FINAL FOUR FOOD: Feedin’ my Frankenstein at Alice Cooper’s restaurant!

Now, when I heard that Alice Cooper had his own sports bar just a Randy Johnson seagull-destroying fastball from Chase Field, you know I had to be there with bell-bottoms on, bro! This place has got gold records on the wall, NHL hockey(!) on the big screen, and even a signed photo of the 1993 Montreal Canadiens. Not even making this up, mon frère!

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And even though Randy Johnson mighta hung up his ugly-ass purple jersey a few years back, they’ve still got a 22-inch hot dog in his honour called The Big Unit. Whenever one of these bad boys comes outta the kitchen, they ring a bell, and everybody yells “Big Unit!” It’s like a grand slam home run in Flavourtown, son!

But as appealing as shoving a 22-inch sausage straight down my piehole might sound, it didn’t seem like such a good idea at 11 am. So instead, I went with the Welcome to My Nightmare Nachos:

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These chips were topped with cheese sauce, jalapeños, cheese and Alice’s signature Nightmare chili–which was much more bean than beef. And the cheese-sauce to real-cheese ratio was about 3-to-1, which was a bit of a bummer bro! These nachos were not the stuff that dreams are made of…

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Of course, one does not simply walk in to Alice Cooper’stown and only eat nachos! Now, I coulda gone with the No More Mr. Nice Guy Chicken Pasta, or the School’s Out for Summer St. Louis Style Ribs, but instead I opted for the Billion Dollar BLT, baby!

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This classic, simple dish helped cleanse my palate after all the chili n jalapeños and nacho cheese. Just a basic BLT, but with a whole pile of crispy bacon, cooked perfectly, on Texas Toast…or so they say. If that’s Texas Toast, then I’m Yokozuna, son! More like Texas Toast on a diet! But the Ballad of Dwight French Fries were Super Duper Alice Cooper crispy n delicious, and this dish won’t set ya back a cool billion–it’s only $9.99, my little bronies!

And hey, you gotta love a place that plays Spoonman by Soundgarden, Judith by A Perfect Circle and Rush’s Tom Sawyer all within a half hour. I was air-drumming like Neil Peart on Percocets, dude! Not a single Alice Cooper song on the stereo the entire time I was there, though!!!!

FINAL FOUR FOOD: Double cheeseburger, chili cheese fries…and a Diet Coke

I told you Gonzaga was going all the way, bro!!! Well, OK, they lost to Carolina in the NCAA Final, so I probably owe Eric Church a cold one or two. But as soon as the Zags punched their ticket to Phoenix for the Final Four, so did the Triple B Crew. And you know we’re not (just) loading up on carbs before the game, dude! So, over the next few days, we’re rolling out the Final Four of funky fresh Phoenician eateries…can you smell what the desert is cookin’?

So, after watching the Zags beat the Cocks in an epic game on Saturday, I went to grab some grub, bro. But there were so many people on the concourse, that I could only go as far as the closest concession stand–the Gridiron Grill.

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By this point I hadn’t eaten anything since airport food at 8 am, so you know I went BIG. Why have a burger when you can get a double cheeseburger, bro? And why settle for fries when chilli cheese fries are on the menu? Of course, I washed it all down with an extra large Diet Coke, cuz I’m counting my calories…still counting…OK, so maybe I can’t count that high.

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OK, let’s break it down. The burger patties are nice and meaty, although they’re well beyond medium well. The pickles add some freshness, and the cheese is as processed as a clinical procedure. The fries are thick ‘n crispy, but when you pour concession stand chilli on em and put concession stand cheese on top, this dish is a hot mess and a half, dudeson!!!

We’re chowing down on Subway’s crispy “chicken” sandwich!

Man, when I heard that Subway’s chicken was only 53.6 per cent actual chicken, I never wanted to eat there again. Especially since the main ingredient in their “chicken” was soy. Dude, I wouldn’t eat a soy sandwich if it was covered in deep-fried jalapenos and smothered in smoky barbecue sauce, son! But then I heard that Subway was serving up a crispy chicken sandwich, so you know I had to try it—this is body by crispy chicken, bro!

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OK, now let’s break it down. You’ve got a tasty mixture of rib meat and water, a nice kick from the corn syrup, some tangy vinegar powder, corn starch and tapioca. Just a bit of sweetness from the brown sugar, a touch of salt, dextrose, garlic powder and onion powder. And then there’s the chicken-type flavour, made from corn gluten, yeast extract and preservatives. Dude, I would eat that stuff off a flip-flop!

At the end of the day, this basically tastes more or less the same as the crispy chicken sandwich Mr. Sub’s been serving up for years…except that Mr. Sub has slightly better bread. Oh, and mushrooms. Mushrooms are TheBomb.ca, bro!!!!

 

 

This Persian-style burger is completely popping with flavour!

So, we’re cruisin’ down Dundas on Saturday, and it’s raining lions, tigers and bears. I forgot to put the top up on the Camaro, probably cuz I was still drunk on tacos from last night, so right now I’m wetter than a widowed wallaby in wintertime, and I need to stop somewhere to get out of the rain. That’s when I spotted this friendly neighbourhood Persian place over by the AGO called Sumac Kabob Kitchen.

