Ice Cream Rolls Gone Wild, bro!!!!

Now, if you’re heading down to Chinatown, you might see a sign on Dundas Street for Thai ice cream rolls. I actually tried this delicious dessert last summer, but at Kooj Express, they funk it up a notch with more toppings than you can shake a skull ring at, son!

Now, this place is a bit of a hidden gem. You walk in, and they’ve got a buncha Chinese food sitting under heat lamps, like you’d find in a food court. But in the middle of the room, there’s this real-deal Rolltation 9000 cranking out frozen rolls of deliciousness, righteous bros!!!

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This sweet scoop is heading straight down my piehole, son! You’ve got bananas, M&Ms, strawberries and a marshmellow on top of ice-cold chocolately goodness. And you can choose up to five toppings, so I couldda added one more, but unfortunately, they were all out of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos. Maybe next time, though?

It’s a lamb chops slay-along in Flavourtown!!!

So, we’re hanging out at Mezes, this real-deal Greek restaurant on the Danforth, that’s been serving up authentic comfort classics for more than 20 years. Man, this place has everything: kalamari, souvlaki, mousaka and even kleftiko, which puts the filo in filo-nominal, bro!

But when it comes to Greek food, you know I’m all about that lamb. And when I heard this place is serving up not one, not two, not three but four lamb chops to an order, all for just 23 dollars, I started singing the song that doesn’t end…and I haven’t stopped since!

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This dish is taking me to Funkytown like a buncha spandex-clad cokeheads on a Dutch TV show, bro! And they don’t need no oven, cuz they grill ’em all up to perfection, medium rare with a nice char. It’s kinda like eating a T-bone steak…except that there’s four of them, and they come with rice, potatoes, tzatziki and even a side salad! Opa to ya mutha!!!!

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And yes, I even ate all the salad, too. What I can I say? It’s my cheat day–the one day a week I eat veggies!!!

We’re mackin’ it up at the Mac ‘n Cheese Festival!

M to the A to the C to the K, heading straight down my piehole like back in the day! The Mac ‘n Cheese Festival returns to the rusted-out shell of Ontario Place this weekend, and you know we’re back in plaid, bro! Last year’s edition had some pretty righteous eats, and they might have had a smaller selection this time around…but what they lacked in quantity, they made up for in funkaliciousness!

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The righteous bros and bros-ettes at Thompson Diner were really hollerin’ bout this truffle mac ‘n cheese, so you know I had to check it out! This dish is super-duper-creamy–there was like a half-gallon of cream sauce left at the bottom of the carton! I wouldda drank it all up, too, ‘cept I didn’t have a straw…

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Now, when somebody’s giving away a free grilled cheese mac ‘n cheese sandwich, you know I’m there with flip-flops on! But so was a whole lotta other people, and they were only making these one at a time…so the wait was about 45 minutes. Still, I can’t really complain about free grilled cheese with mac ‘n cheese inside, though!

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Speaking of mac ‘n cheese inside another thing, this funky little Indian joint was serving up mac ‘n cheese samosas with butter chicken sauce–it’s like a festival of funk in Flavourtown!!!!

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One of the longest lineups on the premises was for Bobbie Sue’s, this homestyle mac ‘n cheese shop from Ossington Ave in the heart of Little Portland. This place’s noodles were legit, and then they funked it up by putting a lobster tail on top! Mine was a little undercooked, but you know I like my lobster like I like my steak–still mooing on the plate, bro!!!

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But the highlight of the night at this festival of funk had to be the beer-battered, deep-fried, bacon mac ‘n cheese balls from TCI College. Dude, this is body by beer-battered, deep-fried, bacon mac ‘n cheese balls! And these balls are even cheesier than a German heavy metal music video from the 80’s… You get yer balls to the wall, bro!!!!!

I’m less than impressed with Subway’s panini press!

