but they sold out of the Clutch APA right after I got there. Instead, I went with Hazed and Confused, this citrusy Vermont IPA from Muskoka Brewery. It totally went well with the 70’s rock soundtrack–we’re talking Aerosmith, Nazareth and The Cars, bro. Party at the Moontowner!!!!

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Now, that last beer was pretty funky, but this one definitely kicks it up a notch! This Blood Orange Saison from Collingwood Brewery tastes like an Italian soda…but at 7.5%, it really sneaks up on ya!

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Now, when it comes to grub, they’ve got a classic double burger, a pork loin, bacon and avocado sammy…and even a cornbread salad. But when I saw the chorizo con papas gorditas, I knew where this was going–dude, this is body by gorditas, senorita! You’ve got sausage, potato and queso fresco inside two round orbs of crusty deliciousness. These boys are back in town…and heading straight down my piehole!!!!

Brews with a View @ Broadview Hotel

So, we’re hanging out at The Broadview Hotel, this funky boutique hotel that used to be a strip club on Queen St E. Now, I never went to Jilly’s, but it looks they’ve really spruced the place up! And the crown jewel that has got everyone and their cousin getting married up here is the rooftop patio. Check it out, bro!

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Now this place is more known for cocktails, but they’ve still got a few beers on tap, like A Tout le Monde, this funky saison collab between Unibroue and Megadeth. Now, this beer is a little fruitier than what I’d expect from a heavy metal legend…but then again, this is Dave Mustaine we’re talking about!

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Now, you know if I’m drinking beer, there’s a pretty good chance I’m eating fried chicken. These chicken chunks were nice and tender, super crispy…but they only put the sauce on the ones in the middle for some reason???

Chicken schnitzel & waffles @ Otto’s Bierhalle

Now, I’m a pretty big fan of fried chicken and waffles. Dude, this is body by fried chicken and waffles! So, when I heard that Otto’s Bierhalle, this funky German joint on Queen West, was doing it up schnitzel-style, I was all over that like a Mexican fan on South Koreans at the World Cup! (Wait, too soon???)

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Now, instead of giving you one great big waffle, they throw down a four-pack of mini Belgian quarters. The waffles are nice and fluffy, with a bit of syrup on top. Chicken is super moist, not too crispy, goes good with gravy–although I did ask ’em for some hot sauce instead. And it comes with a side pomegranate-spinach salad. I guess I gotta eat that too?

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Of course, you don’t go to a German beer hall and sip on a Corona, bro! This here’s Munich Gold, a funky fresh pilsner from Hacker-Pschorr. Dude, this brew’s so legit, even the glass speaks German!!!!!