This bacon-wrapped BLT dog is a slice of trailer park paradise!

Now, there’s a whole buncha country bars on Broadway, but Paradise Park Trailer Resort has gotta be the most Red-red-red-red-red-redneck of ‘em all! This place has got a hillbilly band playing on top of a muscle car, local craft beers in plastic cups—not to mention 6-dollar pitchers of Natty Light—and has all kinds of killer redneck fast food, like this culinary creation, the Paradise BLT Dog:

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Ok, so here’s the deal. They take an all-beef wiener, wrap it in bacon, and deep fry it, then serve it up in a bun with lettuce, tomato and mayo. It’s like BLTs Gone Wild, bro!!!

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Of course, you can’t scarf down a deep-fried, bacon-wrapped hot dog with a side salad, so we went with the chili cheese fries. Nothing wrong with taters, meaty chili and all kinds of processed queso, bro!

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Washed it all down with a Portly Stout by local brewer Turtle Anarchy. First time I’ve ever drank a stout in a solo cup…and it was magically delicious!!!

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Meat and three? Could I maybe get a three meat and one?

So, we’re hanging out at Puckett’s Grocery, this legendary local institution in the Nashville area. This place is serving up all kinds of southern comfort food, including a breakfast buffet, but they’re known for their Chalkboard Specials: One meat, 3 sides for just $10.99…but only from 11 am until 3 in the afternoon!

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They switch up their meats everyday, but this time they had a choice of pulled pork, smoked pork chop or fried chicken. Now, I don’t think I’ve ever had a smoked pork chop before, so I went with turnip greens, French fries and Mac n cheese alongside. (The mac was an extra buck fiddy, but no biggie!)

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Dude, that chop was packed with super-smoky flavour in every bite. You’ve got a nice, buttery bowl of greens, and a consistently creamy mac. The fries were really nothing special, but overall, I ain’t complaining!!!

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Washed it all down with a five-dollar Mason jar of Southern Wit, a tasty local wheat beer that I first tried my last time here. All that, and it was still less than 20 bucks—that’s a Tennessee highway robbery in Flavourtown!!!!

COUNTRY SUPERSTAR BAR SHOWDOWN: Blake Shelton’s Ole Red vs Dierks Bentley’s Whiskey Row

Although there are plenty of classic country bars on Nashville’s Lower Broadway, like Tootsie’s, Robert’s and Nudies, there have also been a few new ones named after big time country stars, like Alan Jackson’s Good Time Bar and Jason Aldean’s Crazy Town. The latest one to hit the strip is Ole Red, which has Blake Shelton’s fingerprints, if not his name, on it.

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When I stepped in off the street, the in-house band was just finishing up a George Jones tune, which is always a good sign. Their repertoire was also heavy on George Strait and Conway Twitty, and I actually heard them play Clint Black’s “Killin’ Time” twice, which might be one of the best country-music drinking songs of the 1990’s…

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Speaking of drinking, this place has got its own signature Ole Red Ale, brewed by Nashville’s Fat Bottom Brewing. It’s a pretty mild red beer, which tastes more or less like Rickard’s Red…but it does happen to be named after a Blake Shelton hit single.

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Ole Red actually has four floors. The second floor is a little more cozy than the first, and features this bitchin’ buffalo head, along with several TV screens showing the NHL playoffs. I definitely spent some time up here, pounding Music City Light beers…

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From there I headed up to the rooftop, where the most country song on the playlist was by Taylor Swift. But it did have a pretty sweet view of Nissan Stadium, along with some tasty snacks.

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Dude, you can’t get much more country than beef jerky and corn nuts in a mason jar, bro! This jerky was nice and tender, not too hard to chew, and the chili-spiced corn nuggets added an extra kick. But the best was yet to come…

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Hot pretzels are pretty much my favourite stadium snack, bro, and this one’s the size of a Marcus Mariota TD gallop! Plus, it comes with this super-creamy queso dip… dude, I’d put that on a flip-flop!!!!

