This real-deal Ottawa BBQ sure tastes better than a Grey Cup loss!

When the Stamps blow it in the big game for the second year in a row, you KNOW I’m diving face-first into a plate of barbecue, bro!!!! So, we’re hanging out at Meatings, this funky family-run joint on the east end of Ottawa. Dude, this place isn’t New Orleans, it’s in old Orleans, just a 109-yard fumble return from the Place D’Orléans. And they’re smoking their own brisket, pulled pork, chicken ‘n ribs, alongside a whole cheering section of scratch-made sides. Dude, there were more menu items at this place than Argos fans at TD Place!!!!

They may not be serving up a four-meat platter, but for 20 bucks, you get three meats, two sides and dessert–which sure beats giving up a 100-yard TD pass in the snow! 😦 😦 😦

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First up is this BBQ chicken leg. I’m pretty sure I could kick a game-winning field goal with this beauty! Chicken is nice ‘n moist, and it goes great with the caramel sauce that I was supposed to save for dessert. Still, that wasn’t the biggest mistake someone from Calgary made this weekend… 😦 😦 😦

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You know a place knows its BBQ when it asks if you want your brisket lean or fatty. This wasn’t the best brisket I’ve ever had–it was a little bit dry–but it still beats blowing a fourth-quarter lead to a team you beat twice in the regular season! 😦 😦 😦

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Now, these ribs were the star of the show. Nice ‘n smoky, with a good dry rub that had just a bit of a kick to ’em. And unlike another star, they don’t throw an interception in the end zone when all you need is a FG to tie it!!!! 😦 😦 😦 😦 😦 😦

(Not that I’m still upset or anything…)

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4 meats, 1 bun, bro!!!!

So, we’re hanging out at Philthy Philly’s, this funky fresh sandwich joint inside a food fair at Yonge and Gerrard. This place just opened up downtown a couple weeks back, but they’ve got a buncha them in the suburbs already. And it’s sorta like Subway on steroids–serving up some massive meat sammies like this Flavourtown fearsome foursome, The Big Boss:

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Y’know, my motto’s always been, why eat just one meat when you can have four? And they’re piling them up on this massive meatstravaganza right here! You’ve got steak, you’ve got chicken, you’ve got bacon strips AND peameal, all freshly chopped and cooked up on the grill. Top it off with provolone, Cheez Whiz, onions, bell peppers AND holla-atcha-penos, and you’ve got enough stuff to stuff Ben Simmons, bro! But you KNOW we ain’t full yet…

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Why YES, that is a lean, mean pierogi poutine! They basically take a real-deal fries/curds/gravy combo and add bacon, onions, sour cream and four pierogis on top! That’s like eating two meals in one, son! But you know it’s just a side dish in Flavourtown…

philthy_philly_aftermath (2)WE DON’T STOP UNTIL WE’RE DONE, SON!!!!

 

Heeeere piggy piggy!

So, we’re hanging out at Beerbistro last weekend, this funky craft brewpub right on King St. in the heart of downtown Toronto. Now, “Free Bird” might be my favourite Lynyrd Skynyrd tune, but the Saturday Night Special at this joint totally reeks of funkaliciousness. Every weekend, starting at 5 pm, they’re serving up this 22-hour applewood smoked suckling pig that puts the “oink” in honky-tonk redoinkadoink!!!!

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OK, let’s break it down. The pig is super tender and smoky. You’ve got a nice parsnip puree, some purple cabbage and these roasted Brussels sprouts that are so outta bounds, bro! I don’t normally eat Brussels sprouts, but when I do, I slam ’em down with a pound of roast pig!!!!

Of course, one does not simply go to Beerbistro to sip spiced honey mead wine. And you KNOW we ain’t drinkin’ Bud Light tonight, neither! Say bonjour to my little ami, Unibroue’s A Tout Le Monde:

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Dude, this is definitely the best beer named after anything Dave Mustaine had a hand in creating! This fruity saison tastes like being kicked outta Metallica before they made it for drinking too much beer. And with just 4.5% alcohol, I could slam 17 of these!

