I like my bacon black just like my metal!

So, we’re hanging out at Graffiti’s Bar & Grill, this funky little dive in Kensington Market. Normally, you could expect to hear all kinds of music in this joint–there’s even an old, battered piano–but on Sundays, it’s all about the ‘bangers. And no, I don’t mean bangers ‘n mash, bro!

Black Metal Brunch has been a neighbourhood staple for 13 plus years. The bar’s been blasting out heavy riffs and serving up hearty eats to long-haired freaky people every Sunday since back when Limp Bizkit was still cool…and it looks like their prices are still stuck in 2004, bro! I mean, I’m pretty sure a spread like this will set ya back at least $12.50 at Denny’s:

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They call this The Big One, and it’s only nine bucks, son! You’ve got three eggs, two types of bacon–peameal and bacon strips–toast and potatoes, with a couple pieces of fruit for dessert. And this ain’t no skinny sliver of back bacon, bro!!!

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Dude, this is like a breakfast blast beat of blasphemy in Flavourtown! The peameal is about the size of a pork chop, the eggs are scrambled up nicely, you’ve got some seasoning on the potatoes, and rye toast that’s about as black as a Norwegian dance party. All that’s missing is the pointy hat!

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If Winnipeg was a beer, this is the kind of beer it would be…

So, with the NHL season getting underway this week, I was looking for a beer to drink when the Flames played the Jets. Since they returned to Winnipeg a few years back, I have not found an appropriate alcohol to associate with this franchise…until I was browsing the craft beer section of my local LCBO last week, and I came across this British brew:

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I mean, how perfect is this? It’s got the team colours, a picture of a fighter jet on the can–and it also happens to share its name with the Winnipeg football team. (And to think, all this time I’d been drinking Labatt Blue!)

This full bodied amber ale has a similar taste and mouthfeel to Rickard’s Red, but at just 4.4%, I could shotgun a boatload of these babies without getting jet-faced. Cuz hey, when the Flames blitzkrieg Winnipeg 6-3, you know I’ll be cracking a few ice-cold brews, bro!!!!

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Chugging down the last Lions Summer Ale of summer…

Now, I wouldn’t normally drink a fruity light beer that’s infused with pineapple and papaya, and has a craptastic 14.3% score on Beer Advocate. But these past few days, it’s been hotter than hell on high heels, and I’m sweating like Gene Simmons in spandex, so you know I’m gonna lick it up, lick it up bro!

Now, this basically tastes like pineapple juice, if you could get drunk on pineapple juice. It’s super citrusy, goes down easy peasy…and tastes great when you’re seeing the Stamps stomp the B.C. Lions, Bro Levi Mitchell!!!!

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(For what it’s worth, I think Lions Winter Ale is a much better beer, but we gotta wait till wintertime for them to bring it back!)

Real-deal English breakfast in downtown Toronto!

Now, I’ve never been to England, but I did lose a ton of money on the Connor McGregor fight…so I think that makes me an honourary Irishman or something. Anyways, I found the perfect place to drown my sorrows in the District formerly known as Entertainment–this is The Anne Boleyn, bro!

Dude, this funky joint is like a neighbourhood British pub on steroids–the place is freakin’ HUGE! They’ve got lotsa beers on tap, pictures on the wall, and flat-screens showing footy on TV. I think I even saw a couple in their Man U kits, if that’s what they’re called. I don’t usually watch soccer unless there’s Guinness involved…

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Now, after throwing back a couple Irish breakfast smoothies, it was time for some grub. This place is serving up brunch from 10 till 2 on weekends, and they’ve got UK classics like corned beef, smoked whitefish and kedgeree, but you know I’m here for the Full English. Cuz why only eat half an English when you can have a full one, son????

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OK, now let’s break it down. You’ve got two eggs, sunny-side up, both bacon AND sausage, a couple crispy potato patties, half a fried tomato, beans, mushrooms and toast. I don’t think I’ve put this many things on my plate since the last time I went to Vegas, bro! The bacon’s got a nice chew, the eggs are yolkalicious, and the sausage is legit, but the mushrooms is what makes it. I could probably eat a whole plate of mushrooms alone, and still have room for dessert!!!!

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Robert Pinto, eat yer bloody heart out, mate!!!!

I would tap that $30 burger, bro!!!!

We’re hanging out at King Taps, this funky new craft beer sports bar right in the heart of the Financial District. Now, I have wanted to make sweet, sweet lovin’ to their Burger Royale ever since this joint opened about a month ago–and I finally had my date with destiny. It was totally Orgasmatron 9000!!!!

