If Drake was a chicken finger, this is the kind of chicken finger he’d be

So we’re hanging out at the ACC, watching some barely legal boys hockey, Switzerland versus Trumpistan, and I’m hungry like a hippo, bro! I see they no longer serve Philly cheesesteak–which is probably a good thing–but all of the options ain’t looking too tasty…until I saw the Hot Lime Bling. You know that can only mean one thing–straight down my piehole, bro!

hot_lime_bling-6

Alright, here’s the deal. They take chicken fingers, dip ’em in Frank’s Red Hot, put some grated parm on top and a little lime on the side. This actually tastes pretty good–the acid from the lime offsets some of the heat, and hey, the fries are hot and crispy. But 13 bucks for three little fingers!? That’s like a backroom shakedown in Flavourtown!

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Guy’s American Bar is in Times Square, but its Kitchen must be in a distant suburb of Flavortown…

(Originally written January 23, 2013)

What trip to New York City would be complete without a visit to celebrity chef Guy Fieri’s Times Square joint, which received such a glowing review in the Times?  As a big fan of Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives (the show, not the fat fuck who hosts it), I of course had to come check it out.  Were the Awesome Pretzel Chicken Tenders really not so awesome?  Did the watermelon margarita really taste like formaldehyde?  My life would not be complete without the answers to these questions.  But, much to my dismay, I see they’ve omitted the formaldehyde martini.  The chicken tenders, on the other hand, are very much still a menu item:

awesome_chicken_tenders

Now, I will agree with NYT food critic Pete Wells in that I would’ve never guessed that the breading contains either pretzels or smoked almonds.  That said, they really weren’t that bad.  Big, hot and crispy…  Better (and more expensive) than the chicken fingers I buy at Costco, that’s for sure!  Also, the Donkey Sauce really added an extra kick.  At least, I think that’s what it was called.  It was really just a spicy mustard.  Anyways, while the tenders were at least partially awesome, I can’t exactly say the same about the pulled pork tacos…

pulled_pork_tacos

Now, while the pork itself had the right amount of tang, it wasn’t even remotely warm.  And the random sprinkling of corn, cheese and semen-lookalike white sauce didn’t really add much of an extra kick.  This dish does not reside in Flavourtown, put it that way!

Alas, while there were initial reports of the place being packed, it was half-empty when I arrived around noon on a Sunday.  And yet, even though there were only three people sitting at the downstairs bar, the food-runner still managed to give my grub to the other folks–before he was chastised by the barkeep.  Granted, it might seem weird for one person to order two appetizers, but man, their mains were fucking expensive!

On the plus side, I take some comfort in knowing that the cooks all washed their hands before preparing my pork tacos.  I’m assuming they read the sign, anyways…

must_wash_hands