Now, because the sandwich oven can’t get no lovin’, walks around dog-faced and hurt, Subway has added a new appliance to its Canadian locations. Don’t get me wrong, I can always dig into a righteous Cubano on fresh-pressed Cuban bread…but you ain’t gonna see that at Subway, son! In fact, three of its four paninis are basically the same sammies you can get off the regular menu, albeit on ciabatta–so I went for the one that’s different:

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Subway’s “chicken” cordon bleu comes with big ol’ chunks of I-can’t-believe-it’s-not-chicken, sliced ham, Swiss cheese, tomato and spinach–cuz you can’t put lettuce in a panini press, bro! They actually heat it in the sandwich oven first, then put ‘er in the press to get the bread nice and crispy. And while I do dig me some hot bread, and the hot tomato and melted cheese go nice together…I couldn’t help thinking that this would be so much better if they used chicken that wasn’t 47 per cent soy!!!!

These are the tacos in my neighbourhood…

You know me, this is body by tacos, bro! I’m pretty sure you could make a taco out of a flip-flop, and I’d still eat it. So when I heard there’s this funky neighbourhood joint serving up seven funky-fresh flavours, you know I had to try at least four of them. This is the Barrio on Queen Dream Team, dude!

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Up first, we’ve got the pollo adobado, which is like a pollo loco, but with a better lawyer. Here’s some marinated grilled chicken, pickled red onions and cilantro heading straight down my piehole, bro!!!

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Take it from me, carnitas is my Taco Tuesday go-to, bro! And this place is 2 legit 2 quit, with salsa borracha, pico de gallo and cilantro rounding out the taco!

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You ever get double the meat at Subway and go, “Man, I wish they did that with a taco?” Well, your prayers have been answered–say hello to mi amigo campechano! This super-delish dish combines steak and chorizo for a double down in Flavourtown!!!!

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And finally, we’ve got el pescado–the dopest fish in the sea. This one comes battered and fried with chipotle mayo and Mexican coleslaw–I don’t know what that is, but I’d still put it on a flip-flop!!!!

It’s a pig, cow and goat burger, bro!!!!

So, we’re hanging out at Royal Meats, just a Darwin Barney grounder away from Rogers Centre on Fort York Blvd. Now, today is officially Hamburger Day, so you know I gotta get something between two buns, son! But I can’t just have any regular old burger–I gotta go with something so outta bounds, it bounces off the foul pole…this is the Royal Deluxe with Cheese:

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OK, so here’s the deal. They take two burger patties, which are made from a mixture of ground pork and veal, put some ham and goat cheese in between, and roll it all up like a Juicy Lucy doobie doobie doo! Only I ain’t gonna smoke this shit–I’m gonna shove it straight down my piehole! The cheese is warm and creamy, you’ve got a nice crust on the meat, and then lettuce, tomatoes and pickles to cool it down. This was definitely the messiest burger I’ve had in a while–I even got some hot cheese on my arm–but man, did it ever hit the spot! Happy Burger Day, brosephs and bro-settes!!!

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Gelato Battalo Royalo: Arte vs. Dolce

So, last week we’re chillin’ like a villain with some super-sweet eats, son! Cuz when it’s 275 degrees in Toronto, you know we needs some ice-cold refreshment. And no, I ain’t talkin’ no ice cream man, bro! I want an orgasmo italiano in my mouth-o! So we’ve found two of the funkiest gelato joints in the city, and it’s all a question of art or sweetness. Let’s break it down:

Arte Gelato (946 Bloor St W)

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This cozy corner cafe sits halfway between Ossington and and Dufferin, but they get their ingredients from halfway around the world. Right here we’ve got hazelnut topped with a sweet dulce de leche flavour that’s got some real raspberries thrown right in. It’s like two scoops of funky in Flavourtown!

Dolce Gelato (414 Danforth Ave)

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Now, at Dolce on the Danforth, they’ve got more flavours than Flava Flav’s Flavor of Love! There was so many different kinds of chocolate I didn’t know which one to choose from. But I ended up with the cherry chocolate, and then the marshmallow, with some graham crackers on top!? That’s like S’mores Gone Wild, son!

While I could eat both of these gelatos all day, and all of the night, I gotta give the edge to Dolce. Man, you could put graham crackers on a flip-flop, and it would still taste good!!!!