Eat or get off the hot pot, bro!!!!

Now, when it comes to all you can eat, I’m all over it, dude! Man, I’ve crushed some all you can eat wings, all you can eat tacos, all you can eat sushi and even all you can eat Brazilian seafood (although that place has since shut down). But this place–this whole concept, really–was totally new to me. All you can eat hot what???

So, we’re hanging out at Chine Legendary Hot Pot & Noodles, right in the heart of downtown Chinatown, just a couple blocks from Dundas and Spadina. Like an AYCE sushi joint, they give you a menu card to fill out with all sorts of meat ‘n veggies–and then you pick your own broth, which comes in a pot, which they put on top of a burner in front of you, like so:

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So, the boiling water cooks all the meat, fish ‘n veggies in a matter of minutes, then you just hafta scoop it out and shovel it straight down your piehole, bro!

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It’s like steak ‘n mushrooms gone wild in Flavourtown, son!!!

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I never knew that lobsters had balls…but these lobster balls are outta bounds, bro!!!

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This forkful’s like “I see your steak ‘n mushroom, and raise you lamb and mushroom, bro!”

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Now, I don’t remember who ordered the spam, or why I thought eating spam would be a good idea, but it turns out that even after heating it up in a hot pot, spam does not taste good!!!!

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Oh, did I mention there were noodles, too? These thick, springy ropes of Udon put the Noodles in Chine Legendary Hot Pot & Noodles!

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LOOK OUT FOR THE GIANT SQUID, BRO!!!!

It’s a bacon mac ‘n cheese grilled cheese burger, bro!!!!

So, we’re hanging out at MELTwich, this friendly neighbourhood sandwich shop on Richmond Street in downtown Toronto. Now, YOU KNOW this is body by grilled cheese, and they aim to please with all sorts of cheesy sammies, son! You’ve got a chicken club, a steak melt, chipotle tuna…even a goat cheese ‘n mushroom melt, bro! But dude, anytime there’s a burger on the menu, I’m probably gonna order it. This here’s the Monster Melt, and it’s a graveyard sm…elt?

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OK, so maybe that doesn’t rhyme, but nothing rhymes with funkalciousness, bro! This honky-tonk redonkadonk mouth candy has got bacon, it’s got lettuce, pickles, onions, tomatoes–and oh yeah, mac ‘n cheese between two grilled cheese sandwich buns! The last time I saw this much mactastic cheesaliciousness, I was at the Mac ‘n Cheese Festival, homes!

Now, I gotta say, this burger was pretty darn messy. There’s really nothing to hold the mac attack together, so it pretty much just slid out of the back of the bun, and I had to scoop it up with a fork. But man, that patty was on point, nicely seasoned, the veggies were fresh and crisp, and that chipotle sauce added a nice little kick. The grilled cheese buns weren’t pretty, but they got the job done!

Man, this has gotta be in the top three grilled cheese burgers I’ve ever had. But of course, it’s not nearly as outta-bounds as the one at the top of the list! Can I get a little Metallica to go, bro???

Holy smokey German beer!

Now, I’m no stranger to smoked food. I’ve had smoked chicken, smoked turkey, smoked wings, smoked corned beef, smoked ribs, smoked sausage, smoked brisket…and even a Scandinavian smokehouse platter! But smoked beer was a whole ‘nother story–up until last night.

I dunno if they eat BBQ in Germany, but smoked beer is actually a pretty big thing. See, there’s this brewery called Schlenkerla that uses beechwood-smoked barley in not one, not two, not three or four or five or six but seven signature brews! And you don’t even hafta go all the way to Bamberg to get it, cuz they’re serving it up at Laylow, this friendly neighbourhood brewpub at College and Dufferin, son!!!

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Dude, this beer is blacker than a Spinal Tap album cover! And it’s got a nice smokey richness to it. You know the bartender broseph had me sold when he said it smells like bacon–and it really does! You can buy ’em online in the bottle for 1.80 Euros, but at Laylow, it’ll cost ya $8.50. Hey, shipping’s a bitch, bro!!!!

And I ran… straight into this Flock of fried chickens!!!

Now, I had been hearing good things about Flock, this funky ol’ chicken shack on Harbord Street, for a little while–and now, I finally got the chance to check it out. Basically, if you’re going here, you’ll have the chicken. And man, this place has everything: chicken soup, chicken salad, winner winner chicken dinner, chicken sammies, chicken tacos… But you know I like my chicken fried just about as much as a cold beer on a Friday night–so me, I’m gonna order the five-piece fried chicken platter:

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Dude, this basket is so far outta bounds. it ended up on the opposite fairway–yuuup, that’s a golf reference, bro! The chicken is super-hot and crispy, straight outta the fryer, and you’ve got a tangy pickle, crunchy slaw, a hot, buttery biscuit and a whole mess of hot sauce on the side. Duuude, Whole Mess of Hot Sauce on the Side was my nickname in Sunday school!!!

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Of course, that hot sauce tastes even better when you smother it on a drumstick! It’s got a creamy, buttery kick that goes great with the crunchaliciousness of the chicken, and a couple bites of pickle’ll cool it off nicely. Dude, this is like dinner AND a movie for one in Flavourtown! And you know I made sure there was no crumb left behind, bro!!!!!

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Chickity Thailand, smoked BBQ chicken!

It was hotter than Sriracha outside today, so we’re back at Adelaide Eats before they shut ‘er down at the end of next week. Now, one the funkiest, hottest stalls in this joint is Cassia Northern Thai BBQ. And this ain’t yer grandpa’s pad thai, bro! This place is smoking their own meats on-site, and serving it up in a plastic cup–I’m about to spend one night in Bangkok with this lemongrass chicken!!!!

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Dude, this bird is THE WORD! The meat is so smokey it can prevent forest fires, and it comes with a nice, crispy skin. Then you’ve got a crunchy green papaya salad and some sticky rice on the side, all washed down with a home-brewed iced tea. It’s like a festival of funk in Flavourtown!!!!

This jerk duck doesn’t suck!

So, it’s another beautiful day in the Flavourhood, and we’re back at Adelaide Eats for some real-deal street food. Dude, they’ve got this Jamaican stand, and when I hear they not only had jerk pulled duck, but they were putting it on poutine…then you know we be jammin’, bro!!!!

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Now, I gotta say, this was NOT some of the best poutine in my life. The fries were thin and crunchy, the cheese curds were cold and most of the jerk gravy ended up at the bottom of the box. Plus, what the funk is up with that white sauce!?

But man, that jerk duck definitely didn’t suck! Good texture, nice chew and just a little bit of a kick. I could put this on a flip-flop, and it would still taste good!

Run to the tacos, bro!!!!

So, we’re hanging out at Budweiser Stage last weekend, where Iron Maiden is bringing the noise and these pulled pork tacos are bringing the funk, courtesy of the Rancho Relaxo food truck:

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OK, let’s break it down. The pulled pork is cooked perfectly, melts in your mouth. You’ve got sour orange, achiote and a crunchy coleslaw on top. And you know I threw down a whole buncha Cholula on top, papi chulo!

Hey, three tacos for 12 bucks maybe ain’t the best deal in the barrio, but it actually cost me less than that lone can of Corona in the background… You know it’s sad but true!

(Whoops, wrong concert, bro!!!!)