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Washed it all down with a Dogfish Head Sea Quench Ale, this super-citrusy brew from Delaware’s finest brewery. This totally took some of the heat off those corn nuts!!!!

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Now, when I walked into Dierks Bentley’s Whiskey Row, some burly, bearded dude was singing “Any Man of Mine” by Shania Twain. I fucking shit you not. And while there were plenty of screens showing the basketball game, you weren’t gonna get any craft beer here—they had Miller Lite, Bud Light, Coors Light and Michelob Ultra on ice.

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After a couple more songs, I headed up to the second floor, where an all-white band was playing Bob Marley. This floor had a slightly better beer selection—if you consider Blue Moon slightly better beer—but once the drummer started singing Stevie Wonder, I was gone, gone, gone…

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Whiskey Row claims to have the highest rooftop patio in Nashville…where a DJ was playing some crappy rap music. I don’t think I lasted more than 10 minutes!!!

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After grabbing a non-light beer on the second floor, I headed down to Floor One to hear the band play 90’s radio rock staples by Eve 6 and the Gin Blossoms, before launching into the Uncle Kracker version of “Drift Away.” (Trust me, it was the Uncle Kracker version.) But at least I hung around long enough to hear em play “Drink in My Hand,” “Friends in Low Places” and, uh, “Sweet Caroline.” This floor was definitely the lesser of three evils.

FINAL VERDICT: Even though Blake Shelton loses 500 points off the top for recording “Boys Round Here,” his bar still wins by a landslide. Dierks Bentley’s joint is so un-country, it makes “Somewhere on a Beach” sound like “Your Cheatin’ Heart.” Man, I’d rather stick a pink umbrella in my drink at Florida Georgia Line’s FGL House Sundaze Brunch than go back to Whiskey Row, bro!!!!!!

Sometimes, to get the real-deal hot chicken, you gotta go to Nashville…

Happy Nashlorette Party, dudettes! So, we’re down in the Music City, hanging out at Hattie B’s, the most popular hot chicken joint in town. People line up over an hour for this stuff—and that’s just the sweaty lineup for the bathroom, bro!!!

Now me, I wanted to get Redneck Crazy with the Boys Round Here without having to Fire Away, so I just went with the medium:

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I gotta say, this is some of the crunchiest fried chicken I’ve ever had. And the chicken itself tasted like you get at the deli counter when it’s still nice and fresh. Nothing wrong with that at all! As for the heat level, I’d say it was about the same as a good Buffalo wing. You get a nice kick, but it doesn’t melt your face off, unless you decide to kick it up another notch (or three)…

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Still, to play it safe, I went with a couple of cool and creamy sides. I’d give the coleslaw an edge over the tater salad, but I wouldn’t kick either outta my picnic basket! And it’s hard to believe that all this food is just nine bucks, bro!!!

I gotta give Hattie B’s the edge when it comes to value and crunchaliciousness, but I gotta say, the best Nashville hot chicken I’ve ever had has still gotta be at Chica’s Chicken. Now, THAT bird is the word, surfer bro!!!!

You know I like my steak fried, too…

When I was in Nashville, before I headed down to the Grand Ole Opry, I stopped by Logan’s Roadhouse, which is kinda like Montana’s…if Montana’s was actually American. But man, these prices are on point–you can get an app, a main and a beer for less than the price of a rack of ribs in Toronto, bro!

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Of course, you’re not gonna find country-fried steak north of the border. This hunka-hunka burning beef is breaded and deep-fried to perfection, with country gravy on top! Then you’ve got mashed potatoes, with more country gravy, and a skewer of mushrooms. But the deep-fried goodness don’t stop there, bro!!!!

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They call these Roadhouse Shrooms and they’ve got me trippin’ balls in Flavourtown, bro! These crispy, breaded mushrooms are straight outta deep-fryer, and they’re still so hot they burned my hand, not to mention my face! And yes, I know I already had an order of mushrooms on the side, but there’s no such thing as too much mushrooms, broseph!!!!!