But you KNOW la bière doesn’t stop there, mon frère! We went deep into the Beerbistro cellar for this one, coming straight outta Shawinigan, son!!!

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L’impératrice is probably the heartiest brew I’ve sunk my face into. This imperial stout is aged in a bourbon barrel, giving it a heavy chocolate/caramel kick. With 10% alcohol, it’s meant to be savoured like a fine wine…so I probably shouldn’t have shotgunned this whole glass. Too late now, bro!!!!

This supersized Caesar will wake you dafuq up!

So, we’re hanging out at Kelly’s Landing, this funky Front St. joint where I once scarfed down some first-line tacos before a Leafs loss. But did you know they’re also open for brunch, bro? From 11 till 3 on weekends, they’re waking you up with bennies, French toast…and this massive monstrosity, The Landing Cure:

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Dude, this is like a traffic cone of vodka in Flavourtown! You’ve got 2 ounces of Absolut with Caesar mix, a lobster tail, a thin slice of pizza, a chunk of jalapeno Havarti cheese and a whole buncha veggies—it seems they’ve omitted the bacon though???

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Now, in case you didn’t get your lobster fix already, they’re also serving up this Bomb.ca lobster benny. You’ve got real-deal Atlantic lobster meat, poached free-range eggs and béarnaise sauce on multi-grain with a whole lotta avocado on the side. It also comes with a salad, but we don’t need to talk about that. You DON’T need a bun to bite this benny lava, bro!!!!

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Siiiign of the Schnitzel Queen – stuff your face and eeeeeat!

So, we’re hanging out at Schnitzel Queen, this funky little Bavarian joint on Queen St E. This place only does one thing, and they do it real well, serving up some massive schnitzel sammies with all kinds of funky toppings. Their signature is the Schnitzel Queen, with saukerkraut, potato salad and roasted onions inside the sandwich…but why settle for a Schnitzel Queen when you can have a Schnitzel King?

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Dude, this sammy is about the same size as a Volkswagen Beetle! You’ve got a massive piece of freshly pounded breaded pork, with some crisp lettuce, tangy house-made sauerkraut and crunchy grilled onions, along with a couple slices of processed cheese (you can get real cheese for 50 cents more). But the bacon is what makes it. I mean, this sammy was already the King of Schnitzeltown, but adding that extra porky goodness just puts it over the top. And hey, there’s no fine April Wine, but they do have Czechvar on tap and Pilsner Urquel and Zywiec in the fridge, so you can still get schnit-faced while stuffing your face with schnitzel, son!

Slammin’ some Swedish cider straight from the can!

I don’t always consume fruit, but when I do, I make sure it has alcohol. So I found these fruit-flavoured ciders at the LCBO, coming straight outta Sweden from these funky dudes at Rekorderlig. These things are like fruit punch in a can, dude!!!

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The best part!? At only 4.5% alcohol, I can slam seven of these and still see the sign! You know I’m a barbie girl, bro!

(Oh wait, they’re from Norway, aren’t they?)

I’ve got a need…a need for BEEF!

So we’re hanging out at Top Gun Steak, this funky little burger joint in Kensington Market. They may not have Tom Cruise on the wall or Kenny Loggins on the stereo, but this place is serving up a whole buncha burgers and steak sammies inspired by the biggest box office smash of 1986. We’re heading right into the danger zone with this one, Goose-bro!

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They call this beefcake Maverick, and it’s just a bitchin’ pair of shades away from flying straight down my piehole. You’ve got a double cheeseburger, topped with havarti, grilled onions, lettuce, tomato–and even a hunka grilled pineapple on top. But wait, one of these patties is lamb!!!??? Shut the back door, bro!!!

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Of course, every burger pilot needs a sidekick, and these chili cheese fries put Goose to shame! You’ve got a rich, meaty chili with big bites of kidney beans, and then a shredded blend of mozza-cheddar on top. And yes, this is real cheese–no queso, bro! Dude, this place is just a Kenny Loggins soundtrack short of sensational. I think we can fix that, though: