Now, you don’t often see a lotta seafood for takeout (although I did order a whole lobster a couple weeks back), so when I heard that Patria, this funky Spanish joint at King and Spadina, was serving up not one, not two, but three kinds of paella, I was all over that like saffron on rice, bro! This dish comes in two sizes, small and large, and you know I’ve never ordered a small in my life, so I went with the large…which is basically just two separate containers of paella.
Now, if I had known that, I mighta switched things up with one order of Paella de Vieira, but instead, I doubled down on their classic Paella Patria. You’ve got mussels, clams, flaky white fish and some of the tastiest, juiciest, jumbo shrimp I’ve ever seen, son!
Now, I gotta say, their clams were pretty big… but the mussels were a little undersized. Hey, shrinkage happens to the best of us when it’s cold out, bro!!!
But yeah, let’s just say I slaughtered a lotta sea creatures — leaving nothing but the shells. Spongebob don’t live here no more, son!!!!!!!!
Now, I’ve never been to Bangkok, but I often rock out to Murray Head’s Greatest Hits on cassette when I’m cruisin’ in the Camaro, so there’s that. And there just so happens to be this funky little joint downtown, just a go-go dance away from Yonge and Dundas, that’s been serving up real-deal Thai food since the early 80’s… Cue the synth flute solo, cuz we’re spending one night in Bangkok Garden, bro!
Of course, if we’re spending one night in Bangkok, you can bet your bottom baht that we ain’t drinking Coors Light! This here’s Singha beer, the original Thai lager since 1933. If you take Molson Canadian, and actually add flavour, it would taste a little something like this. And if you’re gonna crush some spicy Thai food, you might wanna chug a few of these brewskis, bro!!!
Now, this place has got some seriously spicy dishes with some totally awesome names — we’re talking Demon’s Dare (stir-fried chili beef), Neptune’s Nemesis (deep-fried fiery chili fish), Totsakan’s Revenge (red curry fish) and Warrior’s Beef Curry…it’s like their menu was written by Kerry King or something! But since the Camaro doesn’t run on fart juice, I went for something a little less spicy — the grilled seafood satay:
OK, now let’s break it down. You’ve got shrimp, mussels and squid…all grilled up and served on a stick — which was also the name of my Meat Loaf cover band in college (I was the varsity tackle). It comes with a side dipping sauce that actually had quite a bit of a kick, and then you’ve got a bed of rice to soak it all up. All that’s missing is the oysters!
Now, when you think tapas, you’re probably thinking Spain, or maybe Japan, but did you know they’ve also got small plates in Portugal? Well, at least they do in Little Portugal, bro! We’re hanging out at Chiado, this fancy Portuguese place on College, just west of Ossington. They’ve actually got a full-fledged tapas menu here, but if you wanna classy it up, you can make a reservation in the dining room, and order a lot of the same stuff as appetizers. You will hafta leave your trucker hat at home though, bro!!!!
Dude, these clams are clam-tastic! You’ve got a bowlful of steamed babies, with garlic, coriander and a white wine/olive oil broth that goes great with the bread basket, bro!
This was some of the fanciest smoked salmon I’ve seen, served up pinwheel-style with onions, capers and a hard-boiled quail egg!!!
Now, I don’t always go for goat cheese, but since they insisted, I couldn’t resist it. This toasty goatsy is served on a bed of eggplant and portabellas, with a champagne supernova vinaigrette!
Now, I’m a sucker for some great grilled squid, whether it’s battered and fried Greek style, or done up all Japaneezy. At this place, they cook it with coriander, lemon, garlic and a little extra virgin olive oil, for that extra kick!
Now here’s a funky dish you definitely don’t see every day! You may have had beef carpaccio before, but do you even know fish carpaccio, bro? This thinly sliced raw grouper is served up with white asparagus, pine nuts and a little preserved citrus adding just a touch of zestiness.
And now we’re getting into the funky portion of this evening’s performance, with some grilled piri piri quail served on top of a shiitake mushroom risotto. Tastes just like chicken!
Now, I’m not sure if this shot gives you any sense of just how massive these tiger shrimp are, but I gotta tell ya, they’re pretty freakin’ yuuuge. They’ve also gotta be some of the plumpest, tenderest, tastiest crustaceans I’ve ever stuffed my face in. I could probably slam seven or eight of these…if they weren’t 38 bucks an order!
