Tag Archives: Donald Trump

This Donald Trump sandwich is full of bologna and B.S.

So, here’s the deal. Waaaay back in January, when Donald Trump running for president was just a silly joke, a Vermont deli was serving up this special sandwich when The Donald came to town:

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But I guess nobody’s a big fan of bologna in Burlington, cuz not a single person ordered it. I can’t say I blame them–$20.16 is quite the price to pay for a whole crapload of bologna! But as Trump continues to put his foot in his mouth on the campaign trail, I figured it was time to put his sandwich in mine. That’s right, I am about to become the first to consume The Donald* in sandwich form!

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OK, so I couldn’t find any white American cheese here in Canada. I’m not even sure if that’s a thing. But I figured I’d substitute some Cracker Barrel Swiss, since I’ve heard that white Americans like to eat there. Although, this so-called Swiss cheese has no holes in it, unlike The Donald’s so-called foreign policy…

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I figured a sandwich like this should have no fewer than six strips of bacon, which is the number of times Trump’s filed for bankruptcy plus the number of times he’s filed for divorce. I’m taking this one straight to bacon court!

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OK, so while I did use spicy deli mustard, I made sure it wasn’t allowed on the cutting board with the bologna and the white bread. Because we don’t build walls here in Canada, bro!

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The Donald and this sandwich even go to the same barber, although I think the sandwich has a slightly better mustard cut…

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And here’s how it looks when you put it altogether. I was originally thinking of going double-decker, but that’s no way I could fit all that into my mouth, bro. You’ve got a whole lotta meaty flavour from all the bologna, a nice chew from the bacon, some sharpness from the cheese, and a nice kick from the mustard. The tomato adds a bit of tang, but I probably didn’t add enough lettuce. Then again, I don’t think The Donald has an environmental policy, so it’s probably best to stay away from the green stuff…

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Now, I know what you’re thinking. Can somebody really stomach all that bologna in one sitting? Well, I gotta say, I started off pretty good, taking nice big bites cuz I was hungry as a hippo. After a while, it got kinda hard to chew, and the white bread started to crumble under all that bologna. When I was getting toward the end, it was tough just to keep all the bologna down. I thought I was about to hurl, bro…just like when I saw Trump talking about abortion!

But I did eventually make it through, after some hard swallows and long gulps of iced tea. I would definitely not eat that much bologna again, though. Here’s hoping they serve up some Ted Cruz breakfast tacos at the Republican Convention**!

*according to the Kountry Kart Deli recipe. A D.C. diner made a Trumpwich of its own, but it’s missing a few key ingredients…

**Not that I would vote for Cruz. When it comes to fellow Calgarians, I’d go with country and western star Theo Fleury for president over that asshat!!!

These whitefish doughnuts make America great again!

America has been getting a bad rap lately. The Globe and Mail said “The food is amazing – but you shouldn’t eat here, ever.” Toronto Life said “the food is inflated to the extreme, both in size and price” while DineSafe added “Operator fail to ensure food is not contaminated/adulterated.” OK, I’m pretty sure they were just nitpicking on that one. But most Torontonians I know say they’d never give their money to Donald Trump, to which I say “Atlantic City, baby!”

Or Adelaide St W, as the case may be. Located at the top of the Toronto Trump Tower, this funky joint greets you with portraits of all the celebrities who ate there before they boycotted the place. But man, you’d hafta build a wall to keep me away! I’ve got two words for you: Whitefish. Doughuts.

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These flaky fish Timbits were lightly fried for a nice crunch and came swimming in a sea of tangy beet juice. My only complaint was that there’s only three to an order—I could eat about 30! But hey, that was only the first course…

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Holy Bacon-Wrapped Meat Loaf, Batman! This yuge slab of beef/bacon paired up with some German-style cabbage for the perfect bite. I dunno guy, but I could eat this off the tailpipe of a ’67 Camaro and still have room for dessert!

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They call this dish “Jasper Hill Cheddar Whiz.” It’s kinda like Cheez Whiz gone mousse. My only complaint was with the nutty cracker things. I coulda used some nachos, bro!

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God Bless America Restaurant, and no place else!