Now, they’ve got all kinds of Middle-Eastern comfort food at this place–they even have a Persian poutine!–but it was the nine-dollar burger special that caught my eye. These days, I’d eat pretty much anything for nine bucks, bro…unless maybe it was vegan. And this ain’t no Burger King, two-for-five-dollar deal sammy either, son. Feast your eyes on this thing of beauty:

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The beef was nicely seasoned, with some nice Middle-Eastern spices to it. You’ve got lettuce, tomato and red onions, and those shawarma-style pickle spears that I really dig. Then they poured a buncha garlic sauce on top, and put it in a pillowy potato bun–nothing wrong with that at all! My only complaint is that the sign said it also came with fries, but there were no french-fried potaters on my plate. That’s like Grand Theft Potato in Flavourtown, bro!!!!!!

Taco bout March Madness—AYCE tacos in Waterloo!

So, we’re hanging out at Taco Farm, this funky, family-owned joint in Uptown Waterloo, where they’re serving up all-you-can-eat tacos once a week for Waddle Out Wednesdays. And this ain’t some shitty, mystery-meat in a yellow shell type deal, either—this is a real-deal multicourse meal, dude! They make the tortillas right in front of your face, and you can top them with seven different kinds of proteins—well, make that six different kinds. They were all sold out of calamari by the time the Triple B crew rolled up. Hey man, the traffic on the 401 was far beyond driven!

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So we’re kicking it off with the crispy fried chicken—cuz I didn’t get enough fried chicken tacos last weekend. And we’re topping it off with pickled cabbage, salsa verde, Mexican corn and queso fresco! Yo quiero about seven more of these, bro!

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Next up, we’ve got the cornmeal crusted whitefish. Dude, cornmeal crusted whitefish was my nickname at swim camp! This one is super crunchy, with the breading adding a nice texture to the light, crisp fish.

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Now, this beef and potato ragu was so far outta bounds, it snuck into the locker room and stole Tom Brady’s jersey, bro! Picture a rich, hearty beef and potato stew…but in a taco. There’s nothing wrong with that at all!

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And then we’ve got the garlic pulled chicken. You could really taste the grill marks on this one, with a nice BBQ-style texture. This one goes great with corn and cabbage…and surprisingly well with pineapple!

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Now this one was a personal Flavourtown favourite: Say hello to my little friend pork hominy stew! You’ve got rich, meaty chunks of pork, some hominy grains, a couple carrots, maybe a potato or two… Bro, I would eat this off a flip-flop!

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It must suck to be vegan at a place like this. All these tasty taco toppings to choose from, and the only one you can eat is the black bean frijoles. Now, don’t get me wrong, I loves me some frijoles, but they’re best served as a side dish, not the star of the show. But hey, now if you pile some of that pulled chicken on top, it’s a whole ‘nother ballgame, bro!!!!

Now, if you think I only ate six tacos for $19.99, you must be loco en la cabeza, hermano! You know me and the crew, we went back for seconds, thirds, fourths, fifths and sixths…but after that, we totally still had room for dessert! And when we heard that they had not one kind, but two kinds of churros, it was totally time to go all Charles Barkley on that shit!

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Now, I gotta say, I was a little disappointed that they put the Mexican chocolate and the dolce de leche on the plate, and not inside the churro itself. But if you’re gonna serve me some deep-fried, battered dough with chocolate on the side, I won’t ever say no to that one, bro!!!!!!!!!

Imma chugga-chugga choo choo this classic cocktail, dude!

So, we’re hanging out at York Station, this cozy little bar on the second floor of the Royal York Hotel. This place is so small, and hidden around a corner, that most people don’t even know it’s there. But they’ve been serving up classic cocktails and cheap eats since the 70’s–and when I say they, I mean Alina, the bartender, who’s been pouring drinks for 40 years!!!!!

Now, don’t get me wrong, I still slammed a couple Steamwhistles, but in a place like this, you want to get a classic, old-school drink, so I went all Don Draper and ordered an old fashioned, with bourbon:

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This drink was TheBomb.ca, bro! You’ve got a nice boozy kick from the bourbon, a couple dashes of bitters, a splash of club soda and a cherry on top! I’m pretty sure I could pound three of these and still deliver the winning pitch to Lucky Strike!

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Now, if you’re not just having a liquid lunch, they’ve got all sorts of homestyle deli sandwiches for just two bucks a pop. You’ve got roast beef, salami and cheese, thickly sliced chicken and smoked salmon, plus a few more not seen here. They definitely don’t short-change ya on the meat though, bro–and the pickle is free!

But hey, if you wanna stop by after work, you gotta get here early–they’re only open from 12 to 7, Mondays through Fridays. Then again, you can always hit up the Library Bar downstairs for a pint or seven of the home-brewed Apiary Ale, son!!!!!

Four fried chicken tacos and a Coke, bro!

Now, I don’t always eat at Taco Bell, but when I do, it’s go big, or go home, bro! So, when I heard they were rollin’ out the Naked Chicken Chalupa–a totally tubular take on a taco with a fricken’ fried-chicken shell–you KNOW I was all over that like Guy Fieri on fajitas, friend-o! Now, when it comes to such a crazy culinary creation, there’s no way Jose that I could eat just one…so I asked myself, what would John Belushi do?

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Exactamundo, bro! So I ordered up four of these deep-fried lifeboats in Flavourtown…and a Pepsi, cuz you can’t get Coke at Taco Bell or something.

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Now, this dish was so far outta bounds, it went straight down to Flavourtown like the Round Mound of Rebound going to town on a churro, bro! The chicken shell was hot and crispy, straight from the deep-fryer, with a hit of Mexican spices. Then you’ve got lettuce, tomato, cheese and border ranch sauce, for that finger-licking goodness.

Dude, this might just be the best thing since the Double Down–and I loves me some Double Downs, son! Pretty sure I could slam another five or six of these…and still have room for Fries Supreme!

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