And finally, you’ve got the special du jour, a creamy tuna tartar with chunks of avocado, onion and I forget what that yellow stuff is. Dude, this is like a culinary hockey puck of awesomeness in Flavourtown. He shoots, he scores, bro!!!
Now, in case you were wondering, I did NOT eat all eight of these amazing apps alone…I might have had just a little help from my friends. But, on the plus side, at least I saved some room for dessert:
Dude, this chocolate mousse is totally scattered, smothered and covered with tons of tasty toppings! You’ve got walls of milk and white chocolate, three kinds of berries, a couple different sauces for swiping…and then there’s these little lemon meringue kisses on top. And you know this plate ain’t clean until I lick it up, lick it up, whoa-oh-oh!!!!
Now, I might eat a lot of pasta–dude, this is body by mac ‘n cheese, bro!–but I don’t eat seafood all that often. Don’t get me wrong, I loves me some crispy calamari just as much as the next Guy, but when it comes to shellfish, like clams and mussels and shrimp (oh my!), I definitely don’t do those every day. But now we’re hanging out at Estia, this uptown funky Italian/Greek joint at Av & Dav, and I’m about to dive face first into a big pile of seafood linguine:
Dude, this is like a culinary pool party in Flavourtown! And the gang’s all here–you’ve got baby clams, mussels of love and some nice ‘n juicy shrimp, on a bed of noodles with tomato sauce. There is nothing wrong with that at all, bro! But what makes it is the squid:
Dude, if you thought that squid only came in rings, battered and deep-fried, you’re all wrong, Pete Tong! These tasty little tentacles are nice and chewy, swimming in sauce and headed straight down my piehole. Surf’s up, bro!!!!
So we’re chillaxing to the maxing at Copa by Sea, this funky fresh seafood joint beneath the Copacabana on Adelaide. Now this place has everything, and I mean everything…and it’s all yours for 50 bucks, bro!
This funky local joint takes the Brazilian steakhouse business model of all the meat you can eat and applies it to seafood. You’ve got your shrimp, you’ve got your sushi, you’ve got scallops, sea bass, lobster/shrimp mac & cheese…oh, and they even have steak, too! I could pretty much just park the Camaro outside and eat here every day–if I didn’t hafta pay for parking, dude!
Now, I’m not a major-league oyster eater, but if you put this many in front of my face, I’m gonna have a couple. This suckers slurped down easy with a splash of chili vinaigrette–but I could probably have gone for some hot sriracha, or some tzatziki sauce, or something…
Now, I’ve had some mac-daddy mac ‘n cheese, but this lobster & shrimp mac was legit. You’ve got huge chunks of seafood, bigger than Donald Trump’s ego, in with the creamy mac attack that couldn’t stop me from going back for seconds, son!
Because oysters, mac ‘n cheese and soba-noodle salad go together like peanut butter, ice cream and pulled pork, bro!
On this plate, you’ll find fish two ways. You’ve got The Raw and the Cooked, which just so happens to be my favourite Fine Young Cannibals record!
This was probably the most delicious dish of the night, dude. We’re talking gochujang tuna, a nice, spicy piece of fish that drives me crazy like no one else! (Yeah, I’m still rockin’ out to FYC, son!!!)
This is the famous blackened cod, a dish so decadent you’re only allowed to have four pieces a person. I may or may not have shoved all of these down my piehole… #DrunkOnFish
Of course, when I go out to a restaurant, I’m contractually obligated to eat at least one piece of steak. This parmesan-infused, medium-rare cut was so tasty I didn’t even notice the salad beside it…
But hey, for me, steak is like Lay’s–I can’t eat just one (unless it’s 67 ounces, son)! Speaking of which, Lay’s steak-flavoured chips should totally be a thing. I’d slam down 27 of those, bro!
OHMYGOD, IT’S BACON-WRAPPED COD!!!!
Still have room for scallops, though… I always have room for scallops, son!
Oh, did I mention there were sweet-potato fries?
Don’t get me wrong, all the fish was delish, but the steak was probably the best part. I almost cried when they didn’t give me a second piece…
And you know I still had room for dessert, bro. The grilled pineapples were a super taste sensation, but the chocolate ‘n caramel-covered bananas were what makes it. I think I ate at least three of these. Dessert was definitely bananas…and bananas are good!