NASHVILLE MUSEUM MUNCHIES: Johnny Cash chili dog vs George Jones tritip dip

While the Country Music Hall of Fame might be the biggest attraction in Nashville, it ain’t the only museum in town. Two of the greatest country singers of all time also have their own hallowed halls–three if you count the Patsy Cline Museum upstairs from Johnny’s. (It’s a separate admission, though.)

JOHNNY CASH’S CHILI DOG

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Now, right down by the gift shop and the main entrance, there’s a little cafe serving up coffee, tea, sammies and what they call Johnny Cash’s chili. Not sure what the tie-in is, but if you put it on a hotdog with chips and a drink, all for less than 10 bucks, it’s hard for me NOT to shove it down my piehole:

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Now, first of all, this dog is pretty legit. It’s thick, juicy with a nice snap to it. The chili itself was OK, not too spicy, with some nice beans…but it coulda been alittle more beefy. Oh, and I paid 25 cents extra to add onions, cuz you can’t have a hot dog without onions, bro!

GEORGE JONES TRITIP DIP

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The George Jones on 2nd Ave is basically a sports/music bar with a museum on top. This place has got all kinds of Tennessee Whiskey, and even smokes its own BBQ–like this in-house special, the tritip dip sandwich:

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This was actually one of the best beef dips I’ve had in a while. The beef was nice n tender, the horseradish cheddar cheese is on point, and the au jus tastes like it’s supposed to. Did I mention it comes with a side of waffle fries?

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These spuds are pretty solid, son! Thick and crispy, nice n salty, tastes good with or without ketchup… I could eat these all day!

THE VERDICT: Johnny Cash would even tell ya that George Jones was his favourite country singer–and he’s got the better restaurant, too.

NASHVILLE HOEDOWN SHOWDOWN: Tootsies Orchid Lounge vs Robert’s Western World

Now, you can’t throw a horseshoe on Broadway without hitting a country music venue, but if you want the best, you gotta go up the street a bit to the corner of Broadway and 5th. Both Tootsies and Roberts have been around forever, and they’re bound to put a honky in your tonk, son! So, let’s break it down:

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TOOTSIES ORCHID LOUNGE: For my Toronto bros, if the Bovine was a country bar, it would be Tootsies. This little hole in the wall can fit maybe 200 people, and they sure pack ’em in! The stage is right in the window, and has barely enough space for a five-piece band–who on this evening peppered their George Jones and Merle Haggard covers with modern hits by Eric Church, Zach Brown, Cole Swindell and Chris Stapleton. (Of course, there were country classic singalongs like “Country Road” and “The Gambler” thrown in there too.)

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Beer is mostly of the cheap, domestic variety–although it’s not cheap, with a bottle of Blue Moon for seven bucks. You can actually get better beers at the Bovine, bro!!!

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ROBERT’S WESTERN WORLD: Now, Robert’s is at least twice, if not three times the size of Tootsies–it even has a second floor! In fact, the place is so big, you can’t really see the stage when you’re sitting at the bar. However, the beer selection is much better, and much cheaper, than Tootsies. For 4.75 I got a locally brewed, Belgian-style wheat beer called Southern Wit:

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Speaking of southern wit, the band on stage told us off the top they wouldn’t play anything after 1980–then started their set with a ripping rendition of “Folsom Prison Blues,” complete with stand-up bass solo! They covered a lotta classic country tunes by Merle Haggard, Waylon Jennings, Buck Owens and Johnny Paycheck, as well as a couple classic rock tunes like “Pretty Woman” and “Take a Load Off Fanny” before busting out a killer instrumental of “Ghost Riders in the Sky.” Yeah, they sold a few CDs that night…

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BOTTOM LINE: Robert’s has got the bigger space, better beers, cheaper prices…and they’re even serving up burgers and chicken fingers with a flattop and a deep-fryer behind the bar. I even liked their band better–but if you’re more into new country, you’d probably be better off at Tootsies.