Tag Archives: Wahlburgers

The best reality TV show about burgers

(Originally written March 19, 2014)

Not gonna lie, they sucked me in with the burgers.  I mean, you could have a hamburger show starring Justin Bieber and Nickelback, and I’d probably still watch it–with the volume on mute, mind you.  That being said, the celebrities on Wahlburgers aren’t quite as reprehensible.  Hey, the New Kids on the Block had more talent than Bieber…I guess.

In any case, this show is a lot less about the burgers, a lot more about the Wahlbergs.  It’s about a family who grew up poor and made it rich, due to the second-youngest joining one of the first boy bands, and the baby of the family putting on a 13-inch prosthetic penis.  (That fake dick made Mark’s career!)  Their brother Paul might make the burgers, but really, their mom is the star of the show.  I’m pretty sure she’s getting her own spinoff sooner than you can say “Barry’d Treasure!”

Speaking of spinoffs, that Toronto Wahlburgers is supposed to open sometime this summer.  I’m not going to be one of those people lining up to take the first bite or anything–c’mon man, it’s just a hamburger!–but I might go there for lunch and watch a movie afterwards.

UPDATE: OK, so I’ve been to the Toronto Wahlburgers a couple times, and it’s not too shabby. If you’re in town, try the turkey club sandwich!

Wahlburgers’ turkey club is a wicked hahd slapshaat to the taste buds!

So, I haven’t really been watching much hockey this month cuz no Canadian teams are in the playoffs. You know who else isn’t in the playoffs this year? Boston. Mark Wahlberg would surely be disappointed if he wasn’t busy filming Transformers 7 somewhere deep in the heart of Hamilton.

OK, so I don’t think they’ve started filming that one yet. But a few of Marky Mark’s funky films were made in TO, which is why we’ve also got the only Wahlburgers outside of America. There’s even one at Pearson airport now, but I ain’t flying to the Stanley Cup Finals this year… so I took off to the one downtown, where I had this massive slab of Milan Lucic-approved turkey:

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Doesn’t it look just like him? You’ve got not one, but two patties of lean ground turkey, topped with bacon, white cheddar, lettuce, tomato and both salsa and guacamole. It’s like a fiesta in a bun, bro! Only thing is, there was nothing holding the two patties together, so they were slip-sliding all over the place. I needed like eleventy napkins when I was eating this! But wait, that’s not all…

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These super-stringy onion ringies are Chuck Swirsky approved. All that’s missing is the salami and cheese. Which would actually make a nice appetizer, dontcha think?