Tag Archives: Ontario’s unhealthiest meals

I survived The Keg’s sesame tuna (582 calories, 3,928 mg sodium)

Now, compared to some of the meals I ate this week, The Keg’s sesame tuna is more like a light snack, with only 582 calories. But this dish more than makes up for it in sodium. Health Canada says we should only eat 1,500 mg of sodium a day, so I got almost three times my daily dose in just one meal, bro!

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Damn dude, who knew so much sodium could be so tasty—this dish is sodium-licious! You’ve got a lightly seared, pink, succulent tuna, a nice kick from the green onion, and a tangy, crunchy slaw. This time, I could totally taste the salt in the slaw—but hey, everything tastes better with salt, right?

And while this dish is pretty pricey, at 27 dollars, you get 145.48 mg of sodium for every dollar spent. That sounds like a salty sweet deal to me, son!

I survived Jack Astor’s Spicy Shrimp Fajitas (1,305 calories, 3,481 mg sodium)

How in the heck can these fajitas have so much sodium? Y’know, even after eating them, I’m not quite sure myself. I mean, I couldn’t really taste a ton of salt here:

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OK, so you’ve got a nice texture on the shrimp, good grill marks on the onions and peppers, some lettuce, salsa, sour cream and cheese chunks on the side, as well as a few signature sauces. Not sure what was in ‘em, but they all tasted like chipotle. Honestly, my only complaint about this dish was the mini tortillas they were served with. I like eating my fajitas like a wrap, not a taco, bro! That being said, I still finished five of them:

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I survived Boston Pizza’s Smoky Mountain Spaghetti and Meatballs (1,760 calories, 2,820 mg sodium)

Man, I can’t even remember the last time I’ve been to Boston Pizza. I mean, they make it so easy to finger-cook at home that you don’t even hafta set foot in the store! But hey, they’ve got one down on Front Street that’s just a meatball’s throw away from where the Jays play, and speaking of meatballs…

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What do you get when you make a mean spaghetti Bolognese, and then put three massive meatballs on top? You get Smoky Mountain Spaghetti and Meatballs, bro! And yes, ol’ Smoky is covered with cheese—shredded cheddar, son!

OK, let’s break it down. The pasta is cooked perfectly—noodles were still steamy as they hit my mouth. The sauce is a walk on the mild side, but they make up for it with a nicely-seasoned meatball that’s got a bit of a kick. These balls are so big, bro, that I had to cut ‘em in quarters—quarters!—before I shoved em down my piehole. And I’ve scarfed many a meatball in one bite, so that’s saying something!!!

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Now, I gotta say, I was pretty full after eating this. The plate is so big, I almost tried to slide headfirst. But then I mighta got beaned at my next at-bat—Marcus Stroman was glaring at me the entire time:

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Just in case you were wondering who El Patron of the Jays’ staff is…

I survived Milestones’ Prime Rib Hash (1,990 calories, 1,770 mg sodium)

Did you know that Milestones is open at 10 am on weekends for brunch, bro? When you think Sunday brunch, do you even think Milestones? Me neither, but I gotta say, their brunch selections are pretty solid. You’ve got breakfast tacos, chicken ‘n waffles, a candied bacon omelette…but none of those dishes have 1,990 calories. So let me introduce you to my friend prime rib hash:

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Now, I know hash is usually made up of whatever’s left in the fridge after a big family dinner, but I still wanna know who came up with this recipe—seems like somebody went on a tequila bender with Anthony Bourdain till 2 am. You’ve got all sorts of super-tender beef, swimming in a super-tangy sauce, with a couple poached eggs on top, some hash browns, red peppers and corn… I dunno, for colour or something. I guess somebody was having prime-rib tacos for dinner the night before. The only thing that’s missing are The Chicharones!

And then, on the side you’ve got grilled focaccia toast. Cuz why have regular Wonder Bread when you can have grilled focaccia toast? Dude, I don’t think I ever wouldda come across this dish if I hadn’t heard about it on the CBC, but I was lovin’ every minute of it! And hey, they even serve OJ in a cocktail glass:


I swear that’s just juice bro—the Ontario government doesn’t letcha start drinkin’ till 11!