They’re already calling it the Miracle on Ice 2018–so says the Canadian curling commentators, anyways. A couple years back, 10 guys tried out for the U.S. National Curling Team, four guys got cut…and then they formed their own Team of Rejects, beat the other two teams and made it to the Olympics. But this story’s just getting started, son!
After losing four of their first six games, Team USA reels off six in a row, beating Canada not once, but twice, and defeating Team Sweden for their country’s first ever gold medal in curling. Dude, that’s so gangster, it’s like that time when 3rd Bass beat down Henry Rollins, bro! In honour of John Shuster and the rink from Duluth Curling Club, I’m about to throw down one of Minnesota’s greatest culinary creations, the Juicy Lucy burger:
OK, I’ve never been to the 5-8 Club or Matt’s Bar in Minneapolis, so the best cheese-stuffed cheeseburger I’ve ever had was at Royal Meats, this massive meat palace just a raised double takeout away from the Rogers Centre. They call it the Royal Deluxe, and they don’t just put beef in this burger–it’s got pork, it’s got veal, and then it’s stuffed with ham and goat cheese, bro! I’m gonna hurry, hurry hard this one straight to the button…and by the button, I mean straight down my piehole!!!
Dude, Germany beat Sweden at hockey!? Men’s hockey!!!??? Man, that never happens! I mean, the last time Germany won anything was…actually, I can’t even think of a time when Germany won. Talk about a major upset–and a righteous reason to break out the German smoke beer, bro!
Dude, so we’re hanging out at Laylow, this cozy craft beer joint on College, where they’re serving up some Maerzen Schlenkerla smokebeer, straight outta Bamburg! This brew is rich, dark and smokey, and about eight bucks a bottle at the bar. Now, I dunno about the game tomorrow, but I’m guessing these tasty brewskis won’t be the only Germans getting pounded by some Canadians!!!!
Oh man, was that was one helluva ice dance last night, or what? Virtue and Moir, the greatest ice dancers of all time, had to make an epic comeback after the French team of Papadakis and Cizeron came out and set a new world record. Papadakis had a major wardrobe malfunction in the free skate, but it still looked like they were gonna win gold…until Tessa and Scott came through in the clutch and set an even newer world record. Boom goes the ice-dance-amite!!!!
Man, it’s gotta suck knowing that you’re one of the greatest, but someone else is just a bit better than you. That’s kinda like being the duck breast in this delicious duck double down, bro!
Don’t get me wrong, I love duck breast just as much as the next broseph, but for me, duck confit is where it’s at. So, when I heard that Le Batifole, this friendly neighbourhood French joint on Gerrard, was combining them both into one iconic French duo, I was so into that like a Macron handshake, mec! But even though the breast was succulent and juicy, I still had to give it to the confit on this one. It scored higher marks in technical execution, son!
The Dutch continue to dominate in long track speed skating, winning six of the eight races in the Olympics so far–and more than one medal in three different distances. Hell, the only Canadian to win anything is actually a Dutchman–he moved here four years ago when he couldn’t make the Dutch team. Speed skating is definitely their national sport…and this right here is their national snack. We’re talkin’ bitterballen, bro!
These round mounds of Flavourtown are deep-fried and crispy, stuffed with beef and cabbage. (You could get a vegetarian version, but why?) They come five to an order for $7.75 at Borrel, this friendly neighbourhood Dutch bar on the Danforth. Or you can get 10 for 15 bucks. Man, I’m pretty sure I could slam at least 17 of these, but I wanted to save room for this threaded beef sandwich:
They call this stuff draadjesvlees, and it’s the breakfast of speed-skating champions. What you’ve got is seasoned beef, cooked low ‘n slow till you can pull it apart, then served up on a fresh bakery bun with some coleslaw on top. It’s pretty much the pulled pork of beef sandwiches. Rumour has it that Sven Kramer choked in the 10K cuz he didn’t eat enough draadjesvlees!
But you KNOW we’ve still got room for dessert, bro! They call these poffertjes, and they’re practically pancakes on steroids…if steroids made round things smaller. (Oh, wait!) These fluffy buckwheat nuggets are covered in butter and icing sugar, and served up by the plateful. I’d give ’em the gold medal in long track speed-eating!
The puck is about to drop between Team Canada and the Czechs, so here’s a sneak preview of the game…in schnitzel form. (Let’s just say the Czechs get slaughtered!) We’re hanging out at Schnitzel Queen, this funky little schnitzel joint on Queen St E.
Now, there are a lotta Olympic countries that eat schnitzel, from Germany to Austria, Switzerland to Slovakia–but the owner of this joint is half-Czech and they’ve even got Czechvar on tap. So if you’re looking to slam down a few brews before the big game, you’d better hurry over there, cuz they’re only open till 10 pm!
There might be some other places that serve schnitzel in this city, but they’re probably not as big as this one. Dude, half of this sandwich would be a full meal for a starving Czech hockey player, but you know it’s just a light snack in Flavourtown, bro! They call this one the Schnitzel King, and it’s got bacon, onions, sauerkraut, lettuce and cheese. All parts of a balanced Canadian powerplay, Wojtek Bro-Ski!!!
Right now, Norway is leading the way at the 2018 Olympics with nine medals–seven of them in cross country skiing or ski jumping. (They don’t call it nordic combined for nothing, dude!) For the Norwegians, dominating these disciplines is a piece of cake–make that Kvæfjordkake:
This Norwegian national dessert glides through your mouth like Maren Lundby on a ski jump, bro! Basically, you take meringue, and top it with cream and almonds, with a couple extra layers of cream inside. This super-creamy cake dreamy also goes great with a Kissmeyer Nordic Pale Ale after some smoked fish and chicken, like they’re serving up at Karelia Kitchen!
Dude, you KNOW I love the Olympics, bro! You’ve got curling, you’ve got two-man luge–and my personal favourite, the ice dance. So now that the Olympics are underway in PyeongChang, I’m gonna be chowing down on delicious dishes from every country that should win at least a few medals. (No Olympic Mad Eats from Russia, bro!!!) Starting off with this funky chicken from the host country:
Now, if you’ve ever walked down the yellow brick road also known as the PATH in Downtown Toronto, you may or may not have seen this place. Right as you’re about to head out of 121 King Street, there’s this funky little Korean stand on the corner called Hoga–you might notice the lineup. People go nuts for this stuff! Man, they’re serving up all kinds of Korean and Asian eats, from bulgogi to katsu, kimchi to japchae. But my personal favourite is this kickin’ Korean chicken.
It’s got enough heat to wake you up in time for the short-track speedskating semi-finals, but it won’t wipe you out–unlike certain Korean short-track speedskaters. And dude, all this food is still only about seven bucks after tax. You won’t get that kinda screamin’ deal at the athletes’ village!