Now, they do have a regular King Burger, with cheese and bacon, for 17 dollars, but why get a 17 dollar burger when you can have a 30-dollar burger, bro? My motto’s always been if it’s right, it’s right, why wait to shove it straight down my piehole on a cold dark night???

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OK, let’s break it down. First of all, this bun is too legit to quit–you can’t touch this, son! And then you’ve got not one, but two super-scrumptious, thick ‘n juicy beef patties, two kinds of cheeses, mushrooms, onions…and oh yeah, beef short rib on top! And did I mention it comes with a side of gravy that you pour on it? Dude, this is body by side of gravy!!!!

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Of course, you can’t go to a joint called King Taps and drink a Diet Coke–that’s like a five-year sentence in Flavourtown Penitentiary! Do not pass Go, do not collect 200 Doritos, bro! Man, this place has got more beers on tap than Equifax has angry customers–their rotating taps alone have more variety than your average bar!

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Speaking of doing time, this little craft brewery from our nation’s capital is serving up a funkalicious wheat beer that’ll blow your mind! Say hello to my little friend Orange is the New Pink, from Beyond the Pale Brewery. This hoppy wheat ale tastes like oranges…because they brew it with oranges, dude! And believe it or not, but it wasn’t even the funkiest concoction on their massive beer list. You know I’ll be back, body-builder bro!!!!!!!!!1110

NASHVILLE HOEDOWN SHOWDOWN: Tootsies Orchid Lounge vs Robert’s Western World

Now, you can’t throw a horseshoe on Broadway without hitting a country music venue, but if you want the best, you gotta go up the street a bit to the corner of Broadway and 5th. Both Tootsies and Roberts have been around forever, and they’re bound to put a honky in your tonk, son! So, let’s break it down:

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TOOTSIES ORCHID LOUNGE: For my Toronto bros, if the Bovine was a country bar, it would be Tootsies. This little hole in the wall can fit maybe 200 people, and they sure pack ’em in! The stage is right in the window, and has barely enough space for a five-piece band–who on this evening peppered their George Jones and Merle Haggard covers with modern hits by Eric Church, Zach Brown, Cole Swindell and Chris Stapleton. (Of course, there were country classic singalongs like “Country Road” and “The Gambler” thrown in there too.)

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Beer is mostly of the cheap, domestic variety–although it’s not cheap, with a bottle of Blue Moon for seven bucks. You can actually get better beers at the Bovine, bro!!!

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ROBERT’S WESTERN WORLD: Now, Robert’s is at least twice, if not three times the size of Tootsies–it even has a second floor! In fact, the place is so big, you can’t really see the stage when you’re sitting at the bar. However, the beer selection is much better, and much cheaper, than Tootsies. For 4.75 I got a locally brewed, Belgian-style wheat beer called Southern Wit:

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Speaking of southern wit, the band on stage told us off the top they wouldn’t play anything after 1980–then started their set with a ripping rendition of “Folsom Prison Blues,” complete with stand-up bass solo! They covered a lotta classic country tunes by Merle Haggard, Waylon Jennings, Buck Owens and Johnny Paycheck, as well as a couple classic rock tunes like “Pretty Woman” and “Take a Load Off Fanny” before busting out a killer instrumental of “Ghost Riders in the Sky.” Yeah, they sold a few CDs that night…

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BOTTOM LINE: Robert’s has got the bigger space, better beers, cheaper prices…and they’re even serving up burgers and chicken fingers with a flattop and a deep-fryer behind the bar. I even liked their band better–but if you’re more into new country, you’d probably be better off at Tootsies.

NASHVILLE NOSH: Mind your own biscuits and life will be gravy!

So, we’re hanging out at The Southern Steak & Oyster, this real-deal funky joint that’s serving up some funkalicious breakfast, bro! Now, I coulda gone for the chicken ‘n waffles or the meatatarian omelette, but I heard they’re serving up some of the best biscuits in town, so I had to see for myself:

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Now, these little nuggets of love come two to an order, but you’ll probably wish you had more. Equal parts flaky and crunchy, they taste great on their own, or with butter ‘n jelly. But you can only get gravy on the weekends–they serve it with brunch, not breakfast!

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But the biscuits are just the beginning, bro! You’ve also got eggs, your choice of grits or potatoes, and your choice of meat–and all for just 10 bucks! Of course, when I saw the jalapeño bacon, I knew this was a match made in Flavourtown:

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Now I don’t know how they do it, but they sure do it good! This stuff is chewy and tender like beef jerky, and even though you don’t see any hot peppers here, it definitely packs a punch! Man, I could probably polish off a whole plateful of jalapeño bacon…and still have room for a jalapeño bacon sundae for dessert!!!